Can you help me deal with (most likely) putting my cat to sleep?

I can’t believe this moment has come in our relationship. I’m beside myself with sadness. As many of you on here know Barnabas has been my heart and soul for the past almost 5 years. He is the most ridiculous legendary cat I’ve ever met. So amazing. I adopted him when he was 8 (said the Humane Society…my vet now says that was probably wrong, he was probably at least 10 then). He’s battled a lot of issues throughout our time together and yes he has been a difficult cat to own sometimes but had finally been improving. Anyhow I recently found out he’s in the last stages of kidney failure and it’s progressing fast. In the past 2 weeks he has gone from fairly normal (the vet said he looked particularly happy that day) to weak, barely eating, dehydrated, needing for me to administer subcutaneous fluids just to make him feel a little better.

The hardest part is I know euthanasia is probably the best option. He is not doing terrible, I am holding him right now and though he’s not purring he seems content. But am I just telling myself this to make myself feel better? I assume that’s at least part of it. Anyhow, the vet says he is not going to get better and at the most probably has a week or two left. With kidney problems she also told me because they aren’t filtering anything out he probably is just feeling worse and worse, although at his last appointment (Wednesday) she said he didn’t seem to be in any physical pain. I had intended on letting him ride it out and die at home, but I don’t want to regret that.

Talking to some people who have been in my position, two things stuck: if you euthanize, you can be there with him for his last final moments – rather than him dying in his bed alone at home. I am scared I would feel guilty about euthanizing too soon or too late – but from what I’ve read almost everyone feels that way. The other thing that stuck in my mind is that at this point, things are only going down hill. He’s not feeling well so why prolong it at this point?

Does anyone have any kind words or experiences to share? I know everyone in the world with a pet will probably face this decision many times in their life, but for me personally this is the first. I can’t even bring myself to pick up the phone and call the vet to ask some questions about making an appointment to put him to sleep. Even typing those words sends tears down my face. I can’t imagine my life without him – though I know those are my own selfish reasons.

I’m so sad and scared and I really just don’t know what to do. Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

I took him for a car ride this morning (he loves riding in the car) and every time I petted him and he perked up I thought “maybe it’s not time yet”....or when he enjoyed chin rubs just now I questioned myself again. How do I stop doing this, is it normal, how do I get over it?!

My god.