General Question

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

Is this competely unreasonable of me?

Asked by aneedleinthehayy (1186 points ) April 20th, 2009

I am in a relationship. Six months today. I am 18, he is 20. We say we love each other, but we both are on the same page when it comes to the fact that we probably wont be together forever.
As much as I am okay with this, it also scares me to death. So as a coping method I am flirting with this guy who likes me. I like him back but I have no intention of leaving my current boyfriend. This guy says he will wait for me.
Am I being selfish? Will no good come from this? I feel so juvenile and immature, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s so comforting to know that there will be someone for me when my boyfriend leaves me. But, is this fair to the guy I’m flirting with? Is it fair to me? To my boyfriend?
I just want to be happy.

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43 Answers

aviona's avatar

I’m not going to make a morality judgment here, but let me just say I get it.

syz's avatar

You are 18. Why do you need to know that this is the “forever” person? Why does that “scare you to death”?

You need to realize that you are perfectly capable of existing as an individual, on your own, responsible for yourself. What’s your hurry? Why not get an education, travel, experience life before you start deciding that you have to “be” with someone.

Facade's avatar

Why prolong the inevitable? Break up; move on.

tinyfaery's avatar

It is unreasonable because it is based on emotion, not reason. How do you know, 100%, that you will not be together forever? And what does it matter if you don’t stay together forever? Do you enjoy him now? Is the relationship stable and meeting your needs? Why think about the future?

The need to have a safety net is normal, especially at your age, but I advise you to not use the net. You need to learn to be on your own, to enjoy your own company, to learn what kind of life and what kind of partner you want to have. You will never acomplish this by going from partner to partner. Being alone is part of maturing.

aviona's avatar

I didn’t ask the question, but thank you @tinyfaery.

basp's avatar

With maturity, you will get more comfortable with yourself and not have a need for someone else to make you feel whole. Until you reach that level of maturity, my advice would be to just enjoy relationships and don’t try to anticipatethe outcome.

unused_bagels's avatar

flirting with guys isn’t fair if you aren’t 100% serious about dating/sleeping with him. Men are very straightforward and view any untoward attention as an earnest sexual advance. This is because we males only give women too much attention when we want to date/sleep with them.
Women, however, are usually more subtle, and flirting isn’t always meant sexually. This confuses men.
Even if you make sure your flirt buddy is on the same page as you, he might still secretly want it, and it might be tearing him apart.
On the other hand, I could be completely wrong.

Dog's avatar

Plenty of men and women love to have flirty banter and it does not mean anything more than a bit of fun. Since you have an honest relationship with the boyfriend and you both know that long-term things are out of the picture flirting is not a violation of the “temporary” relationship.

It is only unfair if:

The man you are flirting with is insecure and puts more hope in than intended.

You go overboard with flirting and become a sexual tease.

If you are not misleading by implying that you will be free.

On a side note- please examine WHY you are flirting. If it is for fun and you are attracted to the man you are flirting with or if it is because you are creating a safety net- that when your current relationship ends you will be with someone.

It is vital that you explore this as it can cripple your future if you has a fear of being alone. Fear of being alone is natural- but if you expect to have long term happiness in life it must be overcome so that you are free to meet the man of your dreams.

unused_bagels's avatar

@Dog: good point. I tip my hat to you.

Les's avatar

I’m going to answer on behalf of the “other” guy in this scenario. As Dog said above, if you are flirting with him and he says that he will “wait for you”, you are stringing him along. It isn’t fair to him. He may feel that you are thinking about breaking up with your current boyfriend, and could be investing more feelings into the relationship you have with him than you are. So if you have no intention of ending your current relationship any time soon, please cut the other guy loose. I’ve been in his position too many times to know how painful and agonizing it is to “wait” for someone who will never come around.

YARNLADY's avatar

Just be honest with your boyfriend that you do not want to be in an exclusive relationship. If he doesn’t like that, move on.

Sloane2024's avatar

You don’t want to treat this “other” guy as a rebound, which is what he’ll inevitably be if you dive into a relationship with him so soon after ending the one you are currently in. The statement ”...we probably wont be together forever” still leaves room for the possibility that you might be together forever. Assess what you’re really feeling and the reasons why you’re unhappy with your current bf.

And if you do decide to break things off, give yourself some time to heal.

knitfroggy's avatar

Why prolong the relationship with your current boyfriend if you’re just waiting for him to leave you anyway?

Likeradar's avatar

I think you’re being a little unreasonable.

It’s totally ok and quite mature of you to admit that you and your guy probably won’t be together forever. And it sounds like you have a good grasp on your emotions, but perhaps not on how to handle them.

How does your boy feel about you flirting with this other guy? If it’s not ok within your relationship, you need to stop flirting or end your relationship the way it’s now set up. It’s not fair to your guy for you to have you cake and eat it too.

cak's avatar

It’s probably not fair to your current boyfriend. He may not know what is going on, but he will probably figure something out…and let’s face it, that’s not cool. It really sucks to be on that side of things. Regardless of the fact that you are both aware that you are not each others forever person, he does have feelings and it is wise and should be expected, to treat his feelings like you want your feelings treated. I’m sure it wouldn’t feel great, if the shoe was on the other foot.

I’m not being judgmental, really, I’m not. I’m pretty impressed that you are upfront with each other about the long term lifespan of this relationship; actually, the fact that there isn’t a long term lifespan, but that doesn’t let you off the hook on treating him respectfully. It would be much better to go ahead and have the talk about seeing other people or breaking up – don’t play with fire. Even the flirting, could hurt him. I’m sure you don’t want that, right?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I’m quite happy in my marriage and I still flirt. However, I don’t flirt with the intention of keeping someone on the sidelines should my husband leave me. I flirt because it’s fun. I flirt with both genders. There’s a difference between fun flirting and personal flirting.

benjaminlevi's avatar

Besides the flirting thing, if you know you arent going to be together forever why is that a problem? If you like him and are happy with him, even if you dont have a forever plan, I dont see why you wouldnt stick with him

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You’re turning this into a self fulfilling prophecy.

No relationship is going to last forever, this one especially if you keep on like this.

Blondesjon's avatar

You are 18 years old. This is the time in your life when you are supposed to be leaving your options open. This is when you start to discover who you are. This is when any of the guys you hurt on the way through don’t stay hurt for too long. You need to worry about these kind of things if you are still acting this way in your thirties.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I have to think that by the way you worded your question, “we say we love each other” that it sounds like you’re buying some sort of bill of goods that because you’ve been dating for 6 months, you’re supposed to love each other, especially if you’re sexually involved with him. If you’re flirting with a second guy, and view him as waiting in the wings for the first guy to leave you, it isn’t love.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

no this doesn’t have to last forever nor does any relationship no matter your age but wanting it to last forever doesn’t mean you can’t be ‘whole’ without someone..as someone who knows love, it’s something to be desired and doesn’t have to mean you aren’t an individual…but even if a relationship isn’t permanent it still better be making you happy as hell and if you aren’t satisfied, then end it

filmfann's avatar

I don’t think you are being fair to your bf, your friend, or yourself.
If you don’t want to date your bf, break up.
If you want to date your friend, break up with your bf.
If you want the security that you have someone waiting for you, grow up.

wundayatta's avatar

Wow. I’m having a hard time with this “we won’t be together forever” thing. It seems to me that you can’t be fully committed to a relationship if that’s how you feel. Although I’ve seen such relationships that are “non-relationship” relationships, and they’ve lasted for years and years, it just seems like there’s more than a bit of self-deception going on.

Either you are serious about each other and one of both of you are kind of denying it; or you are both not really serious about each other. If you aren’t serious, it’ll eventually die, but I guess you can have fun while it lasts.

This raises the issue of the other guy. If you’re not serious about each other, then it seems to me that you should be free to look for other, possibly more serious relationships. It’s like you’re back to dating. You aren’t being exclusive any more.

Maybe you’d both be cool with that. Or maybe, faced with the pressure of other relationships, you might decide you really do like each other a lot more seriously than you thought.

I’m fine with people being in unserious relationships. If you guys are relaxed enough about it, and no one wants more, I think you’ll be fine. However, if you guys are lying to yourselves, or if your feelings are unequal, you better get things straightened out fast, or there will be a lot of pain.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

it just doesn’t seem like you’re being fair with your two boys… I’ve been on all three sides of your situation, it never ends up well, 9–10 at least two people end up being hurt.

does you boyfriend know about this other guy? It seems like he doesn’t, why don’t you tell him about it and see how he feels…

Lorenita's avatar

I know loneliness may be scary, but you wont die !!! I belive you are very negative about your current relationship for some reason.. you cant be anticipating what will happen ..that’s just crazy, perhaps you are just not that into this relationship.. you are clearly not commited to it.. anyways if it’s not the case and you truly love your boyfriend, you do have to stop this kind of thinking because it will become the cause of your break-up..

cak's avatar

@daloon – they are pretty young – I think it might be the wording of the question. Even though they might not be long term relationship material, maybe both want a non-serious, monogamous relationship – does that make any sense? I don’t know what the correct term would be…luckily, this isn’t an issue for me. I think it is good that they realize that they are together now, but most likely not in the long run. What exactly is wrong with being able to understand that? I think having the ability to say that we’re having fun – but at the same time want to be monogamous…but we know we’re not marriage material, isn’t really a bad thing. It’s the honest thing.

I draw the line there, though. I think there are a lot of other things that need to be discussed and more than likely, it probably needs to end. She already has her eyes on someone else, she’s ready to move on.

I don’t see what is so wrong with dating someone (monogamously) with the understanding that it’s a now thing – probably not a marriage thing.

lataylor's avatar

You must be true to yourself and others. Without integrity you have nothing.

Likeradar's avatar

@cak “I don’t see what is so wrong with dating someone (monogamously) with the understanding that it’s a now thing – probably not a marriage thing.”

Me neither! I think it’s a pretty mature and smart way of looking at a relationship. It sounds like they have a good handle on what young love sometimes is- a now thing.

wundayatta's avatar

@cak “I don’t see what is so wrong with dating someone (monogamously) with the understanding that it’s a now thing – probably not a marriage thing.”

I have no problem with this, either. My concern is that this kind of “nonserious” relationship seems to be bothering @aneedleinthehayy. She is lining up her other opportunities against the day this relationship cracks.

I guess I don’t see how you can have a “now” relationship when you are looking around for your next relationship, and worrying about when “now” becomes then. It sounds to me like she really wants something more than a “now” relationship, and she’s wondering if she should stay for the ride, and then find another ride, or if she should abandon the ride now, to find one that is more fun.

cak's avatar

@daloon – I was responding to this part of your answer:

“Wow. I’m having a hard time with this “we won’t be together forever” thing. It seems to me that you can’t be fully committed to a relationship if that’s how you feel. Although I’ve seen such relationships that are “non-relationship” relationships, and they’ve lasted for years and years, it just seems like there’s more than a bit of self-deception going on”

It seemed like you were making a general observation – in regards to the status of relationships. As far as @aneedleinthehayy, I agree that it seems it is time for her to probably move on – out of this relationship. It seems like she is already finished with this one, if she can mentally line up another person and have them waiting in the wings. That’s pretty much a sign that the “now” relationship is over.

shortysith's avatar

Been there! I wish I knew what I do now at 18. I loved my boyfriend for years, and now that I am 25 i saw that he wasn’t the one for me. The thought of being alone terrified me at that age! It’s ok to be alone! It makes you remember what ur made of, what you are capable of, and most importantly, what is going to make you happy. Don’t stay out of fear. You might miss out on discovering things about yourself or other people who could make a difference in your life.

FreddieMack's avatar

You say that you aren’t going to be together forever, but maybe a time will come when you guys decide to tie the knot and get married. You never know. Young love is unpredictable. One day he just might pop the question out of surprise.

WenDay88's avatar

First of all, no one can make you happy but yourself. You shouldn’t base your happiness upon relationships. Now about the boyfriend thing. True love isnt saying that your relationship will end one day. And true love definitely does not mean you flirt with someone else. You may love him, but it does not sound like you are IN love with him. But i do get where you are coming from. You are young and everyone matures at different rates. It sounds like you arent ready to settle down yet….so just live your life! Don’t worry so much about relationships right now.

Thammuz's avatar

I seriously don’t see the point of asking this when it’s blatantly obvious that the unreasonable part is the fact that you’re still with your current boyfriend.

Don’t make the same error many others do, don’t remain in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. Dump your BF and get with the other guy.

A relationship that goes on purely by inertia isn’t a good relationship it’s a marriage

ponderopus's avatar

You made your question quite simple to answer; however, the only answer you’ll get that really will matter, both now and forever (for you, personally) is the one you can give yourself. At the very end you said “I just want to be happy.” This, indeed, is the most important thing you could ever want and hope for as a state of being for your self. This should be a question you habitually and routinely ask yourself as a “Sanity Check” for all actions you create and do, and all re-actions you create in response to some one or some thing’s actions. Just always quicky – or sometimes it ‘s better to mull it over for a while until you’re comfortable with your answer and decision – ask yourself “Am I really, truly happy right now?” If yes, then great! Keep it up! Good for you! Congratulations! I’m not being sarcastic at all, it’s beautiful when people are actually happy. Especially with themselves. If no, then figure out exactly what it is that’s bothering you – figure it out and think logically about all of the most detailed factual things about a situation that you would want to change, and then prioritize that list – in order of importance, difficulty, effort needed on your part and from others, realisitc amount of time it should take for the change to happen -of things that would need to change for you to be happy, both in the long term and short term. Then you yourself, will have to act in ways, do things, influence things and people, in ways you fell that are right – whatever that means to you, most importantly (don’t think in terms of “right” or “wrong” as they are relative conditions, which fluctuate and can never qualify as “truth.” thus, everyone will have a different view of right and wrong, always, so don’t concern yourself with making or keeping others happy.) When you make decisions and act upon them, practice the art of having no associated, predicted, hoped for reactions from other people or other things, which are all out of your control, as you have already done the actions that you have deemed within your actionable domain of control, power, and influence as right by you. In short, doing things you FEEL and THINK are right, without hinging your hopes of how things will turn out and giving up your personal control of your ability to be happy to others. Instead, anticipate nothing about how the situation will actually pan out. As, really, the probability of anyone predicting, flawlessly enough to be truly considered accurate, the outcome of a situation, as so many of the independent variables are indeed out of their personal control, is highly unlikely. So do what feels right for you to be happy with what you did about changing this particular situation, whatever that may be that you do to make or keep you happy when you think about any of what’s going on with the boys, and move on. Do keep in mind that you will most definitely be able to love again at some point in the future, if you truly allow your self to do so, and this starts only by first loving yourself to keep your happiness as the, rightly so, most important happiness in your life.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

My darling girl….......enjoy your life….......date and have friends…...lots of them. No one and nothing is forever. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. My mom used to tell me this and I never understood what she meant.

Now, I do. Don’t tie yourself down to anyone. Not now. And actually, even when you find the “love of your life”....allow yourself some space to breathe and be free.

Haleth's avatar

Most relationships don’t last forever. If you and your boyfriend are happy together right now, you should just go with the flow and enjoy the moment. It will put a lot less pressure on your relationship and make things more fun and carefree.

I can understand the urge to flirt with the other guy to blow off steam. I’m not sure, but reading between the lines is sounds like this “waiting for you” thing was probably HIS idea. This dude is probably deluding himself about how much you really like him. If you really wanted to be with him, you would make it happen now, not later.

Say you and your current boyfriend break up. How do you think you will feel about this other guy? The fact that he waited for you all this time will give you a nice sense of security, but he’ll always be your second choice. If you rebound with him you probably still won’t be over boyfriend #1 and you’ll see the new guy as a poor replacement. This isn’t necessarily unfair of you- after all, boy #2 can make his own choices, and he put himself in this position as much as you did. But you probably won’t ever have very strong feelings for this guy; you’ll probably always feel like you’re settling for him.

Enjoy your time with your boyfriend without thinking about the future so much. Trust me, there will always be other guys down the road. If you get out there and have an independent, fulfilling life, you can’t help but meet someone just as special later on.

owemehguh's avatar

I have no idea if anyone has said this yet, but there’s a saying that I heard that I try to keep in mind. If you expect something to fail, you’ll probably find a way to make it happen.

marionef's avatar

“I feel so juvenile and immature” that pretty much sums it up. If you don’t see yourself with this guy in the future whats the point. Also when you are with one guy, teasing and flirting with someone else isn’t right

LethalCupcake's avatar

It’s absolutely unfair to both of these men….. You need to make up your mind on what your doing….

Serevaetse's avatar

You’re normal. It’s a phase you are going through. And it just simply means you
are.
not.
ready.
Not ready to be totally committed to one person.
Not ready to decide who you want to be with forever.
You’re young. You’re eighteen years old. You want to be wanted and you enjoy knowing that people like you. If the guy says he will ‘wait for you’ he obviously knows the story with you and the other guy. however, he should be able to date should the opportunity arise for him to.
If you guys were both more committed and you were flirting on the sidelines, then that would be a bit rude. But you’re a normal teenage girl.
Live your life. Just be careful and learn from your mistakes. I mean, seriously. I’m eighteen. I have gone through and still am going through my little phase of insecurity. You’ll figure it out with time. Embrace the years you have while you have them.

I hope that helps.

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