How do you deal with insufferable in laws?

Asked by Harlequin (76) October 26th, 2017 from iPhone

My inlaws are crazy. I moved to my husband’s home town with him after graduating and before we were engaged. My SIL was evil and talked behind my back the moment I arrived. Her husband told our MIL that she was jealous. None of this family aside from my husband has ever lived away from their hometown or gone to get a real education. They all voted for Trump.

SIL was not someone I wanted to spend time with so I stopped associating with her. MIL went on a three hour rant and told me how terrible I am and blamed me for SIL treating me badly and expected that I just make peace for her benefit. MIL proceeded to use my parents’ divorce against me: my dad was just a sperm dad, people from divorces just have a sadness because they’re broken, I should just get on a plane and fly back to where I came from, because of my parents’ divorce I love to destroy families because it’s all I know, etc. Never a negative comment about SIL or brother in law who is the younger, dim brother who dropped out of college and works for the family business.

Anyway, I began not attending events like my SIL’s bridal shower. MIL hit the fan and has hated me ever since, despite my SIL not coming to the morning getting ready party at my wedding. Apparently because I didn’t attend the shower two years ago, that justifies anything SIL decides to do.

My cousin in law and I were close. She doesn’t work or have a life and we drifted apart. She use to call me her best friend but when I began my career I wasn’t available as much and lost the energy to deal with the family drama and her pregnancy issues. She’s now best buddies with SIL and I’m sure it began because she wanted to get at me.

Despite all this, the family won’t let me quietly drift away. I’m invited to EVERYTHING. This is a family (mind you who all stab each other in the back and don’t like each other) who has a party for anything “for grandma.” If I don’t go to events I become more and more blacklisted.

I did not respond to SIL’s baby shower invite and now there’s another for cousin in law. She asked me if I got her invitation and when I told her yes she automatically just assumed I was coming and said “I’m so glad you’re coming!!” I resent that and can’t stand that the family just assumes I’m going to whatever they invite me to.

Long story short I want to be left alone. My husband is not close with them and doesn’t care about the tension. It doesn’t bother him. It deeply bothers me and upsets me that I haven’t been able to foster a nice family dynamic. I DO NOT want to be invited to anymore events. I feel like getting in my car and driving away to anywhere.

If I weren’t married or didn’t love my husband I would be right back on the plane to where I came from. But I love him and that isn’t an option.

The largest issue is that if I incinerate the familial relations, there is a risk of my husband being excommunicated from a large inheritance. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining that for him and our future children.

I feel trapped. I go to therapy. I take medication. Nothing has helped me get over this crappy situation. The things my MIL said to me, things I subconsciously feared people thought about me and the divorce, were basically confirmed and something inside me fractured that day. It’s been three years and it feels like a window was shattered out of my soul.

I don’t want anything to do with them but for my husband’s sake I feel obligated. I’m terrible at being phony at these sickening family events. Every time I get another invite it brings back this avalanche of bitter feelings.

I do not want to go to this baby shower. My cousin in law has NEVER called me up just to say hi. Never a how are you, how’s your job? That goes for all of them. It’s a selfish and one sided dynamic. Why do I keep being invited? They rarely do events where the men are involved. It’s always all the catty women in one room with babies and wine.

What can I do? What have you done in similar situations? I’m losing my mind.