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Pinklady's avatar

He says he doesn't date virgins?

Asked by Pinklady (315 points ) September 16th, 2012

I met this awesome guy but he said from the first date that he doesn’t date virgins and if I am one I don’t have a chance. He brings up sex to the conversation quite often. I just want to be optimistic and say it’s because he is not ready to get married or too serious, or even wait a year for the pleasure. And most girls get too attached to their firsts so he doesn’t want that pressure? Tell me what you think…

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29 Answers

Nullo's avatar

Dump him.

Pandora's avatar

I think you should move on. From your last post it seems you aren’t ready to have sex unless you think it is someone worthy. Your first time should be with someone who would be there the next day. Not someone who is just looking to get laid and move on.
Btw, most guys who say that are being completely honest about just looking for a good time with no attachment. He told you that to alleviate any guilt he may feel for having sex with you and dumping you later. You are not going to be the exception to the rule. In his mind he broke up with you already he just wants a cookie on his way out. And if you get mad at him then he will say its your own damn fault because he was honest from the beginning.

Aethelflaed's avatar

Is it him saying that he doesn’t want to get married or serious or wait a year, and that most girls get too attached to their first, or you?

If he’s not into dating virgins, and you are one, then that doesn’t really seem like a good match. How old are the two of you, anyway?

Pinklady's avatar

@Aethelflaed He said it… I’m 20

Coloma's avatar

@Pinklady My daughter is 24 and was a virgin until she hooked up with her boyfried at 21.
They have been together 3 years now.
You have time, take it. I was barely 16 my first time, and, the guy sounds a lot like my 1st experience, conquer and get outta Dodge as fast as possible. lol

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Pinklady Then he sounds like an asshole.

Pinklady's avatar

@Coloma Haha yeah.. He gives me mixed signals though, I know he likes me! We are so similar, but he is just a bit of a maniac… Haha… But thanks I’ll definitely take my time! Get to know him more… Maybe he has never met someone like me.

@Aethelflaed Oh boy. He does doesn’t he!

Aethelflaed's avatar

Is he much older than you are?

Pinklady's avatar

@Aethelflaed Same age! But he has had sex before…

Aethelflaed's avatar

Then he’s really an asshole, because tons of people are still virgins at your age without it really signifying anything.

Bellatrix's avatar

He sounds as if he is looking for a quick lay. You deserve better than that. A man who is worth spending time with and who it is worth being worried about what they think, does not tell you they aren’t interested in virgins and doesn’t keep talking about sex. He doesn’t sound respectful at all.

sinscriven's avatar

He wants a partner he can have sex with, and virgins are tougher nuts to crack and require a fair bit of investment and “teaching” compared to a non-virgin who is more easily open to the idea of sex, and will know what they are doing.

He was brutally honest, but I think this is a favor to you. Sex is a required dimension of relationships with him, and if you are not capable or willing to put up with that, you can blow him off and find someone more deserving.

Kardamom's avatar

@Pinklady You’ve just described this guy as being kind of a maniac which is a person I would avoid at all costs. I know it sounds cute and exciting to describe him as a maniac, but what it really means is that he’s wreckless.

You say he gives you mixed signals that is never a good sign.

He said that he doesn’t date virgins and if I am one I don’t have a chance believe him. He may have sex with you (because sex in and of itself is not dating) but he’s not going to become your boyfriend. He’s made that perfectly clear.

Don’t be one of those dumb girls who thinks that their situation is so different from everybody else’s. Or that you can change him or win him over.

I don’t think you’re as alike as you think you are. You see something exciting in this guy and you want to believe that you are his muse or something. You’re not. You’re one of many girls he’s either slept with or will sleep with.

Sex can be really fantastic, but it can also be really sucky if the person you’re having sex with doesn’t love or respect you, or dumps you soon after they’ve slept with you. This guy is holding up semaphore flags in front of your face to let you know that you’re not the girl he wants to have a long term relationship with, but he wouldn’t hesitate to boink you if you let him, but he’ll be gone in short order.

Some guys, probably ones that sleep with lots of women, don’t prefer virgins because there is a lot of hype surrounding losing one’s virginity and these guys don’t want to be put in that position, because they know they’re not going to be there for her, because they simply don’t care.

There are other guys, boyfriend and husband material kinds of guys, that would be honored to share your first sexual experience. Those guys are not maniacs. They might be the shy quiet guy in your English class, or the fellow that works in your office who always smiles and says good morning to you. Or he might be one of your brother’s quiet, smart friends, or a guy that you knew in high school who was too shy to talk to you then. Hold out for one of those guys.

Pinklady's avatar

@Kardamom Darn, that helped a lot. Especially that last paragraph. I have always been attracted to the shy-ish, mysterious, nice guys who don’t tell much but you can tell they are “good”. This guy is a different subject… I can be myself around him, even the edgiest part of me, and it would be cool. He is smart and likes similar things as me. He is like a kid, yes… Sometimes. He is too hyper sometimes. He is pretty immature I must say because of his words about sex. But he is himself ,and he is honest. He DOES like me, he only had one girlfriend before, and he does want me to be his girlfriend, I know. What’s even weirder is that when we are together, he never makes a move. It’s just his childish words of sex that are too absurd. But in reality, he just can’t make moves. I can see he is worried of me not liking him. He just is, no matter what the society says. That’s what I love about him. I am like that too! So two crazy weirdos being awesome partners… With the shy quiet, nice guy though, I can not really be myself (not the weird crazy side of me at least, which I only like to show if I’m comfortable with someone). So, that’s pretty much why I never had a boyfriend in my life. My best friends fall for me, and they love me for who I am, but I never see them like that. I want something different, something special, something that has electric connection and comfort… But, that involves heartbreak.

:(

Kardamom's avatar

@Pinklady I do see heart break in your future.

Pinklady's avatar

@Kardamom I’ll try to avoid it… You make so much sense.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Pinklady Please listen to @Kardamom ! The guy is a jerk and is only looking to get into your pants – and blame any attachment issues on you.

You will most likely remember your first time forever. Do you want it to be with that asshole?

Go for the nice quiet guy who will really care about you. He’s near you every day but is too shy to speak up. That’s the one you want! .

wundayatta's avatar

@LuckyGuy That doesn’t make any sense. He tells her he won’t do a virgin because he is trying to get into her pants? All she has to say is that she is a virgin, and he loses interest. No. He is not looking to get into every girl’s pants. He is only interested in sex with women who he doesn’t have to break in. That seems pretty smart, to me.

I can definitely understand not wanting to be with a virgin. I did it once. Never again! It was very unpleasant and I don’t think I could make it pleasant. Not even if I was totally in love with someone. Ick! There are guys who like that kind of thing. They get a thrill out of it. I’m just not interested in someone who has no idea what they are doing. You can call me an asshole. I know I look like one. Doesn’t make it so, though.

I would caution everyone that we do not know these two. We only know what she has chosen to tell us about them. It is not even close to the whole story. The whole premise seems to be false. He doesn’t date virgins. They are dating. She is a virgin. Something isn’t true here.

Anyway, he’s 21. What the hell does he really know about himself? I don’t think he’s saying he just wants sex. I think he’s saying he wants someone with experience that he doesn’t have to teach. He’s saying that he’s not equipped to bring someone into the world of sex. He’s saying he doesn’t want the responsibility.

It’s possible that he’s saying he doesn’t want a real relationship, but I’m not sure about that. If he’s single, that’s not necessarily the case. The fact is that no one knows what is possible when they first enter a relationship. People say they want or don’t want a lot of things, but somehow all those desires seem to change given the reality of another person.

Personally, I think people think they know what they want, but they are largely clueless. So I don’t pay much attention to what people say about what they want in another person. I know that changes. I know people are often fairly misguided about what is going on inside and that if you make predictions about their future behavior based on what they say, you will be wrong a majority of the time.

So I would ignore what he says. I would pay attention to how it goes when the two of you are together. If it comes to pass that you two really like each other, then you will find a way to deal with the virginity issue. But until then, really, nobody knows anything useful. Right now, you’re just hanging out. You have no idea where it will go.

Pinklady's avatar

^ I didn’t tell him I was a virgin or not.

wundayatta's avatar

Unless he asks, I don’t think you have a requirement to tell him. It seems like it only becomes an issue if you develop a relationship. As far as I can tell, right now that isn’t a danger.

Kardamom's avatar

Here’s what I discovered from talking to the OP a little bit more. They’re not actually dating, she kind of jumped the gun on that by referring to him as her boyfriend. They’re mostly just hanging out. He said he didn’t want to “date” a virgin, but he never said that he wouldn’t have sex with one (or her). And he doesn’t know whether or not she’s a virgin, because she’s not yet disclosed that information to him.

Most of the guys that I have encountered in my dating life, since age 16 up until now, have been pretty clear about what they wanted, and some of it didn’t sound very appealing (although it did sound very exciting), but when I was young, I tended to read into what they said and tried to make it “fit” my situation. I was convinced that if a fellow told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which turned out to be true 100% of the time) what he really meant (and I was so wrong) was that he just hadn’t found the right girl yet, and I was bound and determined that that girl was going to be me. I never was, and they told me so from the get go.

As I grew older, I started believing what potential dates told me with regards to what they wanted or didn’t want (stuff like getting married or not, having children or not, being monagamous or not) and it made life so much easier.

What I’m most concerned about is the fact that she’s described him as a guy who talks a lot about sex, even though they just met, and she said he’s quite immature and is sometimes a maniac (which you can take to mean whatever you want, I don’t see it as a positive, but that’s just me).

@Pinklady me and @wundayatta are giving you information from 2 very different persepectives, even if you don’t agree with everything or anything that either one of us have said, hopefully you can pick some things from column A and some things from column B and with six you get eggrolls. Just like with a great Chinese meal. Relationships are spicy and complicated and filled with mysterious ingredients. It’s very tempting, tastes fantastic and makes you want more a half an hour later, and it can also cause heartburn. : )

LuckyGuy's avatar

Obviously I do not know him. All I have to go on is the OP’s info. Which is:

“He brings up sex to the conversation quite often.”
“He gives me mixed signals.”
“he is just a bit of a maniac.”
“he has had sex before.”
“He is like a kid.”
“He is too hyper sometimes.”
“He is pretty immature I must say because of his words about sex.”
“his childish words of sex that are too absurd.”

He’s 20. It’s a safe bet he’s looking for sex and just playing it cute. (At least that’s the way the smart money would bet.)

Pinklady's avatar

@LuckyGuy Playing it cute?...

wundayatta's avatar

We have all met different people in our lives and had very different experiences. As a result of it, we tell different stories. @Kardamom may have met men who tell her things and they are true, and she regretted not listening to them. I could never have been one of those guys. Yes, I have said I don’t want a relationship when I didn’t want one, but I did my best to make sure the woman understood that, and I think, mostly, I succeeded. Communication is always hard, even with two people with the best intentions and psychotherapy skills. It’s just hard.

But it is a trick not to fool yourself, too. I totally agree with that. I’m sure just about all of us have projected what we wanted to think on top of someone else’s words and actions. Learning this is part of getting older, I think. I learned a doozy of a lesson when I was 21.

This is to say that I don’t think it is helpful to think of right and wrong here. We all have different experience, and it may or may not be of use to you.

Personally, I think love is the most important thing in life. That’s what it is for me. So I’ve spent a lot of my life focused on that. Relationships are very important to me. This does not make me any better at it than anyone. I’ve had my share of problems and pathologies, psychologically speaking.

I don’t mind making mistakes or getting hurt. For me, that is the quicker path to finding what I want. Others try to avoid pain in relationships. Some get burned and may never let themselves close again. I don’t understand this. I really don’t. But others surely do not understand my approach.

So I err on the side of finding love, perhaps in the wrong places. Others here want to protect you and warn you away from a “mistake.” I believe people are more resilient and can recover and should take more chances in love. I do not believe you should be unprotected in sex. But emotionally, I believe in taking chances.

It’s just another way of traveling through life. I think that when we think about sex and young women, people, especially women, tend to get very protective. I’m not sure what they are protecting against. Emotional pain? STDs? Rape? I think that we need to teach our daughters to have emotional strength and to be able to handle their own relationships. I don’t know if telling them not to have relationships helps. I think it’s better to try things. Little things first, and then more things. The key is to have strong boundaries and to know how far you can go and when you will say no to a man. Unfortunately, it is mostly the job of women to have the boundaries since men are willing to go farther, faster, without commitment or even establishing ground rules.

I don’t condone the male side of things, but it is a reality. It is something we need to change. But we also need not overreact on the female side of things. Try things out. Just know where your bottom line is, and be prepared to say no and make it stick.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Pinklady
Here’s a purely hypothetical conversation not based on reality. These are fictional characters. Any similarity to any real person is purely coincidental.

Guy: I don’t date or have sex with virgins.
Virgin. Why is that?
Guy: Because they get too attached to their firsts and I don’t want the pressure.
Virgin: What pressure?
Guy: I don’t want to get serious. I just want to fool around and enjoy.
Virgin: That’s what I want, too
Guy: But I won’t have sex with virgins because they get serious.
Virgin: Will you date or have sex with me if I promise not to get serious?
Guy: No. Even though I think you are very nice.
Virgin: What if I promise to not get serious and not get too attached?
Guy: No. Even though I think you are very nice and special.
Virgin: What if I promise to not get serious, not get too attached, and give you no pressure?
Guy: Mmmm… Ok… If you insist. I guess I can make an exception in your case.

That’s playing it cute.

Pinklady's avatar

@wundayatta @Kardamom I was talking to my friend today about it, he is a guy too and he is one of my best friends. He said “Not every dog that barks bite”...

LuckyGuy's avatar

But if you had to bet, odds are you’re safer with the dog that only wags his tail and nuzzles you. ;-)

Kardamom's avatar

That’s kind of like those people that say that pitt bulls aren’t dangerous. One of my close friends, against my better advice, got a pitt bull from the pound. He seemed super sweet, and they even took him to dog training. He seemed like the exception to the rule. After a few years, he snapped the neck of one of her other dogs, a dog that the pitt bull had lived in harmony with since that dog was born : ( They’re un-predictable and can be over powering.

P.S. Max, the pittbull wasn’t a barker, he was a licker.

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