What's it like when you're delusional?

I have had this delusion many times. I believe that the woman I am most closely involved with hates me. It usually starts with something apparently innocuous, but then my paranoia takes hold of it, and I rapidly create a story that terrifies me.

For example, if my wife was cold around me, and it went on for a while, I started to believe she was about to divorce me. I was constantly fearful, and started to construct a story that she hated me. I would live like this for a while, and then I would snap. I couldn’t stand the tension of constantly wondering when the ax would fall on my neck.

The next stage of this delusion is that I decide I have to make the break happen. It’s too much for me to handle. So I start pushing her away—telling her that she hates me. I know it. She’s showing it in her every action. It’s a kind of mind reading.

I’ve done it more than once. Each time, I am completely unaware I am doing it. I am totally invested in this delusion. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I have no way to think clearly.

The consequences are usually pretty drastic. The person I do this to may forgive me, but it usually makes her fearful of me. She has no idea when I might go off again. She has been hurt pretty dramatically by my anger and my attempts to push her away. She doesn’t feel that she can trust me anymore, nor that she knows me as she thought she did.

It’s taken me years to figure this out. Now I can recognize what happened after the fact. I suppose that’s progress. I wish I could recognize it before it happens, and stop it. I’m afraid that by the time I recognize it, I’m too far into the story of being thrown away (which is something that happened to me as a youth by my parents). My fear is far to much for me to see straight. None of this is helped by being bipolar. Paranoia and delusions are classic symptoms.

I’ve been thinking that my problem is that I want to destroy myself, and that is why I deny the love I get. But now, I wonder. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting thrown out again. So I make it happen first. I don’t want to lose love, but it seems inevitable.

I don’t believe it (love) when it happens. I don’t trust it. I figure that sooner or later, I’ll be thrown away, as always seems to happen. So I do the throwing first, just to save myself the tension of waiting for it to happen. Oh my God! This is why I never understood unconditional love! Or believed in it! So many things make so much more sense now!

What was the substance of your delusion? Was it based on anything in reality, or was it a complete fabrication? What emotions played into its creation? Did you believe it completely? How did you find out it was a delusion? What are the consequences of your delusion? How did you explain it to yourself afterwards? What did you do about it?