Significant other doesn't realize that he's kind of condescending?

Okay, so this is something that I am admittedly a little sensitive about. When I was a child, I suffered from multiple speech impediments and excessive shyness. Because it was the early 90s and I lived in a conservative small town, I was assumed to be mentally disabled and tracked into special education classes.

Even at the age of 5–6, it was humiliating, and I felt singled out and defective. Why was I being forced to play with blocks with a child who drooled on themselves while my other peers got to learn about the stuff I wanted to? I struggled with negative assumptions about my intelligence all throughout childhood and adolescents. Teachers talking down to me, etc.

Fast forward to adulthood: I graduated college with Latin Honors. Worked as a fashion and commercial print model and now have a great 9–5 job. (Total “Ugly Duckling”/“Cinderella” story in many regards. I wasn’t expected to do any of this…)

My partner is a wonderful man and the love of my life. We are a great match in all regards. He often tells me that I’m intelligent and that he thinks I’m smarter than him. I don’t think that’s true—we’re about an even match intellectually.

However, he is a trial attorney almost a decade older. I think that because his career depends on arguing cases and being right, sometimes he can be a little pedantic and condescending without realizing it. It’s usually subtle, and I’m not sure if I’m making a big deal about nothing or if my irritation is legitimate. But when I perceive it, it’s like this reptilian part of my brain kicks in, and I feel so defensive and angry.

It’s not typical for us, but we’ve both been super stressed about our careers. Especially in the past week or so, he’s taken on this weird tone where he speaks to me like I’m some petulant adolescent girl and it drives me bonkers. When he asks me for the third time if I can handle doing some basic task or if I understand some simple political or legal concept, it drives me wild.

I can’t help but have a defensive response and snap back at him with something like “Do you really think I’m that fucking stupid?” or “Who do you think you are? Atticus-Goddamn-Finch?” which then kickstarts a 15-minute pissing match between us about who is being defensive and who is being condescending and yadda, yadda… Usually, this is responded with both of us apologizing and offering the other one food or booze or to watch a movie but I worry that we’re getting into a pattern of unhealthy communication.

Anyway, I’m not sure if there’s an appropriate way to address this behavior that I perceive. If I should brush it off or should I keep calling him out… We adore each other but I just have zero tolerance for being treated like a dimwitted child.