Need advice on how to go forward with my sister. Details inside (long).

I’ll try to be as brief as I can. My youngest sister was in a car accident when she was 19. It left her in coma for 9 months. She sustained a massive head injury that damaged her short term memory as well as a whole host of other things. Because of this her finances have always been under the Public Trustee.

Early in the Trusteeship my mother and a family friend were co-committees. There were lots of problems with this situation and eventually control passed back to the Public Trustee.

My mother passed away two years ago and now my head injured sister lives with me. About two months ago the Public Trustee of my province called me and asked me to take over as trustee. After some thought, a lot of thought, I decided to take on that responsibility but with my husband’s and my younger sister’s help. We will all be co-trustees. I knew this decision would upset and hurt my oldest sister but it had to happen this way.

My oldest sister and I have had an unusual relationship. She’s very impulsive, head strong, can be cruel, vindictive. Thankfully I’ve never been on the receiving end of one of vindictive streaks. Until now.

The reason I didn’t pick her to be a co-trustee is for the reasons I’ve stated above.

I called her in a timely manner and informed her of what had been asked of me and what I had decided. She went on a rant. Mostly about how she wants me to move because she (wrongly) perceives that my head injured sister is cramped living with us. She has been a broken record about this and it had gotten to a point where I just avoided talking with her because verbal requests to get her to stop trying to push this agenda have not worked. She just talks over me.

I got an e-mail from her yesterday basically repeating that we trample on my sister’s privacy, we need to move etc. She then went on to say that she’s spoken with both Province’s Public Trustee offices because she doesn’t want my younger sister on as co-trustee. She wants me to take on a friend of my head injured sister. In the e-mail she absolutely vilifies our younger sister really unfairly. Then she adds that she’s going to apply for trusteeship herself.

I read the e-mail in shock and dismay. I knew she could be vindictive but I didn’t think that she would go on a rampage over this. I don’t think that she would get anywhere with an application.

My problem is this: she has stomped all over me at various points in my life. I have tried to be supportive to her. This relational imbalance has effected how close I feel to her. From her perspective she believes she is close to me because I help when I can.

I have the choice to ignore her which would be my first impulse. Or I could let her know just how much she upsets me which would be hard for me.

I have anger issues. In situations where I should get angry I tend to, without thinking, squash the anger. I am working on it.

I think a lot of my problem with her is that I’ve never gotten appropriately angry with her for the things she’s done to me.

My good friend thinks I should let her have it. My husband thinks I should too. But I’m not sure. What she has spent the last three weeks doing is appalling, undermining and vindictive. All due to the fact that I didn’t pick her.

I am my head injured sister’s primary caregiver. She is not easy to live with. I, along with my family, help her to the very best of our abilities. My oldest sister wants control of this money to try to compel me to do what she wants. But she is not willing to take on the responsibility of my head injured sister.

Sorry for the length. I tried to condense as much as I could.

Should I go with my first impulse and ignore her or should I draft an appropriately angry e-mail?