NSFW - Please tell my your favorite (original) Aristocrats joke?

Be forewarned, if you are easily, or even moderately easily offended, please close out of this question right now. The whole point of this question is to come up with the most offensive answers imaginable.

I want you to create your own joke, that’s the only ground rule, that and of course the punch line has to be “The Aristocrats” or something just as absurd. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the Aristocrats, let me explain.

There is a joke that has been around since before the Vaudeville days, the joke is known as the Aristocrats, and it is pretty much known by every comedian out there. For further information on the joke, the comedian/illusionist Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) made a movie about it a few years back.

Basically, the joke starts out with two people talking, one is telling the other one (usually pitching an idea to him in hopes of having a show produced) about this act he (or she) has come up with. So a typical opening would be, “a guy is talking to a Producer and says, hey buddy have I got an act for you, it will knock your socks off…” So the producer or whatever asks about the act, and the “talent” describes this act.

Now here’s the part that is never the same…there is no “standard” middle part, the middle part is MEANT to be made up by the person telling the joke. The whole point of the joke, or at least what the point of the joke has become is that the teller is going to try to shock and offend those listening to the joke. Like, in every period in American culture, there is a line that comedians generally don’t cross, and that line gets pushed further and further with every passing generation…or at least it changes, certainly there are things that we can joke about now (sex, drugs, etc) that 60 years ago would have been taboo, as there are things that 60 years ago it was commonplace to joke about (race, today you really have to tread lightly, for example). Or think terrorism, you could joke about that up to August of 2001, but for a couple years after that, it was off limits.

So, anyway, back to that movie, that was a bunch of comedians telling their version of the joke, and more often than not it involved vile sexual acts involving incest, bestiality, rape, etc., or alternately (and sometimes in the same joke) scatological references. Comedians often will tell this joke to each other to try to outdo each other, to see who can push the limits the farthest…some dare to go to places that no one else will even come close to, others offer pretty standard fare. My point here is to see what YOU can come up with, see how far YOU can push the limits, how outrageous YOU can be, how offensive, how outlandish, how vile and outright insane.

So, you have the beginning, a guy says he’s got an act, the middle, him describing the act, and then the ending of he joke, which just like the beginning doesn’t change much, if at all. After hearing of this highly disgusting act, the producer asks, “well, what do you call this act?” To which the pitchman replies “The Aristocrats!”. The point being that one would associate the Aristocracy with rather refined, cultured things, certainly not the types of things one is describing in this joke. Therefore “The Aristocrats” is the perfect punchline, which only gets funnier the more offensive and un-Aristocratlike the description of the act is. I’ll now present a very mild example, but keep in mind, with this joke, the longer and more drawn out, the better (some celebs used to have parties to see who could craft the longest Aristocrats joke), but for the sake of getting the show on the road, here’s a simple example of a joke.

A man walks into the offices of a producer of Vegas shows and says, “I have an act that is guaranteed to pack ‘em in.” The producer says, “OK, tell me about this act.” The guy says, “OK, I walk out on stage, high on PCP and I pistol whip a midget. Then I take a big steaming dump in the middle of his chest. I strip naked and proceed to have sex with the pile of excrement for 25 minutes. Then my entire family comes out, mom, dad, my little sister, my parapalegic brother, they all vomit on the stage, roll around in it, then we all get down on our hand and knees and proceed to clean up the mess and each other with our tongues. At the end of the show, we all orgasm simultaneously into a bucket and force feed it to a homeless person.” The producer looks at the guy kind of funny, but then he says, “OK, what exactly do you CALL an act like this.” To which the man replies “The Aristocrats!”

Your turn