I'm afraid I won't be patient with my future children.

I grew up in a pretty abusive household with a lot of unnecessary physical punishment. Even worse was the verbal abuse I suffered with my parents calling me nasty names, laughing at me when I cried and seriously making me want to kill myself starting at age 9.

Luckily my life is much better now. My mother unfortunately died early this year but she and I were able to amend our problems in the years leading up to her untimely death which helped me a lot psychologically to know that she did actually love me. The scars from my father however, remain since he has stayed unrepentent about his history of abuse.

I’m now 24 and in a serious relationship with a good guy and think I would eventually consider marrying and starting a family with him. I love babies, especially newborns and infants but I’m afraid I won’t have the patience to be a mother. Neither of my parents were “kids people” and it definitely showed in how they raised us.

Right now I’m watching my boyfriend’s 6 and 20 month old nieces and they really are delightful. I love them both dearly and generally enjoy their company but sometimes when the older one starts screaming, being disobedient, and acting like well…a typical two year old I feel my blood start to boil and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. It’s even worse in public when I hear a baby crying or a child being unruly. I don’t just hate it, I freaking loathe it, especially when the child is a little older and I think they should “know” better. Sometimes I shoot dagger eyes at the parent then look down at my book. I know it’s selfish and hate to be one of those jerks but it’s how I feel in the moment. I’m starting to worry that I should never have children despite wanting to be a mother someday.

Now, I’ve never even raised my voice to the babies and have done a good job being kind and patient despite my feelings but I’m worried that I’ll feel the same way with my own children and react physically without even thinking about it in an impulsive moment. And I would never forgive myself if my own children felt the way I did and grew up to be traumatized.

I feel terrible to even admit this and would never ever want to hurt a child but I’m afraid that I may have some of my parent’s tendencies. Do you think I learned them or are they genetic? I really want to unlearn this tendency so I can be a better person and maybe even a decent mother someday.

Has anyone else from an abusive background struggled with the same feelings? What are some good coping mechanisms I can develop to deal with this and overcome it?