Can someone critique my (rough) story?

In short, I’m trying to become a better writer all around. I’ve been doing all kinds of writing exercises and I’ve had a lot of fun doing it. A friend suggested I try something I have yet to do, which is to write a short story. Something crazy and totally out of the moment, not really giving it a lot of thought, just going for it, etc…

I did it! Then, I revised it. Now, I really think I need some hands-on critique in order to improve my skills. I’m not really a “writer” (but I want to be!), so if someone could take a look and help me out I would really appreciate it. This is probably really rough and that’s ok (for me!), the idea of the story is that if successful it would attach itself to a bigger story. Clearly this isn’t a stand-alone, but you will see that if you read it.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/28098557/Untitled
Thanks!

ps. Scribed kind of drowns out my spacing and paragraphs so sorry about that…