Social Question

pleiades's avatar

Any jellies here feel their partners aren't really listening until you raise your voice?

Asked by pleiades (6216 points ) December 26th, 2012

Or does anyone have to change their tone to be taken seriously constantly?

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6 Answers

augustlan's avatar

I’ve had partners like that in the past, but not this one. Thank goodness. The downside is that my husband sometimes thinks I’m being serious when I’m actually kidding.

Shippy's avatar

I think people overall listen to me less when I shout. As I have a terrible temper. So I have for years tried very hard to dampen it. Whispering really works for me.

tedibear's avatar

Nope. Raising my voice makes him defensive. Of course, the only time I might raise my voice is if we’re arguing which means there’s potential defensiveness anyway.

IMHO, if a person has to raise their voice for their partner to listen to them, it’s because they have trained their partner into that behavior.

JLeslie's avatar

My husband hates when I shout. He did not grow up in a screaming house, and to him raised voices during an argument signals to him things are very very bad. Overall I feel like my husband listens to me so I don’t feel like I need to use some sort of tactic. I raise my voice too easily, but if he just asks me not to shout I can usually tone it down and the conversation can continue. Once in a blue moon I feel I am not being heard and it usually drives me to tears, which is when I might finally get some attention on whatever I am trying to say. Growing up it was like that with my father, but to much more of an extreme. Sometimes I felt like I had to be a physical mess, crying, in dry heaves for him to understand how upsetting something was for me. It wasn’t like I was in that state a lot, because overall I was happy and my parents were quite liberal with rules and such, but he had a very hard time deciphering when something was very upsetting for me.

I find with doctors is when I most try to control and plan how I will deliver information and react. Try ten different ways to feel heard.

dabbler's avatar

@Shippy I think this is generally true “people overall listen to me less when I shout” but some personalities will, if upset, be in a state that they really can’t hear you unless you shout at them. This includes bi-polar and borderline personalities.

I find it very unpleasant but necessary to shout about as loud and fiercely as I can in those situations. I also have to work hard to keep a lid on the words I’m using and keep it otherwise clean, because I know what I’m doing and I don’t want to hurt the other person.

A person like that might not have the capacity to say what they mean either, when upset. They say something that alludes to what they are feeling. But the words that are used can be crazy and/or hurtful.
It is a chore to know they are not saying what they mean and don’t mean what they say. It’s also frustrating because that could be a time when I really could use some constructive communication and I have to do all the work to hammer through without doing any damage.
When I do break through sometimes a few exchanges can happen at normal tones, then back to crazy.

But them’s the breaks if you are in a relationship with a child, sibling, spouse, parent… who has that kind of disorder. Love teaches us strange skills at times.

wundayatta's avatar

No. We don’t raise our voices. Not with each other. The children, on the other hand…. ;-)

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