Getting over her; Do I have any options other than therapy?

This is a question about a past relationships, emotional duress, and psychoanalytic therapy. It’s about unrequited love and how to get over it. It’s about really needing Fluther.

I don’t really like getting personal on Fluther. If there’s an important question and I’ve been there and I have something to really contribute, I’ll add a heartfelt answer… But generally I try to stay away from it. The internet can be such a vapid vehicle for emotional expression… But I think it’s time to ask you guys.

About this time last year I got into a dreadful relationship with a girl I’d been very close to. After I asked her out it took a long month of discussion and angst before we decided to give it a try, and we both knew it was going to get complicated. The first two months were great, and we were both happier than we’d ever been, and thought that we were falling in love. Well, I fell, she didn’t. It went on for about 7 months in total (meaning that the last five were hellish) and finally ended one night when I realized she had been wanting to break up with me for months but couldn’t.

There’s a lot more that went into it that I’ll skip over, but the point is it really screwed with my head. I went through the five stages of grief over the next 2 months, except that acceptance never really came. I got into a new relationship with a girl (which had it’s own complications but was mostly pretty fun) and that ended on Monday. One of the reasons (not the only one, I’m not a dick) was that she felt that I was still hung up on my ex. Well, I am.

I can’t go an hour without thinking about her. She’s usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. Every song, every movie, every experience in my life reminds me of her, and I spend all my time trying to distract myself with friends, hobbies, and work. I’m not in love with her anymore, I’ve given up on that, and I have no desire to get back together with her. But she’s still on my mind all the time.

My friends are sick of hearing about it. A few of them stood by me throughout, and I really appreciate that, but after it was over and done with in June they were just kind of done listening to it. I mean, they’re still there for me, but I can tell they just wish I’d get over it. I wish so too. I don’t want to dwell any longer, I really can’t take it. The good days are bearable, but the bad ones lead me to substance abuse and self destructive behavior. I can’t really help it. If it comes down to mean, alone, unable to get it off my mind, I have to alleviate the pressure. I’ve been trying to do that with positive things (work, exercise, sleep) but it still catches up to me. My new ex-girlfriend and I still have hope of getting back together… but if I can’t get over my ex it’s not fair to her.

I’m young, I know that. It’s only been six months since it ended and sometimes these things go on for years, I’m well aware. The broken heart didn’t kill me and the recovery isn’t going to either. I know that rationally I should talk to the girl, sort things out and get my head right, but it would be just too heavy on me… We’ve talked once (over texting) since we broke up, and I want to keep it that way.

One piece of advice I got was to write it all out. If I can get it all down and out of my head, that may help with the pain. I started to write it, and I got up to the first complicated portion and just couldn’t continue. I don’t think writing is going to help… it may, I may give it another shot, but I feel like it would just be dwelling even more.

I’ve been thinking about therapy.

I’m an atheist, anti-authoritarian, sarcastic over-thinker. Until this relationship I valued my rationality over all else, and thought it was my best quality. If you’d told me two years ago that I’d need therapy, I’d have laughed in your face. I’ve just never been open to the idea, I’ve never wanted to admit that my mind is so far off the norm that I’d need professional help. I don’t really know if I can lose my self image of sanity and rationality and feel like I’m the same person… It’s always been such a big part of who I am, and with low enough self esteem already… I want to just say that I’m young and smart and surrounded by people that care about me and that time heals all wounds and I’ll be OK if I just stick it out…

But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t dwell on it any longer, it’s changing who I am as a person. I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost sex drive, humor, happiness…

What can I do? Do I have any options besides therapy? And if not, how do I convince myself that therapy is the right thing to do, that it’s okay? How do I know I won’t lose who I’ve always been… What if I’ve already lost it…