Is this the reality of living with bipolar?

Anyone who has bipolar knows it can be such an emotional nightmare. But it also has it’s perks. There are moments of such clarity, creativity, and drive.

Most people eventually realize the highs just aren’t worth the lows though. The anger outbursts, the bouts of depression, the sleepless nights…those grow old really quickly. So to meds we turn. I’ve been on meds for years and as much as I hate to admit it, I do think I’m a more stable person than when I’m off of them. I do still have spells of depression and hypomania but much less severe than before the meds.

The issue? The mood stabilizer I’m on (Topamax) makes me a different person altogether. Sometimes I completely lose my ability to form complete sentences or thoughts. I’ll forget very simple words it’s embarrassing to try holding a conversation. I don’t have much motivation on it either and my creativity level is very flat. I used to write all the time and do a lot of crafting. Now the only time that happens is when I’m having a hypomanic episode.

I also take an antidepressant which helps to keep me more alert during the day because the Topamax makes me a little drowsy. It doesn’t help with the fog though. My psychiatrist suggested Adderall once to help clarify my thoughts and I shot that idea down.

So I had this bright idea to try and titrate down from the Topamax. My doctor told me it wasn’t a great idea but couldn’t stop me. She told me how to properly do it. I’m down to half my regular dose now and my thoughts are much clearer. My words form easily and I’m feeling motivated daily. The downside? Anger, depression mixed with hypomania. I never know what I’m going to get from one day to the next. Is this my reality? Either I dumb myself down with meds for the rest of my life or I get off of them and become a smarter but very unpredictable person? If this is the choice I’m faced with, I feel so defeated.