How can I overcome my feelings of emptiness and ineptitude?

I have for some time experienced chronic feelings of emptiness and isolation due to a paralyzing inferiority complex I developed sometime during adolescence. I had for much of my early life resigned simply to being the quiet, sensitive child whom clung to the security of a very small, select group of friends.

I was always especially close to my mother as a little girl, but fearful of my military father, whom only ever appeared to criticize any flaw I had, disapprove of my mannerisms, and lose his temper at the slightest things.

He and my mother had a very dysfunctional marriage as I grew up and frequently got into arguments over the reason I wasn’t “normal” or “properly raised”, by contrast to other children my age. I subconsciously started to compare myself to more nimble, outgoing girls my age and began to feel insecure about my own appeal as a person.

Because of my timidity, I appeared relatively vulnerable by contrast to most other children and was more susceptible to being hurt by more intimidating forces who didn’t understand my shy nature.

Nonetheless, I always had at least one good friend to depend upon until reaching the 6th grade, during which I first noticed how “different” I truly was from the majority of my peers. A girl in my class very rudely pointed out how socially awkward I was and asked me why I was so quiet, claiming that every other student in the grade thought I was retarded.

Although I knew others had always seen me as sensitive or weak-willed when I was young, I’d never until that moment had my capabilities critiqued by another person.

I was ironically a rather intelligent girl enrolled in honors courses all throughout middle school, yet because of my inability to relate to and properly interact with people, others created a habit of terming me with labels such as “weird” or “psycho”.

I never bothered any of my peers and in fact became incredibly withdrawn from society due to my newly damaged sense of worth. I came to view myself as socially inept and unattractive and felt disgusting both to potential female friends or members of the opposite sex.

Rather than being able to act spontaneously as I once could, I treated others with polite self-restraint and spoke with meekness. I could barely volunteer myself to answer a question while in class and did anything to avert the disrespectful remarks or disapproving gestures of my peers.

After some time, I eventually came to have no true friends and became a loner whom lived reclusively among the mass. I developed terrible posture and avoided eye contact with others due to the permanent mark of shame that girl’s words had apparently left on me.

I no longer had the confidence or appropriate social skills to interact with and connect to another individual, yet was desperate to be acknowledged and accepted by any human being.

Nonetheless, my relationships did not last long due to people claiming I gave off an awkward vibe and feeling I simply did not fit with their particular group of friends.

I was constantly rejected by people due to my ungainly demeanor and avoided due to my inability to abandon my shyness, compose myself, and carry a decent conversation with people.

In recent times however, I have had unhealthy attachments to some people whom were either the wrong person for me to befriend or feel an attraction to (due to clashing personalities or lack of common ground) or simply not interested in pursuing anything with me.

Whenever a stranger did by some chance exhibit even the slightest form of interest in me however, I felt both excited and uneasy at approaching the situation. I tried not to scare them away by being my usually “weird”, inept self or by clinging on to them excessively, yet the opposite usually occurred.

I suppose the desperation to belong led me to gravitate to just about anyone and try to force a connection where none existed, which often created further disappointment and feelings of emptiness in me.

I tried to deceive myself into believing other people actually wanted to be my friend or more simply for the sake of feeling equal to every other girl for once in my life, but experienced no luck in these toxic relationships.

Afterward, I became even more withdrawn than I previously was and stopped talking to people altogether, due to fear of appearing awkward and pushing them away by making them feel uncomfortable again.

Currently, I am depressed and struggling to overcome my past mistakes, which have accumulated and haunted me overtime.

Although I know I am flawed as any other human being is, I never quite understood why people only ever chose to mistreat me and pick at my imperfections, rather than gradually trying to get to know me as a person. I want to stop the self-hate and to become a better version of myself, but I simply do not know how.