(NSFW) I would like to know what Fluther thinks of this specific situation involving pornography.

A discussion came up recently in my real life and I’m wondering what Flutherites think. I’m not going to repeat that discussion, it would take too long. I’m looking for your opinions of my thoughts. (How’s that for convoluted? LoL!) Let me preface this with a couple of things:

1.) I am not anti-pornography as long as it involves consenting adults who have made a conscious, rational decision to engage in its making.
2.) This question is about my ex-husband, not my current one. So the emotional content of the situation is gone. Or minimal at most.

Here’s what I think, and yes there was some dissension from others in the discussion. I think that if someone watches porn for the purposes of what I call “look and lust,” it’s not an issue. “Look & lust” meaning watching for pleasure and/or the fantasy aspect. (Guy has an S.O. is a brunette but has some lust for blondes. He loves his brunette S.O. and wouldn’t cheat on her. The blonde lust is just there.) The other one I think is okay is if someone watches with their S.O. and they both enjoy it. Their bedroom is none of my business. (Or couch or hammock or wherever.) There may be others that I haven’t thought of.

My issue with porn stems from my experience with my ex. He used porn as a substitute many times for our sex life. He also used it to give him ideas for fantasies in his head for while we had sex. Obviously, he had issues, but those issues also hurt me. It made me feel like I was merely a “receptacle” for him. He wouldn’t cheat on me, but I also felt like he wasn’t there with me. Personally, I felt dissed when he finally told me this.

One of the people involved in the discussion said that it was really none of my business what was in his head when we had sex. That I was violating my ex’s boundaries by even asking about that. My response was that to me, it indicated a problem with our relationship if he couldn’t be with me in his mind when we had sex. This person insisted that no, it was not appropriate for me to know about that.

So Fluther, what do you think?