If someone else took the stand to announce another's misfortune (like Obama did on TV), who would it be and what would they say?

Pick a fictional or non-fictional person or character that may want someone else to face an unfortunate event (not necessarily death). Then have them give their speech as to what has happened.

Example:
Mario: “King Bowser has been banished from our world. I stomped on his head 5 times and he fled!”

Be creative and have fun!