Have you ever been in a bind between two people you owe your life to?

I was in the middle of my first mixed state (bouncing between mania and depression on a day to day basis). During that time, I had a three-day sexual interlude with someone I met online. Later, I confessed this to my wife, and this started me getting medical and psychiatric help in addition to couples counseling. These things have helped bring me back to normality (or, at least, to being something like I was before I got sick), and helped save my marriage.

However, the person I cheated with became a friend. In fact, I felt like when I was at the bottom-most point, she saved my life. She, too, was at a similar point (extremely depressed), and we helped each other to live by making each other laugh by talking about how we would commit suicide. A phoenix metaphor would be good here. Out of death, life arises.

My wife knew about my contact with the other woman, and she tolerated it because she saw the woman as kind of like medicine for me. However, my wife, too, was medicine that helped me overcome my illness. My wife also saved my life. She was there to make me go to the shrink, and to make sure I took my meds, and so much more.

Now that I’m better, my wife has asked me to stop communicating with the woman who became my friend. I understand why she wants this, and I have agreed. My wife is more important to me than anyone else.

I feel like a shit. For both my infidelity, and now for cutting off a friendship with someone who feels like my only friend. It is true that I don’t need her any more, and I don’t think she needs me, either. Friendship, however, it seems to me, is about more than needing someone or supporting someone. It is not something to be disposed of lightly.

I’m doing what I have to do, but it feels like no matter what I do, I’m wrong. Of course that is painful. It’s a weird kind of pain, though. Something that seems like the right thing to do, but makes me feel worse. Maybe like one of those horrible choice questions we saw recently—would you kill someone if that was the only way to save three other people? Would I “kill” my friend to “save” my wife and two children? Yes.

I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not asking for advice. I’m not asking to be judged. I’m just sharing my story, if anyone is interested. And if you, too, have been in a situation where, no matter what you did, you hurt someone (it doesn’t have to be a matter of life or death), I hope you’ll share it, and maybe talk about why you made the choice you made.

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