We have all met different people in our lives and had very different experiences. As a result of it, we tell different stories. @Kardamom may have met men who tell her things and they are true, and she regretted not listening to them. I could never have been one of those guys. Yes, I have said I don’t want a relationship when I didn’t want one, but I did my best to make sure the woman understood that, and I think, mostly, I succeeded. Communication is always hard, even with two people with the best intentions and psychotherapy skills. It’s just hard.
But it is a trick not to fool yourself, too. I totally agree with that. I’m sure just about all of us have projected what we wanted to think on top of someone else’s words and actions. Learning this is part of getting older, I think. I learned a doozy of a lesson when I was 21.
This is to say that I don’t think it is helpful to think of right and wrong here. We all have different experience, and it may or may not be of use to you.
Personally, I think love is the most important thing in life. That’s what it is for me. So I’ve spent a lot of my life focused on that. Relationships are very important to me. This does not make me any better at it than anyone. I’ve had my share of problems and pathologies, psychologically speaking.
I don’t mind making mistakes or getting hurt. For me, that is the quicker path to finding what I want. Others try to avoid pain in relationships. Some get burned and may never let themselves close again. I don’t understand this. I really don’t. But others surely do not understand my approach.
So I err on the side of finding love, perhaps in the wrong places. Others here want to protect you and warn you away from a “mistake.” I believe people are more resilient and can recover and should take more chances in love. I do not believe you should be unprotected in sex. But emotionally, I believe in taking chances.
It’s just another way of traveling through life. I think that when we think about sex and young women, people, especially women, tend to get very protective. I’m not sure what they are protecting against. Emotional pain? STDs? Rape? I think that we need to teach our daughters to have emotional strength and to be able to handle their own relationships. I don’t know if telling them not to have relationships helps. I think it’s better to try things. Little things first, and then more things. The key is to have strong boundaries and to know how far you can go and when you will say no to a man. Unfortunately, it is mostly the job of women to have the boundaries since men are willing to go farther, faster, without commitment or even establishing ground rules.
I don’t condone the male side of things, but it is a reality. It is something we need to change. But we also need not overreact on the female side of things. Try things out. Just know where your bottom line is, and be prepared to say no and make it stick.
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