How annoying and rude do you have to be before you're considered toxic?

We are going to be visiting some friends we only see a few times a year over the holidays. Other friends of these people are coming as well. One of their friends has to be the most rude and annoying person I have ever met.

The very first year I met her, she told me her career. I was surprised because I had the same career. She told me that it was her first year working and she had just gotten her masters degree to get the endorsement. I told her that I didn’t have a masters degree yet, but I was thinking about starting on it. She asked me how I could possibly work without a masters degree. I told her that I found a school that offered a bachelors degree program. I had less jobs available and made less money, but I could still find work.She told me that it wasn’t possible to get a bachelors degree like that because there were no courses offered anywhere on the bachelors level in the universities. I started explaining about the school and the program, and she kept shooting me down and telling me that she’d like to see proof that the program even existed. I finally told her that I was finished trying to prove that I wasn’t lying about my degree. I told her that I found her openly challenging me like that was extremely uncomfortable. Instead of apologizing, she said that it was good that I stopped trying to prove anything to her, because she was never going to believe me.

The next year, my friends made a point to mention on the party invitation that parents were strongly encouraged to get a babysitter for the night. She wanted a more formal and quiet party with just the grown ups. On the day of the party, it was very elegant. I was also relived to see the nasty woman was nowhere to be seen. It turns out that she was running late. Soon she came in with her husband and her 18 month old son. A few guests asked her if the babysitter fell through and offered to call their sitter to see if they’d watch her son as well as their own kids. She refused and explained that she and her husband were deeply insulted that her son was not invited. She would not feel welcome at any home that didn’t welcome him. So the tables had to be rearranged to fit a high chair, conversations were interrupted because he was whining about the yucky grownup food. A few other guests started talking about their own kids, and how they wish everyone could see them, but of course they were at the babysitter’s because the invitation clearly stated no kids allowed. She would say that she was such a nurturing mother that she could never be separated so long from her son. The other parents were lucky they weren’t able to care as much as she did.

Third year: She didn’t show up because she was angry at our friends! Yay! Apparently, she kept coming over to the house for a visit and then would say she had errands to run and would my friend mind watching her son for just a little while? She’d come back in the evening. It happened so often that my friend started to say that she wasn’t going to do it unless she was paid. My friend couldn’t get any work done or even leave the house because she didn’t have a car seat for the kid. Apparently it was thoughtless and rude of my friend to say this and proved that she disliked the woman’s son.

Fouth year: I did my best to avoid her, but there was a buffet line instead of a sit down dinner. She ended up behind me in line. She was talking to some woman about how she was recently diagnosed with lupus. The other woman tried to offer encouragement and be supportive, but my buddy kept refusing to take it. She said that there was only pain and agony in her life. She probably would be dead in less than five years. Her husband was not being supportive and was probably going to leave her because he didn’t understand that you stayed married through sickness and in health. I know lupus isn’t minor, but seriously?

So this year I told my husband I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even go to the party because she wold be there. My husband refused to make up an excuse, but tried to be polite. He said that he thought it would be better to see them alone than at a party so that we’d have more time to be together and they wouldn’t have to host. Our friend somehow figured out what was going on and begged us to come. She said her friend wasn’t so bad. She just didn’t have good social skills. We should just ignore her and it wouldn’t be so bad. We are thinking it over right now.

I told my husband that the woman was toxic. He said that she probably had some sort of mental illness that impaired her social skills and we should try to be sympathetic but set firm boundaries. I want to kick her in the face instead. I’m pretty sure that she’s toxic. But it got me wondering how bad does it have to be before you write Simeon off?