What the heck was this experience? (NSFW)

It’s hard for me to write this down, and even thinking about it is exhausting. It’s long, but the TL/DR is at the very bottom.

Boyfriend and I have been dating for about five years (I’m 27; he’s 34) and things are pretty comfortable. We’re the sort of couple who call each other dude and fart around each other.

That’s why this night was so out of the blue. After work I joined the boyfriend and his roommate for a beer at his place. A little later we met up with some other friends and went to the local watering hole.

Boyfriend and I were having a lot of fun, and it became clear that we were on the same wavelength, and we wanted to bone each other when we got home.

Back at the house, roomie offered us both a bong hit. I accepted and boyfriend declined, and roomie said, “Heh, your girlfriend is going to be hanging out in my room tonight.” We all good-naturedly make fun of each other, so a comment like this isn’t a big deal, but that night he kept pinging my radar. After a few comments like that, it seemed like he was hitting on me.

I took a couple hits and roomie offered me an antacid, because weed gives me heartburn, and I accepted. The amount I drank this night was typical and I’ve combined weed and alcohol before and had lots of fun. Nothing that happened up to this point was really out of the ordinary.

Boyfriend and I headed to bed, feeling giddy and goofy. I was ready to shag him senseless when suddenly my stomach lurched and the room started to spin. I went to the bed and laid down, and he started caressing me and pulling me towards him.

I said, “Hey, boyfriend. Let me lie still for a minute, I’m feeling queasy.”

He said, “just relax, baby,” and kept it up. I told him to stop rocking the boat, because I would definitely throw up soon if he didn’t. He kept pushing/pulling me toward him and fondling me, and saying, “relax, baby.”

After about five minutes of this, I started to panic. It became clear that he would not stop, no matter what. He kept touching me and moving me around. By now I was crying and I kept saying, “stop touching me, leave me alone,” but that just made him more eager.

I felt sicker than I’d ever been in my life and just needed to lie still. So I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and lay on the floor. He got the door open and followed me in there. I was high out of my mind and really, really scared.

At this point he started shoving me and saying, “get up, get up.” He was getting angry and belligerent, and I was still crying that I just needed to lie still and be left alone or I was going to be sick.

Then… it happened, like a fucking volcano. It was all I could do to crawl into the shower and turn on the water. At this point I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and die, but he came in after me and started shoving me, yelling at me to stop crying, and roughly pulling my hair. Finally I cleaned up, made it to the bed, and blissfully passed out.

I’m flabbergasted that my cute, sweet boyfriend was capable of this. I think he came this close to raping me when we first went to bed.

I saw him earlier tonight and told him my perspective. He said he didn’t remember anything except being angry at me. He got angry again tonight and I started to hyperventilate, panicked, and left. Then I came home and, uh, wrote this thing.

Maybe he was valiantly trying to save me from choking in my own vomit, but instinct says that he was being angry and violent and crossed a major line. (Boyfriend aside… what if that antacid wasn’t an antacid? Everything else I did was par for the course. I hold my liquor like a champ and smoke weed all the time. How did I get so fucked up?)

TL,DR I got fucked up and had a violent, scary encounter with my boyfriend. It left me feeling confused. What now?