(sigh) How do I cope with a long-distance, mother-daughter love-hate relationship that has been incredibly complicated and overwhelmingly draining?

Background info: Due to major medical issues, my mom’s health has been slowly declining over the past 10+ years. Mom is in her late 60’s. Grandma passed away in her late 50’s, while mom was in her young 30’s. Because of the trauma of losing her mom suddenly, my mom has been “preparing me” for her (my mom’s) death for as long as I can remember.

No matter how many times I’ve asked her to stop or have attempted to redirect her, she has continued to rehash the details of her mother’s death (which occurred when I was less than a year old) and has focused on her (my mom’s) own major health concerns.

In spite of the complexity of our relationship, I love my mom very much. When I was younger and lived close by, we were very close. However, years ago I came to the point in my life of realizing I needed to live my own life instead of being her constant companion. So, I transitioned from co-dependence to independence. For many reasons, not just due to the tension caused by her health concerns, I have systematically distanced myself from her. Yet, we still maintain a relationship via telephone and semi-annual visits.

When we speak on the phone, it is barely a two-way conversation. She spends the majority of the time unloading her problems and concerns onto me. She is not a hypochondriac, her health issues are serious. However, there is nothing I can do for her (I cannot take away her pain, I cannot heal her, and I can’t resolve her issues). The only thing I can do is listen and meet monetary needs (financial issues are serious and a whole separate issue).

Knowing that she will not change (as far as unloading her problems and concerns on me when we speak on the phone), and understanding that her health is a serious issue, neither avoiding her or placating her are options. It is very draining for me to listen to her, respond in a nurturing way, and to take care of myself at the same time.

So, with all of this said, knowing that one of these days (and this is a real possibility) I will get the middle-of-the-night-bad-news-call, how do I cope with this on-going situation in a way that honors her needs and my needs?