Death of my horse still bothers me. Is this normal?

Before going to university, my horse was my best friend. I had many horses, but I had a very unique connection with this one in particular. We did a lot of training, riding every day, and showing together for a few years. I spent most every free moment with her.

Unfortunately I had to stop showing and riding when I went away, due to the fact that I went to a different country. She was 20, but as fit as a 15 year old – very energetic and highly conditioned. My parents ended up taking care of her while she was away. They aren’t really ‘horse’ people. Some how she ended up breaking her leg, and my parents didn’t tell me until I came home the following summer to find that my horse was gone. She was in care at a stable because they couldn’t give her the attention she needed with her injury. Needless to say, the condition of her other legs worsened and she had to be put to sleep. My parents didn’t tell me this either, and she passed without me even getting to say goodbye. They told me later that they didn’t want me to have a memory of her in which she was injured.

I feel guilt and regret almost every day that I left her. I feel even more guilty that I wasn’t there for her at the end. I know I didn’t really have any control over it, and couldn’t not go to college for a horse but even the fact that I could have prevented it if I took a different path upsets me. I think not being able to say goodbye is the part that bothers me most, and also because I should have had another good 10 years left with her because she was so healthy. I have had other horses pass away, but was always able to be with them.

Is it normal for an event like this which happened over three years ago to still constantly upset you? It isn’t an every day affair – but still seems to happen on a regular basis. I don’t really feel any anger towards my parents for ‘allowing’ something to happen to her, I know they feel terrible about it. I just wish I could get passed the feeling that I let her down in the worst way. I just miss those little moments when she would greet me, or visiting her in the middle of the night. Anyone with a horse understands these sort of moments! Does anyone have suggestions for how to be at peace with events like this that happen in life?