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christina30's avatar

To guys only :I got very tipsy at the office christmas party and made out heavily with one of my single colleagues that I am attracted to. I think he thinks I like him now what should I do ? I am married :( oh no?

Asked by christina30 (68 points ) January 7th, 2013

Ok ok, I know it was wrong okay but it just happened. I never thought this would happen to me.
We were all just having such a good time and yes I am attracted to this guy.
Then it so happened that towards the end of the party we ended up making out heavily, things got really heated between us.
While I was in this state I told him I thought he was cute and that I love him. oh no.
He even told me he thinks I am hot during the session too.
I remember him even suggesting that I come over to his place twice, but when we left together, I got in a taxi and went home.
The thing is , usually people just forget about these things but whenever we are alone or pass each other in the hallway, he gives me a big smile and I could see he is blushing.
I smile back to be polite, but somehow I feel like maybe he enjoyed it and he likes me now.
I am not sure he knows that I am married and that is what makes it horrible.
However at the same time I don’t want to bring up the party at all. He also never brings it up.
However at the same time he is a nice guy and I don’t want to be cold to him as some people might do.
Most of the time I am calm but I try to avoid having full conversations with him and keep it short. I can see he gets offended.
Do you think I am freaking out too much ?
Guys if you made out with a colleague you thought was hot and you did or didn’t know she was married would you keep smiling at her whenever you see her ?
What should I do?

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62 Answers

Blondesjon's avatar

I think it’s more important that you figure out why you did something like that when you are married, drunk or not.

GloriaEstefan's avatar

I’m sure if you just say “I’m married” he’ll get the point.

TheProfoundPorcupine's avatar

Make sure he hears you talking to somebody else about your husband so that he at least learns about that part. I’m sure that there are a lot of people in the same boat as you right now after some Xmas party thing and rather than getting your knickers in a twist it may be best to just confront him and talk over it once and for all and blame it on the wine.

christina30's avatar

Ok .. I also forgot to mention that halfway through the makeout session I stopped shocked and clearly said to him this is wrong. He said why is it wrong? I said I am in a commited relationship. So does he not remember this.. ??

DrBill's avatar

Be upfront, so you are sure not to lead him on, make it plain you are married and would have never done such a thing sober. Then make sure it does not happen again.

Could be he does not want to remember it, so remind him if need be.

Coloma's avatar

I’m a female, but I have to step in here and say that taking the honest and ADULT approach is best to clear the air ASAP. Take the guy aside and just be straight with him, boobs up girl!
Tell him you feel embarrassed and that you want him to know that you are married and that this was a stupid, drunken mistake and that it will never happen again and you hope that it won;t cause any more uncomfortable feelings in your professional relationship.
If you REALLY don’t want to be tempted to make this same mistake twice, with him or anyone you should also come clean with your husband which will keep you accountable, but I somehow doubt you will choose to take this very adult and honest step.

Direct communication is called for here. Just do it and be done and stop playing high school coquettish games. Stop drinking at office parties too, problem solved!

christina30's avatar

I think I am just going to try to avoid him as much as possible..
I mean we work in completely seperate departments and we don’t have to have lunch or breaks at the same time…
I also overheard that he will be leaving the company in 4 months.
I think if i confront him I will just be creating drama and make matters uncomfortable..
I will just let it phase out.
Just that in the meanwhile I would like to talk to him without him thinking that I am into him.

wundayatta's avatar

You know, @christina30, you may not be getting any advice you want to hear, but you are sure helping me understand why I have been treated this way so many times.

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TheProfoundPorcupine's avatar

@christina30 I have to pick up on the part where you said “Why do guys not look for these things??” and say that maybe he didn’t think you were a married woman due to you acting the way that you did and started making out with him.

Shippy's avatar

OK, lets get the facts, you are attracted to him, he told you that you were hot, you want to avoid him but also talk to him. You wish he would forget like most people do? You feel he likes you now? Why would you feel that? Would you not just think that. If you were an unemotional observer.

Plus you told him he was cute, and sucked face with him all night. But he should know you are married. Are you for real?

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Kropotkin's avatar

Have an affair.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
zenvelo's avatar

@christina30 I second what @Coloma said. Unless you are looking for a fling, go clear the air now, let him know you made a mistake and nothing further will happen.

If you are looking for an affair, go ahead and ask him out. But this being coy and mistaken but not being adult is the kind of thing that will get you in trouble at home and at work.

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wundayatta's avatar

Did it ever occur to you that maybe it is your behavior that gains you this supposedly unwanted attention? A rock means nothing. Being married means nothing. That’s all window dressing.

Men pay attention to how you behave. You were the one who kissed this guy. You were the one who almost went home with him, and yet it sounds like you are blaming him and blaming guys who hit on you. You are probably being very flirtatious. And men respond to that. If you want to turn off this attention, you have to tell them you don’t mean it, and you should probably apologize. to the guys who have been drawing conclusions you don’t mean from your behavior.

As @Coloma said, the responsible thing to do would be to clear things up with Xmas man. Apologize. Tell him you were drunk and you didn’t mean to lead him on. However, you are married and despite your behavior, you take your vows seriously, and despite your behavior, you do not want anything more and are sorry you did anything with him.

Otherwise, he is going to be wondering who the hell you are. He’ll be thinking nasty things about you. He might be hoping you’ll put out for him still. And worse, he might be saying things about you to other guys. Word of your little escapade could be going all over the place. You only have a chance of stopping that if you explain to him what happened from your point of view.

The problem may be that you aren’t really sure what happened. If guys think you are coming onto them all the time, it may be because you are not clear about the signals you are giving. You should clear this up with words. Make sure your words clear up any mistaken impressions your body language gives out.

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wundayatta's avatar

The first step is to be aware of it. Then you can learn how to change how you behave or what to say so you can straighten people out. I’ve met a number of women who seem like flirts in my life. I got to know one of them, and found out she did not mean to lead men on, and had no interest in them and she was honestly mystified about why men kept coming on to her. She ended up leaving the program we were in, so I don’t know what happened to her.

But there are a lot of women like that, and I believe they don’t know how they come across. If you don’t change the way you behave, this will keep happening.

It may also be because of needs you have for male approval. Like getting strokes from your Dad. (Strokes just means approval, not literal touches). You may need to find a better way to get what you want, so that guys don’t get a mistaken idea.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

What’s wrong with being honest and up front?

Take him aside privately sometime when and where you won’t be interrupted – but you’re still in the office setting so he doesn’t get the wrong idea. Tell him flat out that you didn’t lie about some things at the party: you like him and you think he’s cute. And then tell him that you are married, happily so (relatively, anyway; leave it up to him to decide for himself how happy you are, that you were willing to make out with him) and that nothing is in the cards for you and him. Be perfectly and unmistakably clear about that. No waffling, no “joking”, no kidding about “if only”, no qualifiers or uncertainty of any kind. “You’re nice; you’re cute, and I like you. We have no relationship in the cards. I got drunk and lost control. I apologize for any misconceptions I gave you. Are we clear?”

You can deal with your drinking and loss of control on your own time and in your own way. But you need to set this guy straight that you’re not being a tease or a ‘ho. If you have to work with him, then you should be perfectly clear in your lack of intention towards him.

Coloma's avatar

@christina30 Being smiley is fine, but there is no misinterpreting a make out session. lol
I’m a very smiley and outgoing and humorous woman but if anyone gets the wrong impression I TELL them they are off base.
Direct communication is part of being an emotionally mature adult.
No games, no guessing, no hoping and wishing or avoiding, but directly dealing with the issue.

livelaughlove21's avatar

He’s certainly done nothing wrong. You’re the married one. So, there’s no reason to be cold or even short with him. Tell him you’re married, simple as that. Man up (so to speak) and be honest with him.

I’m wondering if you’ve told your husband about this slip. I think both of these men deserve to know the score. I’ve never been “attracted to” another man while married to the point of letting him stick his tongue in my mouth, and if I had, I’d feel too guilty to keep it from my husband. If you don’t have communication, you don’t have a good marriage. Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself if you’d want him to keep this from you.

To be honest, I would think a married woman would be more concerned about her marriage after cheating on her husband (which is what happened) than the awkwardness between her and a man at work. Priorities.

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wundayatta's avatar

@livelaughlove21 What purpose does telling her husband serve?

dabbler's avatar

I agree with @Coloma and @wundayatta talk it over with the guy and let him it know it was a drunken mistake and that you have NO intention of carrying on like that in the future, any other notions are a misunderstanding.

Personally I disagree at this point you do not have to tell your husband but DO learn your lesson.

christina30's avatar

I am going to avoid him completely unless it is work related only… which is almost never..I am not even going to smile at him anymore..
I think he will get the point. I will treat him like he is my boss. totally serious.

Coloma's avatar

@wundayatta Accountability.
If one has to face being accountable it takes the fantasy away and brings you back to the reality of your behavior. All unhealthy things contain an element of secrecy.
@christina30 Yes, people get themselves in compromising situations, you are not a bad person, but this is a life lesson and best handled with total honesty.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@christina30 I think that would be best. I’ve found other men attractive – I’m a human being – but I’ve never been so drunk I made a decision like this without thinking it was wrong at the time. I feel like you’re making excuses and brushing it off as “just a slip-up”. I think you’d feel differently if it was your husband that had this slip-up. Being drunk is no excuse for cheating.

I’m not here to pass jugement, I’m just calling it as I see it. It’s your marriage, not mine, I just think your priorities are a little skewed here.

@wundayatta Are you serious? So, the act of cheating is fine as long as no one finds out? If my husband made out with some girl at a party, I wouldn’t want to be kept in the dark about it. Since when is honesty and communication not important in a marriage?

christina30's avatar

Alcohol affects different people in different ways. For some people you do things without thinking.. That is a fact. For you to say I am making an excuse that I was drunk is just mean and not based on the science of alcohol..
If you drink excessively you can end up doing something that you would think twice about doing. It happens all over the world.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@christina30 It’s not mean. I’m fairly certain you knew before this party that you don’t handle alcohol well. But you put yourself in the situation anyways. That was your choice.

We all make mistakes, but it’s best to own up to it rather than make excuses for it, as if that excuse negates the act.

christina30's avatar

I did not know that.. I have drunk before and this did not happen okay..maybe it was the combination of drinks.. and the fact that it was free..

I did admit that I was wrong okay.. you are just being hurtful

I just want advice on how to deal with the situation now.

I am not making excuses.. I was drunk.. If i was not drunk I would NOT have done it.. I am explaining the effect of my drinking. So I am not making any excuses. I am stating the facts and asking how to deal with it.. I even admitted it was wrong.. I can’t explain why I did it ok.. I really can’t…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Saying “I was drunk” IS making an excuse. I would not cheat on my husband, no matter how drunk I got. Sorry.

Avoiding him is not the answer. You flat out need to tell him, “I’m a married woman and what I did was wrong. I’m very sorry and I hope this won’t affect our professional relationship.”

Coloma's avatar

@christina30 You have joined a community of very bright and decent people. We have given you advice. TELL the guy you are made a mistake and be done with the drama.
Another thing, just because you are wearing a ring means nothing, married people “all over the world” cheat wearing their wedding rings.
Rule number 2 after the policy of being honest and direct…. nobody is a mind reader and this guy “shouldn’t” know anything!

Even if he noticed your ring you gave him some big come on action.
Actions speak louder than rings!

@Dabbler,...true she doesn’t have to tell her husband, but…nothing like having to face the music to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap twice.

Shippy's avatar

@christina30 Unfortunately when you get married and make a commitment to another person, ones behavior is judged in the sense of that commitment being broken. Unless of course prior to the marriage a decision was made by the two parties that this is OK for them. I think the real issues here, is that you drink and lose some control. AA has a great program for people that want to quit. I do believe if one has a drinking problem it can effect how we behave.

I personally would never give advice for you to tell your husband. We don’t know you, and we also don’t know your husband. That is for you to decide. But what is concerning is you have more regard and worry for this guy, and how he is, smiling etc., and none for your husband. In this question at least. But you have got some great answers here. From some very wise people.

syz's avatar

Be a responsible adult and have a brief discussion; “I was inexcusably drunk and behaved inappropriately. I am happily married and have no intention of repeating my mistake. I appreciate your discretion, and thank you for keeping your distance from here on out.”

wundayatta's avatar

@Coloma Accountability can be had without hurting her husband terribly. She can hold herself accountable. There is no need to put a whale of a hurt on her husband, and possibly end the relationship in order to find a way to hold yourself accountable.

@livelaughlove21 I am quite serious. It was a question. Why are you imagining I am thinking all kinds of things just because I asked a question. I asked what purpose does telling her husband serve. I think you answered that if your husband did something, you would want to know. But why? Why do you want to know?

You also say something about honesty and communication, but that sounds like a young person’s mistake. Honesty and communication don’t mean you say everything. It means you say the important things.

Usually people want to confess out of guilt. But that is selfish. That maybe makes you feel better, but it doesn’t make your partner feel better.

A confession like this is most likely to end the relationship instead of opening up communication. If there is something wrong with the relationship, then that’s what they need to talk about. The “cheating” is incidental. It’s not the point. The point is what leads to this behavior, and whether it is something that is likely to repeat.

@christina30 tells us she will stop drinking, and I believe she also intends to never do this again. She has learned her lesson. If that is the case, then I fail to see how it serves her husband to learn about something that will hurt the hell out of him, but will never happen again. What is the point?

I think the point is not honesty and it is not communication. I think the point is to hurt her husband. And I don’t think she wants to do that because I think she loves him and wants the marriage to go on. If you can explain to me how hurting her husband deeply helps the relationship, I’m all ears.

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syz's avatar

” my husband told he me if he ever found out i cheated he would divorce me..
so why would i tell him”

Then why did you fool around with another man? Alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it didn’t make you another person; you’re responsible for actions, regardless of the alcohol.

Coloma's avatar

@Wundayatta
It’s bullshit to use the not wanting to hurt another person as an excuse to be dishonest.
It is NEVER about the partner, it IS about the guilty party not wanting to DEAL with the emotional consequences. Such a weak argument.

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livelaughlove21's avatar

@christina30 I’m sorry if you feel attacked. When it comes to cheating, being sensitive or empathetic isn’t a strength I possess. I still stand by everything I said and @WillWorkForChocolate and @syz took the words out of my mouth. You said “I’m not making excuses” and immediately made one. That’s a fact, not a matter of opinion. I didn’t say it to be hurtful, I’m simply being honest. If you didn’t want honesty, perhaps posting this question on a public forum wasn’t a good decision. It’s evident that you aren’t taking the advice provided – having an actual conversation with this guy – and are just going to ignore him regardless of what any of us say. So, what’s the point of us offering advice if it falls on deaf ears?

@wundayatta The fact that you don’t see cheating as an “important thing” says enough about your viewpoint on infidelity and, believe me, we’re not going to agree here. I would personally want to know if my husband had his tongue down another woman’s throat because this is indicative of a serious issue in our marriage. There’s nothing incidental about this – the reasons leading up to the act need to be addressed, but the act IS the problem. If it didn’t occur, who says there’s a problem? Like I said, we’re obviously not going to agree. I’m not a cheater and would not put myself in this situation, but keeping your partner in the dark about such things is dishonest and deceitful. If marriage vows mean nothing, however, then I guess there’s no reason to tell him.

If anything is a “young person’s mistake” it is cheating in the first place. Unfortunately, it’s not only young people that do this.

christina30's avatar

Yes in some cases it is better not to tell the person.. it is more practical.. You are not trying to deceive .. you know it would be devastating to let them know.. especially if you saw it as a big mistake.

How many of you women know for sure how many women your boyfriends slept with before you gor married or if he had a hooker before you or slept with someone on his bachelor night..

Men do not reveal everything because they know it would affect your opinion of them.. especially if it mean nothing to them.

That is the reality of life

If you want to sit their naively and think your husband has no secrets.. and I am not just talking about sex.. Think again!!

Everyone in this world has a secret that they willl never tell anyone..

For example it is a fact of life that most men do masturbate whether married or not. That most men fantasize about having sex with other women.. I am sure if you husband told you that you would be upset. But my husband who is very honest with me told me that when a guy masturbates he thinks of other women as a matter of fact multiple women .. But it’s just physical .. it is not like he wants to be in a relationship with them.. Now that is FOOD for thought isn’t it…

Some people just live in a bubble..Your man does not always tell you everything..

So those of you who are unforgiving and just saying I am making excuses are being mean okay I AM SORRY.. I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN… As human beings we are supposed to forgive each other and try to help.. not automatically assume that someone is a bad person because they make a mistake in a moment of weakness.

No human beings are perfect.

Goodnight.. I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN .. I am truly sorry for what I did and just want to put things straight with this guy..

I was not looking for an affair.. Goodnight everyone

syz's avatar

Wow. That’s some serious displacement. You’ve jumped from discussing your own bad behavior to a diatribe on naive women, sexual histories, cheating husbands, masturbation…...

Telling you that you behaved badly is not being mean. You behaved badly. And you put it out on the internet for discussion.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@christina30 Saying, “I’m not going to tell my partner I cheated on him/her because it would hurt him/her too much” is the biggest cop out I’ve ever heard. It is yet another excuse to not own up to your own mistake and, as @Coloma said, is a very weak argument.

No one is saying you should be perfect. No one is perfect. And I never said you were a bad person. But it says something about your character when you don’t have the decency to let the man you supposedly love know that his wife deceived him. Drunken mistake or not.

Men who lie about sleeping with someone at their stag party are also being deceitful. “It meant nothing to me” – really? If that person meant nothing to you, you wouldn’t have done what you did. This is only a good excuse in an open relationship, which you obviously don’t have. No, I’m not naive enough to think that there’s nothing my husband hasn’t told me before, but we tell each other the things that matter. And cheating matters. I trust my husband and he’s never given me a reason not to. Unfortunately for your husband, he’ll never know that he has such a reason. I feel badly for him and I hope, for his sake, that you really don’t do it again. Though, it’s easy to say that – not as easy to honor it.

Coloma's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Right…this “it meant nothing” mantra is so pathetic. If something means nothing then you have nothing to hide.
That’s the caveat…if it really means nothing then the person would go right home and say ” Hey baby, just wanted you to know I made out with a guy at the office, but it didn’t mean anything.” lol
I salute you for your commitment to total transparency, a rare thing indeed.

DrBill's avatar

@christina30 to prevent public ridicule, I have sent you a private response.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Coloma's avatar

Well…the biggest thing IMO is she is more worried about “putting things right” with office dude instead of her husband. I’d tell office boy that I screwed up and then I would go straight home and confess and take my lumps accordingly like a big girl.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

So, let me sum up: You got trashed and got all sloppy with a co-worker even though you’re married, you don’t want to tell your husband, the co-worker is now flirtatiously smiling at you at work, you don’t know what to do (and how the hell old are you again?), you ask an online community for advice, we give you the best advice we can, you don’t want to take the advice and just keep making lame excuses for your bad behavior, you accuse us of attacking you, but you’re pissed off because truly you know that the right thing to do is to be honest with your husband and your co-worker, but you still want us to endorse your decision to act like a child and pretend like the whole thing never happened, and we say that’s an irresponsible choice, so now you’re “taking your toys and going home.” Did I get all of that right?

Coloma's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate That just about covers it. lol
Lord…the games people play.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Response moderated (Personal Attack)
dabbler's avatar

In my opinion not saying something to the work colleague is unfair to you both. It will be completely understandable to him if you just make the simple statement that it was a mistake and it will never happen again. You can also proceed to be friends after that.
If you don’t say something to him you will be awkward every time you see him. He does not deserve that and you don’t need to feel that way toward him.

In my opinion what happened did not cross a serious line but it got close, and clearly should not have happened. She didn’t go home with him and she didn’t screw him on the desk at the office.
At this point I agree with @wundayatta that it will accomplish nothing to say something to the husband about it. He would have to assume it is a more important event than it probably is, and will react accordingly.

If @christina30 has learned that whether or not she is drunk, or stoned or tired or cranky, she is responsible for every action she takes then she has learned a very valuable lesson and it did not cost a disaster price.

Coloma's avatar

@dabbler I see your POV but really…where is this mysterious “line” that might be taken to be ” a more important event” than it is. Hot makeout action with office boy that most likely involved way more than a brief stolen kiss on the cheek. Reminds me of the of Clinton scene, is a blowjob really “sex.”? haha
Anything more than a minor flirtation with ZERO physical contact IS a breach of a monogamous agreement.
I just don’t buy into all the rationalizing.

Well ya know, I didn’t actually have sex with that stripper she just dry humped my hard on and then I jerked off in the bathroom.. Oookay, guess you’re off the hook. I don’t think so.

wundayatta's avatar

@livelaughlove21 We will agree to disagree. I hope you are never in a position where your husband decides to confess something to you that is very hurtful, but not that relevant to your future. He’ll feel guilty, and he’ll tell you, and then you’ll always wonder about him forever after that. He did it once. Might he do it again? You’ll grow suspicious and start watching him more closely. You’ll stop giving him any private space. He’ll grow resentful.

Lots of things can happen at that point. He still loves you, but you’re not letting him love you any more. Your jealousy grows more and more livid. And eventually it becomes untenable. He can’t stand it. He divorces you.

He didn’t want to. He loved you. He made a mistake. But he knew you wanted to know everything. You wanted honesty. And because of it, your marriage is over and you are alone. Maybe you think you’re better off. I know a lot of women would.

Maybe this wouldn’t be your story. Maybe you wouldn’t be jealous. Maybe you’d forgive him. But it is a story that has happened a lot and will happen a lot.

The advice to keep a secret is common and it is advice that therapists give, too. People make a big thing out of honesty, but it isn’t honesty and it isn’t communication. It’s guilt and seeking not to be responsible for your own actions. When you confess, you dump it on someone you supposedly love. It doesn’t help in most cases.

I understand your desire for open communication. I used to think it was the ideal, too. But I have learned that it isn’t. It lays seeds that eat away at your psyche and it can be soul destroying. Very rarely is it a good thing.

jonsblond's avatar

@christina30 If your husband hit you and he used the excuse that he was drunk, he would never do that to you when he was sober, would you accept that excuse and live happily ever after?

@wundayatta If you can’t be completely honest with your spouse then you are living a lie.

blueiiznh's avatar

Simple, Tell him you are not interested.

The rest is up to you.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@wundayatta How exactly is confessing your infidelity “seeking not to be responsible for your own actions”? You stand in front of your partner and your family and friends and take a vow to love your partner, and honor them, and be true to them. When you break these promises, the marriage could quite possibly end, and maybe it should. My guess is that your experience is as the cheater, and not the cheated on, and that explains your viewpoint on the subject. Make all the excuses you want, but I’ve taken a few marriage and family courses and spoken to many many MFTs and I can almost guarantee none of them would tell a patient to lie to their spouse in order to not “get in trouble” for their shitty decision. Telling the other person IS taking responsibility. How is keeping it from them taking responsibility? All you’re doing is avoiding an uncomfortable conversation and, I’m sorry, but that’s no reason to deceive a loved one.

I just read this to my husband and asked what he thought, as an unbiased responder. He started by shaking his head at the original question, and when I asked if he would want me to tell him if I kissed another guy at some party, his response was, “Yes, so I could leave you.”

You know what? That’s the reality. What kind of person would prefer to be lied to by their husband or wife because the truth would hurt their feelings? If the kissing was no big deal, then telling the husband would not be an issue. It is a big deal, and that’s why she isn’t going to tell him. It’s not because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings – it’s because she doesn’t want to lose her husband and have the guilt of her failed marriage being her fault. Like I said, it’s a cop-out. You don’t tell your partner for yourself, not for them. And anyone who says they keep it to themselves for the sake of their SO is just a joke. You obviously weren’t too concerned about their feelings when you cheated.

You make a crappy decision, you face the consequences. There comes a time in our lives when we have to put on our big girl panties and admit that we made a huge mistake. This is where we can grovel and beg for forgiveness because we are the ones in the wrong and we’re the ones that should pay. Maybe we can save the relationship and maybe we can’t. Maybe we can work out our problems, and maybe we can’t. This is always a risk in marriage. If you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t get married.

Who says that this won’t eventually come out? What if this guy really likes her, finds out about the husband, and tells him himself? How humiliating would it be to find out either from someone that isn’t your partner or to have it come out years later? How would you feel? I know I’d feel embarrassed and like the entire marriage was based on one big lie. This is on the internet now. Look at all these complete strangers that know what happened before the husband has any clue. I feel horrible for him. This man deserves the truth, but he won’t get it because his wife is scared to take responsibility for what she did. It’s sad and pathetic.

Coloma's avatar

@wundayatta No, it lays seeds of deception and I cry bullshit. Most therapists do not advocate deception, and oh, poor cheater, THEY become resentful? Still all about YOU and YOURSELF, the very same reason people cheat to begin with. Selfish, narcissistic, “poor me” I’m not getting MY needs met! My ex pulled the same bullshit…” Oh you are making this so hard for ME!” Me,me, me, me, ME!

Yeah, cry me a river. Poor cheaters, damned of they do, damned if they don’t. That’s right! lol
This is WHY most relationships don’t survive cheating, because in the end, is is still all about the poor, misunderstood, deprived philanderer and most of the time they give themselves waaay more credit for how hard they tried. Usually expecting everything to go back to normal in, oh, about 2 weeks! lol

dabbler's avatar

@Coloma I see your point. I’m not saying there was no transgression. And some lines were crossed indeed.

I’m still in agreement with @wundayatta that it will do no good to tell hubby about this.
I’ve not been in those shoes, so I’m not sure what I’d do. I’d be conflicted, but there seems to be something to the point that it’s more good for the confessor than the one receiving the news.
Ultimately it really depends on what happens in the future as a result. If there are other similar events that get the same treatment then that is serious rationalization. If nothing remotely like it happens again then lesson learned, penance paid.

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