Intricate friend dilemma (details inside)

I’m going to try really hard to make a long story short here.

I am having a hard time figuring out exactly what to do in this situation. I have a large“ish” friend group. All the husbands are friends, the wives are friends and the kids are friends. Recently one mother within the group has made it quite clear to me that her kids are not allowed at my house. When I tried to find out exactly why she told me that it was because of something my son and daughter showed to her son on the Internet but she couldn’t remember what it was because it happened so long ago. It turned out that she had put the ban in place some 8 months ago.

I had a really long talk with her letting her know that she didn’t have to fear talking to me about things that come up with the kids. I told her that if her son was here, from now on, we would ban the kids from the Internet. She told me that she didn’t want me to that and that she was more comfortable just not having him here as she was also upset that I let the kids go outside without direct supervision.

The big problem here is our kids are good friends. She lives an hour and half away so it is impractical to try to arrange short play dates. The kids are 11, 12 and 13: not young kids.

She is uber protective and I can respect that to a degree. She hasn’t let her kids come here for my children’s birthday parties (they were devastated).

I really did try to make her feel comfortable. A lot of me is really upset that she made all of these decisions without talking to me to a: first get my children’s side of what exactly happened, now it’s been so long no one knows just what her son saw that made her so upset, b: that she doesn’t trust me that I would keep her son away from the things that she doesn’t want him exposed to and c: that she didn’t tell me in advance that she didn’t want him watching things on the Internet. Now I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t consider her a friend but I do/did.

I’ve been avoiding situations where we are all together and people are starting to notice. I’m getting a lot of pressure to suck it up and put a smile on my face and go. Really, if we weren’t all friends I would just cut her out my life as she has been clear that she will never bring any problems up with me. I guess I just have to guess that something’s wrong which is essentially what I did here.

We have two differing styles of problem solving: I get everything on the table and negotiate she runs away.

What would you do in this situation?