Help me be reasonable, How would you handle this?

I’ve got another long post for you guys: more relationship drama…

I have an overwhelming feeling something doesn’t add up but I want to approach my husband fairly about it. Maybe someone can validate my feelings so I don’t feel like a psycho. It’s about some texting between him and a girl that works/ worked for his company.

I had no problem with her before as she rarely texted him and if they did text he told me and it was about nothing concerning, work stuff, or something that included me. So this summer we went to a concert that I really wanted to go to, just the two of us because we had been doing A LOT of stuff with his work lately. Well, she was there and she texted him all night trying to find him and I told him how I felt like I didn’t want to meet up with her because I just wanted the night to ourselves. I don’t normally do that I just needed space from his work crowd. He said that’s fine, “I don’t really want to hang out with her either.” He didn’t respond to her but we did see her from another balcony and she waved very crazily at him with a big cheesy smile.

A few weeks after that, I found out he deleted a message from her and lied when I asked him if she messaged him. I left the room and said I can’t believe you are lying to me again….. (He has lied and then admitted to lying to me SEVERAL times in the past) He finally admitted she texted him @ 6am that she was dropping her dog off at his office and she would pick the dog back up when she got off her shift. I said why would you hide that from me and he said because he didn’t want to argue with me about it. He begged me not to leave him over it and admitted he was at fault and that it made him look bad blah blah blah. He was crying.

The message was gone forever but I decided to let it go and try to move on and trust him. I admit it has been hard putting it out of my mind but I didn’t want to contact the girl and cause more drama or give her any sign we have trust issues.

Another day he called me saying he got a message from her saying “where are you” after he had been home for lunch. He said he didn’t know why she asked that and that he saw her in the office later that day and she didn’t mention what she wanted or why she was looking for him. He said they never even talk or hang out and that was very weird to him.

One night he was out of town on business and I was asleep on the couch (it was 2am), he called me upset saying she just texted him this long text about how she was looking for him today but found out he was out of town and that she “needed to say see you later to you” and “are you going to be at the BBQ for me?” So he explained that she was moving back to her home country in Germany and it was the first he was hearing about a BBQ. He told me he would not respond. I didn’t say much but I said why does she text you at odd hours and I was confused why she needed a farewell with him if he was being honest about their interactions.

Today is his bday and when he got up he looked at his phone, I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet and he goes “oh that is weird, Maria texted me happy birthday at 1:58 am.” HIS MOM HADN”T EVEN CONTACTED HIM YET and she is extremely smothering. I was like WTF she beat me to it! He said he was pissed because when she moved he thought this would all go away but she is still overstepping her boundaries. I was defeated because it seems there is a girl in another country who thinks of my husband first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I guess I feel like there are red flags: She only messages him late at night or early morning, the amount of texts she sends him + the content of her messages doesn’t match what he tells me the frequency of their interactions are, when we go to events at work she rarely approaches us, but when I am away from him that is when she goes to talk to him, and most importantly – he deleted at least one message that I know of from her and lied about it.

I told him that I was maybe reacting strongly to all this because I know if the tables were turned – he would be 100% convinced that I was cheating on him. He wasn’t able to give me an answer but he shrugged like he couldn’t deny that.

I hate being resentful and I know this isn’t healthy for us, but my gut is telling me I am not being respected in our marriage and I’m not sure there is weight to him telling me it’s because of outside people and not him.

What do you think of all this? Am I wrong to be upset am I wrong to let it go and just be trusting of him? How should I handle this?

Do you think it would be crazy that he needs to do more than ignore her to get her to step off? I am asking because I am not sure what will help and what is socially acceptable. Do you think she needs him to say in a nice way to back off a bit?