I messed up, then messed up again: is there any way to salvage my friendship?

I had a crazy relationship with someone last year. We dated, we broke up, we tried being friends-with-benefits… throughout all the craziness, we were still very good friends to each other.

Late last year, she was having something of a nervous breakdown. She was relying on me for support but I couldn’t handle the pressure of my own problems and hers, so I ended the friendship.

It took me a couple of months to realize how much I missed her and what a great friendship we once shared. I really, really care about this girl. I think I loved her. But knowing I had screwed up, I didn’t know how to reach out to her (it didn’t help that she changed her number). I placed a birthday card under her windshield wiper this past spring but didn’t sign it. I guess I expected she would figure out it was me and call. She never did.

After cleaning my room 6 weeks ago, I found something of hers. At the time she had let me borrow it, she insisted she wanted it back. I thought it could be an opening. I tried chatting/texting her, but she immediately blocked me. She didn’t respond to email either.

I kind of freaked because email was my last resort. So I emailed her again. And again. Each time different, spaced a few days apart. Apologizing. Remembering old times. Trying to mend the wounds I had caused. This lasted for about a month and a dozen emails. She never responded to a single one.

Last week, I saw her on the street. I tried to return her item to her but she didn’t want it. She asked me to leave. 30 minutes later, she called me. She resented all the emails. She pointed out that they were all selfish, all about me seeking forgiveness so I could feel better and wanting her as a friend, but not caring about her well-being and how these past few months have been for her. She couldn’t understand why I was suddenly back in her life 10 months later. I was panicked and couldn’t respond to her. She did let me know that it was too bad that I still cared about her because the feeling was not mutual. She did not want me in her life. She asked for the emails to stop and hung up.

One thing I managed to get in was that I was an imperfect human and made a mistake. That given the chance, I could prove myself as a friend to her. But she claimed she was never given that chance by anyone and would not give it to me. Life wouldn’t be fair if she did (her words).

So I’ve screwed up several ways of reaching out to this girl. I feel like if she knew the whole story, she might soften a little bit. She never knew that I was on antidepressants, and coming off of them at the time of her nervous breakdown. I was a little out of my head and I made a terrible mistake with her. Losing her has been pure torture. I was so ashamed of my action that I couldn’t bring myself to contact her earlier.

As a man of my word, I can’t email her anymore. I have no other way of contacting her. I know the building she lives in, but can’t remember the apartment number so I don’t know if a mailed letter will get to her. I wonder if it’s a mistake to write her a letter at all?

I screwed up badly, but there were some circumstances she didn’t know about. During our friendship, we both felt the connection we shared was one we had not experienced before. Surely there is some way to salvage this?

Or am I just so deep in this that I don’t see the big picture?