Who do you exchange gifts with?

A previous question has me wondering about gift-giving practices between adult friends. I normally don’t give adult friends gifts for their birthdays; there is a select group that I do. I rarely get gifts back, and certainly don’t expect gifts from my friends.

I am friends with a couple who throw each other birthday dinners at their home each year. I have attended for the last 30 years, and every year, I bring them a gift to commemorate the occasion- more than a bottle of wine (piece of handmade pottery, a piece of their holiday china pattern, an antique item or two that they mentioned wanting) but they have never once given me a gift in return. My birthday is exactly a week after their youngest child’s, and they’re remarked upon that numerous times. My inclination is to chalk it up to the fact that I give because I’m invited to the birthday dinner, whereas, except for the 50th party I threw myself, I haven’t had a birthday celebration since I turned 16. Is it odd that after 30 years of giving them gifts, they don’t even call to say happy birthday?

I’m part of a small work group, and we usually pitch in $10 – $20 and give each other a group gift and then treat the birthday person to lunch. The gifts are not always equitable. One person also gives a small gift in addition to the group gift. Should I feel required to give her a personal gift as well as pitching in on the group gift?

What are your personal parameters around who you do/don’t give gifts to? Are you consistent in your gift-giving from year to year, both in terms of remembering birthdays, and the type/quality of the gift you give? Do you give people gifts based upon what you want to give them, or what you think they would want to receive, or do you just give “something” a gesture of rememberance?