Still grieving after more than 35 years. How are these things dealt with?

When I was fifteen years old my girlfriend moved away to a place far enough away that it was a permanent separation.

In those days about the only communications were regular mail (writing) and the old-fashioned landline telephones. Long Distance phone calls were very expensive in those days (even for today) and I didn’t get a lot of money (I went without eating and saved my school lunch money for several months in order to buy a half-hour phone call).

She returned about one year later when her mother visited a relative, but we were never able to see each other due to schedules—which may have scarred me even more than the original separation.

My persistent phone calls that week probably finished off what was left, if anything, of our relationship—though I might have tried to keep the relationship alive until we could be reconciled if she had been willing. I wrote her occasionally and sent cards for four more years.

Twelve years after that, I was still grieving so intensely that I went for help at a counseling center—one counselor was somewhat helpful but a later one a little more judgemental so I didn’t continue. A third one I met in a random place told me that I had done all I could do and somehow that gave me some resolve.

Twenty-Five more years have passed since then, and 37 since the original separation, and I am now more than fifty years old and have a girlfriend right now who wants a real relationship. I DO love her and she knows it so all is well.

Except that I am still stunted and scarred from this thing in my distant past. Especially in dreams.

I suspect that I am especially prone to this when I am grieving or troubled or shaken by something else in my life that brings similar feelings. But I still awaken sometimes with those heart-wrenching feelings I had all those years ago, and they stay with me throughout the day.

Communications are better today and I might be able to contact her on Facebook, though several years ago she rejected by friend request— and I really don’t think knowing her today would resolve the hurt and trauma that was left unresolved back then. Though maybe I’m wrong. It is also possible if I did dialogue with her that I’d go absolutely crazy—seriously.

This might be described as some form of what used to be called Melancholia—a term used to describe a number of mental conditions and even physical illnesses. Or it may be I am experiencing some sort of midlife crises—which might be more serious than the words imply. I seem to be entering into one of those phases now that seem unbearable that happen to me from time to time.

One counselor diagnosed this as post-traumatic stress—even though its not battle-fatigue or from an act of violence. Heck, I WAS a victim of violent crime, and the memories are NOTHING compared to the loss I experienced in my mid-teens.