How can I rebuild my life?

I’m 29 years old, highly educated, reasonably well off, but completely broken inside. I’ve struggled with severe depression for 6 years off and on, and it took away a job at a big famous internet company, took away prospective romantic relationsihps and social activities. I quit my job (bad idea) 1.5 years ago under the mistaken assumption that a) it would help my mood b) it would force me to pursue something I “loved” (like starting a company) instead of working the grind in a job i didn’t like.

Things have simply and completely unraveled since then. Lost a valuable relationship that plunged me into year long despair and obsessiveness. Underwent electroconvulsive therapy (22 times) to treat a suicidally bad episode of depression in the spring. Moved home with my parents for six months because of an apartment fire. Just recently moved back up to SF but am not in my familiar environs, am completely alone, and the few friends I do still have are busy working and socializing with them is more of a “let’s do lunch” once a month thing.

I am in despair. And still sick. The depression is a causitive factor in my situation, and my situation is a causitive factor for the depression—it’s a vicious circle.

My therapists and doctors are well-meaning but nothing has changed. I feel like i’ve (or the depression) wasted my potential, squandered opportunities left and right, and am all washed up at 29. Something is drawing me just to get a blue-collar job at Whole Foods or something, but my precious over-educated ego is so fragile anyway, I can’t imagine how I’d feel doing something that is so below what I consider to be my “potential”.

Perhaps this is just a complaining rant, but I am lost, wake up in distress every day, barely want to get out of bed, sometimes don’t speak a single word to another human the whole day, and obsess about past regrets and failures until they incapacitate me.

I want a real life. I want to care. I want responsibilities that I value and don’t blow off. I want people. Note that I’m not asking for money, success, or beautiful girl. Those dreams have ended for me – reality has hit me like a ton of bricks (thank you zyprexa, lithium, wellbutrin)—I used to think I was only somebody if I was special, if I hit it big, but now I just want to survive, without this constant blackness and despair. The hopelessness and pessimism is so real to me because all evidence of the past few years points to these negative thoughts being an accurate assesment of my reality.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve had enough of therapy, had enough of the drugs and medical treatments, and though I believe God hears my prayers, things are still the same for me. My heart is broken, my spirit and will are weak, my eyes green with envy for what others have, my loathing so inward for myself, having gotten to this spot, when there are so many others who are in worse shape.

I’m not sure why I decided to post this on fluther. Maybe i’m lonely, in need of attention, i’m not sure. But if you have anything insightful or helpful to say, know that I will read it and appreciate you taking the time to write it.