When should adults address each other by first names?

I’m in the UK and it really doesn’t bother me if I’m called Mrs. Surname or by my Christian name, As a teacher I prefer to be called Mrs. Surname by children and their parents but by collegues it makes no difference. I call collegues by Mr or Mrs Surname ( in front of pupils) and sometimes by Christian or Mr or Mrs surname when in the staff room, sometimes I just say, miss or sir,,,

I’m comfortable with being called by my first name if I’ve given you permission to use my first name. Other than that, I prefer to be respectfully addressed as Mrs. Soandso. When it comes to kids, all my daughters’ friends refer to me (pretend my name is Lucy) as “Miss Lucy” or simply “Mom”. I don’t expect kids to call me Mrs. Soandso, but a respectful “Miss” before my first name is nice. My best friend’s kids call me “Aunt Lucy”, and my kids call my best friend “Aunt Ethel”.

When I was a kid/teenager, I called several of my friends’ parents “Mom and Dad”. I still call them that to this day! One of my friends recently had a barbeque at her house and as soon as I got there I saw her mother and threw myself at her, yelling “Mom, I haven’t seen you in forever!” She loves it, of course, and I think it can be acceptable and even cute for friends to do that with each others’ parents.

I am an American and strongly dislike the use of first names in unequal social situations (Take off your clothes, marinelife. Dr. So and So will be right with you) or in false social situations like the bank one that you mentioned.

American young adult. It grates on me when people refer to me with a title because I do not want to be addressed using gendered language. In most situations, I will accept my given first name as a the default manner of address. I have not been in any situation where I felt otherwise thus far. This may change in the future.

In the situations you mentioned:

—College professor: I always address them by their highest title (Dr. or Professor) and their last name. No exceptions. This is how I address them in conversation in class and office hours, e-mail, and when speaking with friends about said instructor.

—Teaching assistant/undergraduate student: Last name, no title. My T.A. for English 104 did not want to be referred to as “Mister So-And-So” so I have developed the habit of using last names only. Now that I am friends with many of the graduate students who are teaching, I have to check myself depending on the situation.

—College professor/graduate student: I will follow the same rules as I do now.

—Supervisor/unskilled worker: Our supervisor at the Writing Center encourages us to maintain a first-name basis with everyone in the office. I follow his lead.

—Department head/skilled or “professional” worker: Title and last name.

—Salesperson/customer: I rarely speak to them, but whatever name I read off their tag is what they are getting. I don’t think they need to know my name at all.

—co-workers: First-name basis unless they request anything different.

In every situation, if the individual requests to be referred to in a certain manner, I will oblige and expect them to extend the same courtesy to me.

@WillWorkForChocolate Many of my friends call my mum “mom” or even “mommy” in a couple of cases. She pretends that it bugs her, but she loves it.

—College professor/undergraduate student: Title (Dr./Professor) + last name.
At the university where I did my undergrad, our department was very small and close-knit. We called our professors by their first names, but I assume this is a rare case.

—Teaching assistant/undergraduate student: All the TAs I’ve had contact with have introduced themselves by their first names, as did I when I was a TA. Even if I have a degree, I’m still a student, and would definitely feel strange about being called “Miss Jones”. I started university late, even, so I’m 5 years older than the average TA, putting even more distance between myself and the students. Still, there’s no reason for them to refer to me with a title.

—College professor/graduate student: same as prof/undergrad – I’ve only been in my grad department for a few months, and don’t have a close relationship with any of my profs. This might change, and if any of them were to say that they prefer their first names, of course I would oblige.

—Supervisor/unskilled worker: At all the jobs I’ve worked, everyone used first names, even when higher-ups from the company visited.

—Department head/skilled or “professional” worker: It would depend on the company, I suppose. Whatever the higher-up preferred.

—Salesperson/customer: If I have to use their name, the name on the tag is what I use. I understand that a lot of companies encourage employees to use the customers’ names, but I prefer them not to.

—co-workers: First names. Coworkers are peers; there’s no reason to use anything other than first names.

I am American. I think these answers will vary around the country. I believe there are significant regional differences. I consider myself a northeasterner, but I have lived in the midAtlantic, Midwest, Midsouth, and southeast FL. Generally I prefer an informal feeling at work, using first names. In some ways I actually wish I could call my doctors by their first names, which I know you did not talk about here. I do not like Miss firstname at all, sounds very odd to my northern ears. If I am going to address you formally it will be using your last name.

Regarding the cases you pose:

—College professor/undergraduate student – whatever the professor preferred

—Teaching assistant/undergraduate student – first names

—College professor/graduate student – whatever the professor preferred

—Supervisor/unskilled worker – first names

—Department head/skilled or “professional” worker – first names

—Salesperson/customer – as a sales person I prefer to be called by my first name, if the customer prefers last names, I would go by the customers comfort level.

—co-workers – first names

I wanted to add that I will usually start with Mr. or Ms. Surname when initially meeting someone and there is any indication that there might be some reason for that type of formality, and leave it up to the other person to tell me I can call them by their first name. Or, I might ask how they prefer to be addressed. I think it is up to each individual to decide what they prefer to be called.

Personally, I like when people address each other by first names. IMO, it breaks down false barriers and rids us of the idea that some people are somehow better than others.

@psychocandy Well said. I feel exactly the same.

Interesting question. I consider these norms to be pretty arbitrary so there is no right or wrong answer here. Everyone should be addressed however they prefer. If a professor wants their students to call them Mikey instead of Professor McPants, that’s fine. If a student doesn’t feel comfortable calling their professor Mikey, they don’t have to. I came to the U.S. from Russia where there is no such familiarity between people in different places of power so it was always hard for me to call my college professors by their first names or even Mrs. So and So so to this day, I call each and single one of them Professor without anything additional and they know that’s my thing. When I become a TA, I’d want to be addressed formally, I think but again, that’s just my thing. My doctors and banks and gmail can call me by my first name, doesn’t bother me in those situations. My boss and I are friends so we call each other by our first names, it doesn’t take away from our professional relationship.

It really depends on your relationship with the person, but as a rule, I address people older than me by Mr./Ms. Surname until they tell me to call them by their first name. For people my age or younger, I first determine whether my relationship with them is personal or professional. Only if I determine it to be personal do I call them by their first name.

Ok, I work for a university in a position that commands some respect. But I am uncomfortable being called Mr. Atta. I much prefer to be called Wunday. For a while I had a barrista who called me Mr. Wunday, which confuzzulated me for a long time. Eventually I asked her why, and she told me she was from the South, and it was a common form of address down there. I rather liked it, actually, once I understood where it came from.

I think I feel uncomfortable placing myself either above or below anyone else in terms of social status. In my mind, we are all equal. No one is above or below anyone else, no matter that they have some great skill or knowledge the other person does not have. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter if it is young or old, to me.

It’s an issue of respect, and to me, respect goes both ways. Being talented doesn’t make you a better person than anyone else. It just makes you better at whatever your talent is. Even then, I think those who have talent also have a social obligation to share their talent with others and to teach others and invite others to sit at the table.

But that’s just me. I always hated being in the audience. I wanted to be on stage with the performers, just so we could share our ideas. But of course, I was always in the audience, which made me feel less of a person. I assume no one likes to feel less of a person.

It’s like being from the “there is no stupid question” faction. We all owe it to everyone else to be kind. It’s probably a stupid thing, but that’s the way I feel. I don’t expect the world to conform to this idea. I don’t expect anyone to agree with it, either. But that’s the world I want to live in.

Thank you all for your responses. You brought up some cases and issues I hadn’t thought of.

Modes of address involve at least two dimensions: status and intimacy. I have no problem with addressing all other adults as social equals, and being addressed likewise, but I dislike having to relate to everyone as if we were all equally close. I’m glad we don’t use the thou/ye distinction in English any more, but I still want certain boundaries respected.

I’m from Michigan, but I can see the appeal of the Southern locution of Miss/Mr. [first name]. It seems friendly without presuming intimacy. I wonder if that is anything like the use of patronymics in Slavic languages?

Concerning gender-neutral modes of address: maybe we could address each other as Citizen Surname, like in France right after the Revolution. That would be gender-neutral, and it wouldn’t hurt to remind Americans that they are citizens of a republic from time to time.

I’m not losing any sleep over this kind of thing, but I was curious to see how others felt about it, because I’m just barely old enough to have observed a shift during my lifetime.

@submariner Miss Firstname sounds uneducated to my northeast ears. I hear echos of Miss Scarlett and old south. That is not actually the case, southerners use the term with respect, but that is how it sounds to me. But, I follow my motto of when in Rome do as the Romans, and I more or less follow their customs. Same with southerners using sir and ma’am, worse when they address their parents with a sir or ma’am, it sounds overly strict and formal for a mommy and her child to me. The first time I heard that, when I was a young teen, I thought those kids must get whipped.

Meanwhile, Go Spartans!

I work at a bank, and we are required to use the customer’s name at each transaction. Ex. “Thank you, Joe, is that all we can do for you?” If I were to do a transaction for a doctor, someone over 40, or someone dressed professionally (suit and tie), I tend to call them Mr. or Ms. whatever their last name is. However, if I’m doing a transaction for a 25 year old, I’m most likely going to call them by their first name. Additionally, if I know the customer because they regularly frequent the branch I work at, I’ll call them by their first name.

I don’t see it as a huge issue and I was surprised to read about all the people that don’t like being referred to by their first name. I’m only 21 years old, so that may be the reason, but when someone at a doctor’s office, bank, etc. calls me Ms. White, it just seems really awkward. I’d really prefer if they used my first name. However, I don’t even think to correct them.

I don’t really see why it’s such a big deal though. I’m not a big fan of the phrase “unequal social situations” either. I mean, what makes one person better or on a higher standard than another? Is it offensive to use someone’s first name? No, I don’t think so. I’d much rather someone call me by my first name than not use my name at all in certain situations. It makes it more informal, personable, and comfortable.

In the situation of a professor/student or a prospective employee to an interviewer/supervisor, I would absolutely use Mr. or Ms. until I was instructed to call them otherwise. I also think that these are very situation-specific. Additionally, I think the idea of co-workers calling each other by their last names sounds ridiculous. A boss, okay, but in all the jobs I’ve had, my bosses have preferred me using their first name. If it was a more professional environment, I’d be more inclined to use their last name.

I’d also like to add that I live in Southeast US. South Carolina to be exact. Where people refer to others as “Miss Kelly” and “Mr Steve”, which I’ll probably never get used to because it just sounds odd to me. But I do use Sir and Ma’am quite a bit. Like if a customer asks me a question at the bank, I’ll say something like, “Yes ma’am, we sure do”. I guess that’s the south rubbing off on me. :) I’m originally from Chicago.

@lbwhite89 I know you are just folowing company policy adressing someone by name during a transaction, so many companies do that now, but I am not a fan of it. If I see you consistently, because you are my local bank, and I am in there every month, and we recognize each other, then I like it, when it is to the point that you recognize me. But when I eat at TGIFriday’s while on vacation, and the waiter does not know me from Adam, I find it very odd that they thank me for coming and use my name. If I had paid cash, they would not even have my name. I find it uncomfortable for someone to slow down the transaction at Target to try and pronounce my name. Don’t get me wrong, I am not annoyed every time someone does it, I just find it odd typically. There are exceptions. I was in the Post Office yesterday, and the gentleman helping me caught my last name on my card and asked me how to say it. We had been chatty anyway, and no one was behind me. That sort of thing is fine, but the forced, I have to call everyone by their name, is again odd to me.

I recognize that it’s company policy and don’t hold it against the employees. But the fact that it’s company policy reinforces my claim that it is phony. People who would not be inclined to call me by my first name do so because their bosses are making them do so. And their bosses are making them do so in an attempt to apply social psychology in a manipulative way, to create an illusion of friendship that may make me more likely to spend money there or less likely to go to a competitor. Likewise, mutatitis mutandis, for the workplace (think of Catbert, the evil HR character in the Dilbert comic strip).

I notice that on the TV sitcom That 70s Show, close male friends address each other by their last names. I grew up in the 70s, and that is not how I remember it. The people who addressed me by my last name when I was young were not my friends. They were classmates or peers I was not very friendly with, or male teachers with military experience (typically shop or gym teachers).

In college, I generally addressed professors as Prof. or Dr. [last name], and they called me Mr. [last name]. I think I usually called TAs by their first name. My dad went to an ivy league university where the professors eschewed titles and preferred to be called Mr. In grad school, my professors wanted to be on a first name basis with me. I think they thought this promoted collegiality, but I found it awkward because I had gotten used to calling profs by their titles as an undergrad, and because I couldn’t really feel chummy with anyone who had that much power over me.