To Elope or Not to Elope? (Asian Family Struggles)

(NOTE: If you want, you can review my most recently asked question as it somewhat ties into this as well).

I have been successfully moved out and having been doing well on my own. My parents have slightly mellowed out (in the sense that I’ve reduced the amount of times we’re in actual communication with each other) and also reduced the amount of times I visit them as visits always end in negative comments made.

Within the last 6 months, both my parents have retired. They recently had a huge fight with each other and I was caught in the middle (even though I live nearly 30+ miles away from them). I had gone to lunch with just my dad since my mom refused to be around him at the time. He had stated that he sees that I have not given up my SO and that there must be some “next steps” to be made such as an engagement party or a planning of a marriage of some sorts. He made some statements saying he wanted the rest of my family (E.G. cousins, aunts, uncles) to meet my SO and to possibly plan an engagement party.

While I’m slightly relieved he’s open to the relationship and the idea of a marriage towards my SO, my mother has the complete opposite recommendation. When I brought this up to my mom (who was still angry/pissed at my dad at the time), said that my SO has not met any of her “requirements” or “expectations” and that she does not support or believe in what my dad has said to me. She immediately turns the entire conversation on how much I’ve failed her or how much of a failure I am and that since my SO has not reached any of HER expectations…he has failed too.

So basically, to summarize in short: I have several options as previous Fluther members have stated:

1) I can take my dad’s offer and plan a family lunch/dinner so that the rest of my family can now meet my SO and hopefully start planning some type of wedding (Though, the word “wedding” was never mentioned)...if that would be even plausible as I’m not sure if this was what my dad was referring to or IF he was just referring to a simple “engagement” party…. with the repercussions of family relations between my parents will cause world war 4 as they more than likely will fight each other as they obviously don’t agree.

2) I can elope as I’ve wanted and proceed to let my family know, which in turn will cause not only immediate family to be disgusted, but certain cousins may be “disappointed” or “angry” by this maneuver.

Either way, I’m dealt with MULTIPLE family members being unhappy, displeased, and angry towards me. While the first option MAY reduce the AMOUNT of family members angry at me (as it may just be my mom who isn’t happy with that). It seems no matter what I do, someone is left in anger or disappointment.

I have struggled with the cultural battles all my life and never have they been more intensified than now. I have been raised in this American culture so while all my friends are able to easily say, “Screw your parents. They physically, verbally, and mentally abused you throughout your entire childhood, so fuck their happiness and their expectations.” There’s a lot of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem I continue to battle even at this age. It isn’t easy for me to just “walk away” and “not look back”, as even just the thought of doing so brings up a lot of the guilt and shame.

While I completely understand that this may look like a clear cut picture of, “You do what you got to do and deal with the consequences of those decisions”... What exactly is the right thing or the good thing to do? This is probably the biggest moral dilemma I will ever deal with as it TO ME it is a matter of, “Do I be selfish and do what I want KNOWING that it will cause extreme unhappiness in my family and whatever other wars that will bring?” That’s how I see this as.

I know for a fact that if I go the route my dad sees, I’m going to end up in the middle of a possible greater war between my parents as they ALWAYS loved to put me in the middle and if I wasn’t in the middle, I was the cause of their angry and misery.

I just want to point out that, in a parallel universe, I’d be able to sit BOTH my parents down and confront them with the abuse they put me through. They’d be able to see that they DID affect me and did GREATLY hurt me as a human being. They’d apologize for what they did and accept that they were wrong for what they did.

Instead…when I confront my mom about the multiple times she tried suffocating me with a pillow or chased me around the house with a knife… her excuse is, “Oh come you know I was never actually going to kill you. Plus, Grandma was in the house. She wouldn’t have let me even if I wanted to.” Or…the endless amount of times BOTH my parents have called me a “loser, worthless piece of shit, a terrible mistake, a burden” and when I had written on a 4×4 blank post card of all the things I feel inside confirming what they’ve called me… When my dad found it, his response? Nervous Chuckle “You know you’re not a loser” More nervous chuckle “we just want you to do better for yourself.”

What is it that I want? I honestly would just go to city hall, marry my SO, and be on our merry way. I hate weddings. I think they’re a waste of money. I’d rather spend that money on a nice trip somewhere. This would be what would (I guess, at the end of a long turmoil of whatever hell my parents/family bring to me)...the thing that makes me happy.

I need guidance, advice, tools to overcome this. ANYTHING. Please provide your thoughts and advice. It will be greatly appreciated.