How do I resolve my problem? (NSFW, but it happened at work so what can I say)

Cockroaches have the same basic needs of all living things. So if one of those are not in adequate supply, life isn’t going to be successful. Now for a rather bizarre (and scary) story to make my point.

I am a security guard. In a large building that I go through daily, there is an unused janitor closet that is being used to store off season supplies such as last year’s Christmas tree, random paper bags full of stuff, and old office equipment.

One day on a whim, I opened it to find some large cockroaches in there. As I am always in a hurry while I am there, I always forgot to mention it to anyone before I left. So time passed, and every few weeks I’d open the closet door to find a few more roaches. Several always lurked in the corners of the ceiling, glaring at me for introducing light into their dark world. I thought it very strange that I never noticed them anywhere else but in that closet (there was a wide crack under the door so they could have left if they wanted to). It was also strange that I never saw any babies. Yet their number kept growing.

People at the front office didn’t seem to take my reports seriously, for there always so many more pressing issues than a janitor closet with bugs in it that never bothered anybody. Those enormous roaches began to haunt my dreams. They always made a rustling noise like mice scurrying out of sight, and I began to realize there were probably a few more in that closet than it appeared.

Then one day an employee opened that janitor closet door. That’s when the maintenance man got involved. Because I’m against the use of poison, I suggested roach traps as a first line of defense. I think they caught one. Weeks passed, with the maintenance man haphazardly trying one futile method after another to get rid of the roaches. The pesticide guy got involved and repeatedly sprayed in there, but the population continued to grow.

Eventually word of the roach problem reached the administrative level, and things got serious. The maintenance man bought a bug bomb and set it off in the janitors closet, but he forgot to seal the crack at the bottom of the door.

“It was like the zombie cockroach apocalypse!,” he said. “They were pouring out from under that door! I think I killed over 300!”

We figured out that the cockroaches were coming up through the drain and they stayed there because there was enough moisture to keep them alive but not enough to reproduce. The maintenance man covered the drain with duct tape, thinking that would be an end to the problem. A few weeks later I checked the closet again. The seal on the duct tape had been broken.

Drains always produce sewer gas, and pressure must have built up in there until the seal popped. Roaches have begun to haunt my dreams again. At this point, just so I can sleep at night, I am trying to think of a way to seal the drain enough to let air through but not roaches.

Does anyone have suggestions for my dilemma? Humor is welcome.