Is this really grounds from a lover to be mad?

No, I don’t think it should be fought about. It’s such a little thing to get mad about. If that’s all they have to fight about, they’re probably doin pretty good.

I think that she needs to get over it. Maybe you should show her some statistics on the amount of men that do this and the amount of men that do it while in a relationship.

Besides, maybe she’s not satisfying him enough and he has to do it himself? Hmm?

shes just not around enough to do it all the time.

i told her it was better than him going and finding other girls but she said i didnt know what i was talking about.

and no, they fight all the time, but its always about stupid stuff.

So she thinks it’s NOT better than him going and finding other girls? Stupid. Humans masturbate, many to porn…she probably wont change that.

It’s a long distance relationship. If she’s not around, how else is he supposed to meet these needs?

So app she got on fluther. Shes none to happy with me…

I don’t think it matters if she’s ‘wrong’ or ‘right’.

Two people are dating. One only likes movies and the other one only likes going out to dinner. It’s not about who’s right or wrong- it’s about how they can compromise and work it out.

how do you compromise something like that?

I think she’s kind of nuts. Ok, very, extremely nuts.
However, it’s not our place to make the rules for what’s acceptable in their relationship. If this is something that’s so important to her, she needs to find someone who shares her values and beliefs. good luck, sista.

You would be hard pressed to find a girl who is ok with that I think.

@kibaxcheza They can talk about what specifically bothers her. Is it the porn? Is it that she’d rather be ‘helping’ him- even if over the phone? There are ways to work around this, it’ll just take an honest talk and a willingness to compromise.

@gemiwing she said she doent like the idea of him getting off to other girls and that it lowers her self esteem.

@kibaxcheza Then it’s easy to figure out a compromise. ‘Helping’ him over the phone would be a good recourse. It’s up to them to figure out the solution really.

Maybe see if she is willing to ‘help’ him, like @gemiwing said, with pictures of herself? Would that be an issue for him?

I know about the porn and low-self esteem thing… I’ve been there. It’s different with long distance though. I ask my boyfriend to send me whatever he’s masturbating to just then so I can watch too, and sometimes we get off with the same thing. He loves that.

@rangerr she does. i just dont see why it has to be her and only her every time till the end of time itself. just doesnt make sense to me madison.

Well….only if he finds Smoky Toledo and her Tapping Teats more exciting than her.

You realize that some guys are addicted to pornography and would rather do that than actually attempt a fulfilling sex life with the real thing. That’s really sad. And it is really common…more common than not. So, if Smoky is getting more attention, then no wonder the poor girl is upset! So, ask your friend some hard (no pun intended) questions…how is your sex life together? And to quote a famous doctor: “How’s that working for you?”

And, honestly, if his girlfriend is a Size 22 and not exactly like the aforementioned Smokey T….it doesn’t make a woman feel exactly like wanting to undress under a lamp. Overall, I think porn stinks when you have a real person in your life.

Long distance relationships are not the best. But cold showers work. Or ask a Yogi (a meditator, not a bear) to help you out.

And by the way…..before you go off looking for Smoky Toledo…I made her up. Sheesh…..men.

:)

@jackm You think a guy would have a hard time finding a girl who’s ok with her guy getting himself off to porn? I’m a girl, and so are many of my friends. This has been discussed among us. Most of us don’t think it’s the bestest idea ever (but one friend does), but none of my friends have a serious problem with it.

@Likeradar
I didn’t mean every girl would be very seriously opposed to it, in my experience, most girls would rather the guy not. I think it takes a very confident woman to really not be opposed to it.

It all comes down to the guy getting sexual pleasure from another girls body.

whats it matter it theyre just satisfying a primal urge. its not like hes going to run off with some chick in a skinomax movie, or break up with her for jenna jamison

I think he should get his girlfriend a vibrator and let her see how good it is, end of problem!

Then he will probably be like the guy who is jealous of his girlfriend’s dildo!

I have no problem with this. It’s just not even an issue… even without the long-distance part, porn (of the general variety) has never bothered me a bit. Heck, sometimes I watch it, too.

That said, it’s not my place to judge her. It doesn’t seem like the two are made for each other, though. They might think about moving on.

Perhaps if she spent a little more time pushing the button she wouldn’t worry so much about how he cleans his gun.

I was totally in her shoes at one point but I didn’t understand the concept of Blue Balls then either.

I would prefer to be the one to satisfy my man, just as he would like to be the one for me, but sometimes we are unable to because we’re not in the mood, we’re not in the area, etc. If it’s a long distance relationship, she needs to get over it. Sure it would be nice if he didn’t or if he only masturbated to thinking about her, but it’s unrealistic really. Sex is about many things, including senses. Some guys are okay with a photo or the phone, but some guys need a bigger experience like video. Not to mention, I’ve learned porn can be… a learning experience too about what turns you on.

I agree that he is very unlikely run off with a porn star and that she should focus on other things (He’s not willing to cheat! whoo!). This could easily ruin their relationship if she makes too much of it. Fighting constantly about sex is only going to make it unappealing and more frustrating.

lol she’s mad at her adult male partner for having a little fireman time when she’s away? christ she should be happy he’s not just picking up drunk chicks in his spare time….

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 totally man.

she doesn’t have to be thrilled about him looking at porn but complaining about it constantly isnt a. going to change it b. going to improve their relationship at all. she should just drop it.

I think it’s a bit silly to worry too much about this (unless he has a porn obsession). Like others have said, it’s better than him going to a “real” person (other than his girlfriend) to relieve himself and by starting an arguement about it she is encouraging him to lie to her (“no dear, I’m not watching porn, I only think of you when I’m jerking myself off”).

I’ve grown up assuming men masturbate everyday when they don’t have a partner and sometimes even when they do. I accept this but I don’t really like it if I’m the partner and they’re still doing it instead of waiting for and playing with me. Yes, it’s better for him to masturbate than seek other partners, maybe she just doesn’t understand how many times some guys do this during a day. I work with a few that ‘take breaks’ and go do this in the restrooms.

I think that she feels what she feels, and that no matter how many of us think she is silly, that makes no difference. It’s her feeling, and he should deal with her on his own, not by asking a million people who they think is right. That really doesn’t help matters.

She says she feels bad about herself when he jerks off to porn. I guess she is comparing herself to the porn stars and figuring she doesn’t match up. We are also told that they fight a lot.

I think there are much deeper problems than the porn issue. I think she will feel insecure whether or not he jerks off to porn. I think they need to start focusing on the real insecurities in the relationship, to see if they can help each other out. If they figure out what is bothering them, maybe she’ll become more secure and won’t care about how he masturbates.

The fact that she feels she can’t compare to pixels on a screen is a bad sign. Something is deeply wrong here. It’s more than having a long distance relationship that is the problem. I don’t know what the problem is, but because of the reactions to this little thing, it seems to me that it’s a pretty big problem.

On a side note, I don’t think that telling someone “it’s better than finding someone on the side” is at all helpful. It just makes her feel even more insecure. I would prefer it if people tried to place themselves in the head of the questioner before answering. Sometimes the questions are not about what they appear to be about.

I’m going to add to something @daloon just wrote, from my own female perspective. If one (man or woman) knows their partner is masturbating on their own to porn then it’s important they know the partner doesn’t need porn in order to get excited for live actual sex and that’s a fear many partners have. I know it’s been an issue for me to where I’ve directly asked, “do you need porn in order to get turned on to me?” It’s an ugly thought to me and I’d leave a partner who really did need porn in order to be able to have live sex with me, my ego could never handle it.

@hungryhungryhortence Agreed. I guess I just assume that that isn’t the case, but it is a very real concern.

When I was in my first mania, I was masturbating to porn a lot. But I would have taken a real live person any day over that. It wasn’t just sex that I was looking for, but sex within a caring, loving relationship. You don’t get much of that watching porn. Hah! You don’t get any of that in porn.

@daloon: masturbating to porn could also be a very comfortable mode for a selfish person not wanting to bother with a partner’s pleasure, conversation or any other thing that goes with physical company- some people think sex with another person is messy and tiresome. Crazy but they exist.

oh my god she’s a jerk. all guys masturbate and most to porn if they’re not living with somebody. He needs to find somebody else.

@hungryhungryhortence You’re right. That is crazy. I mean, I can come up with an explanation for most things, but when people prefer masturbation to a real relationship—that’s just not right. People who don’t want to deal with real people must have serious problems with relationships. Which also suggests they must have been badly burned in the past.

I guess what bothers me is when people get judgmental about some behavior without trying to understand it. It’s a knee-jerk reaction that it’s wrong. I don’t really think this helps people get past their problems. It just makes them hide even more.

No, I think all guys do that. I recently discovered my boyfriend looks at that. I caught him downloading it cause our computers synced and i saw everything he was looking at. And i just asked him and he was sorta embarassed but he said its nothing to do with you. Its just the thought of lookin at another chick. And he said he’d never do it to anyone he knew besides me. So I think all guy do this. Or most of em.

That’s something that never would have occurred to me. Women take it personally when guys fantasize? Actually, that’s pretty controlling. As if they want to control what their boyfriends think!

Porn is not personal. It’s just images that help us fantasize. It’s just about jerking off. It has nothing to do with any relationship. The whole point of porn is to help guys masturbate. No one cares about any story other than that of having an orgasm.

It has nothing to do with relationships. But maybe it’s a difference between the genders, and how men and women, in general, think differently about sex.

@daloon: it’s not about control, it’s about thinking a man finds a stranger more sexually arousing than his supposed chosen partner. We partners (male or female) we want to feel like we’re the most sexually arousing stimuli to you guys.

I personally don’t care, but I wonder how many males would be so nonchalant and easy if they found pics of gorgeous buff young guys with huge dicks on their partner’s computers? Do you honestly think you would just say guess she likes to masturbate while looking at guys who have bigger dicks, prettier faces, great 6 packs, nice smooth bodies? Or would it cause you to have at least a funny little feeling inside, maybe a touch of insecurity or doubt?

I also think that if society were not constantly telling women they were NOT visual and don’t ENJOY looking at random naked men, more might realize that is really is not an unpleasant experience. Some of the women I worked with years ago and myself would eagerly await the arrival of the next copy of Playgirl each month!

@rooeytoo snap! I lurve you!

@rooeytoo i wouldnt care one bit. A girl that can do it herself is a girl that is ok in my book. Masterbation is normal, and is by no grounds cheating. So when its you can your (book/comp/dvd/whatever) Go ape shit, who cares.

I only really have one philosophy with girls. So long as theyre comin home with me, they can talk to, flirt with, dance with, who ever. And if they need to take it further than that, then go be happy with them, ill see ya around.

Good on ya @kibaxcheza ,I wonder if you are the exception or the rule?

@jonsblond – that’s a pretty new avatar you’re sporting today! :-)

@rooeytoo huh?

@kibaxcheza Is your friend religious? If so, what religion?

Agnostic…. like completely
Shes Brethren, but hardly…

@kibaxcheza I just thought there might be some “religious guilt” issue here. Now that I know there isn’t I’m with @poofandmook & @rooeytoo…Talk to the boyfriend. He needs to surprise her with a toy of her own and then ask her for a few photos to assist him better ;0)

Photos of each other definitely help. J and I sent each other dirty pictures and most times, he actually uses my pictures instead of porn.

@SpatzieLover its not too much of a suprise since im sure she reads this question religiously. =p

@poofandmook he says he does, but sometimes he just feels like looking at something different. Kinda like looking at the desert tray when youre diabetic, or window shopping at Gucci. Youre looking without any intent of taking it any further.

@kibaxcheza: This question is hard for me. I was in a relationship for 5 years, didn’t want sex from him, and yet I was still furious and hurt when I saw porn on his computer. After that I was in a relationship for 2½ years, didn’t want sex from him either, and was also furious and hurt when I saw porn. Now that I’m in a sexually healthy relationship (when we’re together, that is), we send each other porn. I don’t know how I should feel about it… or what advice to give.

@poofandmook i suppose thats understandable, maybe a little hypocritical, as you didnt want sex, but were angry at his masturbation, but understandable.
But i have a question, Being in a relationship like yours, healthy and such, and you walked in on him watching porn. Would you help him out in a “let me show you why im better” kind of way, or would you get angry, and storm out?

@kibaxcheza: I know it’s hypocritical… but I felt justified at the time. I can’t tell you what that justification was, but I knew I was.

I don’t even need to think about it… I would join him. But I can also tell you that unless I was sick or we were fighting, he wouldn’t do that. Sex with each other completely destroyed our love for porn and masturbation. lol

@poofandmook And if you only saw him for about 4–6 days out of the month?

@kibaxcheza: so far I’ve seen him 6 days in June, and 14 in August.. that’s 20 days over 7 months :) My answer is the same.

@poofandmook well then maybe you have actually found love… dont come back with “yes i did i lovers him soooooooo much” ill call you an idiot

Unfortuantely, i dont think it exists, so ill never be like you. Thanks for your time and enlightenment.

Once you get yelled at for watching porn and NOT CHEATING on your long distance girlfriend.. the terrorists have won.

@Dr_C: BIG LURVE!!!

@hungryhungryhortence :) what can i say?... when i lived away from Mrs C we never discussed the merits of pornography because she didn’t care about it. She’s open minded and secure enough to know that sexual fantasy and sexual impropriety do not go hand in hand. you can stimulte yourself without being unfaithful, and the use of pornography is only a visual aide which includes a fantasy setting with fictional characters you are unlikely ever to come in contact with. It is impersonal and detached… not so with meeting someone new while the GF is away.

@kibaxcheza Has he ever cheated on her or been with other girls while involved with her? That might lower self esteem a bit more and make the porn vs. her issue a bit more important in her mind.

@Dr_C: Mrs. C is a fabulous woman and envied to be so loved and secure :) Now my side question, ask her too… are porn videos more arousing with or without the sound turned turned on? I can’t get as turned on unless I turn off the sound.

@rangerr hes your lover. You tell us….. good job there smart

@hungryhungryhortence… The missus really isn’t into porn but thinks it prolly wouldn’t be as effective without the sound… I have to agree… Silent porn and silent lovers just don’t do it for me.

wait… we’re talking about @rangerr here?

no

I’m not sure what’s going on..

@jackm I have no problem with my guy masturbating to porn…as long as it doesn’t affect us in the bedroom(as in, we’re not having sex as much as I’d like to or whatever)...I think it’s a jealousy issue and a self-esteem thing when girls don’t want their guys looking at porn, i guess i don’t have neither of those. But I do know that I’m one of the few girls who thinks this way.

@rangerr thats really not a good picture of you…..

@kibaxcheza Thank you!

@rangerr the other one is better…. or the one with the stuff. ya know?

@kibaxcheza The one I had before was glowsticks.. but it’s Halloween time now..

Porn can be viewed as a some of cheating. This man is having an orgasm for other women. If they were in real life I understand it would be a lot worse but it is kind of the same. This is they way she is looking at it. How does she know anyway? He didn’t have to tell her and now she is going to think he is doing it all the time. He needs to tell her it is because he misses her and that these women mean nothing at all.

In the vein of what @Webzilla says, it’s my personal opinion (I’m female btw) that masturbating to porn is cheating when it means the person masturbating has reduced interest in their partner because they’re getting off by themselves to the porn and are sated.

why are these men telling women about something so absolutely private? it is no one’s business!!! and my pleasuring myself is also only my business. PRIVACY, people.