If your partner /spouse cheated on you, would you want to know all the details of the infidelity?

There are two schools of thought…some therapists say that you should not “focus on the past” and just focus on creating a new future together. Other therapists say that it is important for the wronged spouse/partner to have their questions answered and that this will lead to a quicker more complete healing.

Through past experience, I have found that knowing the details of what/how/why it happened, helped me to feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I tried to simply “put the lid on it”, but the grief and betrayal was affecting my health. Finally, I just said, “I need to know…everything.” Even though our relationship did not continue in the long run, it was transformed by that truthful exchange and continued. Our parting (some time later) was more organic and mutual. We learned a new level of relating with each other (and still remain friends.)

My friend says she just didn’t want to know anything when her husband cheated on her six years ago. Apparently, he also got angry when she asked questions, so she shut down. Now, there are dozens of unanswered questions she still has (and they are really struggling.) Another friend’s wife cheated on him and he also didn’t want to know. The problem is that he barely speaks to his wife now and they are “staying for the children” and live in a bubble of non-speak, interaction and certainly not healing.

What do you think? Have you ever been in this sort of situation? How did you handle it?