Personal dilemma about ongoing MIL drama LONG?

This problem started when my husband and I first started dating. His mother has general problems with anyone who marries into the family and she really doesn’t like me at all. She made that very clear from the get-go. She’s elitist and referred to my family as trailer trash. For shame, my dad is a cabinet worker and my mom was a SAHM until we were older and then she got into insurance.

She made it abundantly clear that she disapproved of me in how she talked to me, rolled her eyes and sighed.

I naively thought that she would change her mind once she got to know me, and besides, I really liked her son.

We didn’t spend much time with her as we dated and became closer and closer and eventually fell in love. When we became engaged she was mad. As we planned the wedding she made some pretty ludicrous statements like, “If you invite your father I won’t come” to which we replied, “We’re going to miss you.”

She came to my bridal shower and sat at end of my mother’s sofa with a sour look on her face. She really didn’t endear herself to my family at all.

When we became pregnant for the first time her reaction was, “I don’t want to be a grandmother!” We didn’t talk to her for a while. I ended up losing that baby and in the days when we didn’t know whether the pregnancy would go on she called my husband yelling into the phone, “When is she going to make up her mind whether or not she’s pregnant.” I dove across the sofa and ripped the phone out of his hand and hung up on her. The first time in my life I’ve ever hung up on anyone.

Life continued much like this. We tried to avoid her as much as possible, but that is impossible in many family situations. She was very upset with every child we did end up having (3) although she did warm up to them once they were here.

Things never did get any better. She was free and loose with the kids about how much she disliked me to the point where they would come to me and ask me why she hated me so much.

At one point, after I had a breakdown, she convinced my husband to leave me but in a really strange way. My husband came to me and told me what the new plan was, thinking it was good idea. I was horrified and told him so. He gave his head a shake and went back to his mom and told her that he was going to stay with me and the kids. The very next time she saw me she yelled across the parking lot that I was “controlling, manipulative and vindictive”.

We moved to another province to get away from her.

The problem comes because my husband’s grandfather accrued a lot of money and some property during his life. The money he split up after his death. The property had been in his daughter’s name for 50 years prior to his death for tax purposes. She caused a lot of problems with that property in that 50 years. It was so bad that he severely regretted the irrevocable decisions he had made in regards to the property. The property is worth in excess of one million dollars.

He died three years ago and since then she has wielded the property like a weapon. If you don’t do “A, B, or C” I’ll sell it. All the boys (my husband and his brothers) are very attached to the property. She got so bad that we cut off all communication with her three years ago, and that has been the happiest time of our marriage (16 years).

My husband has been worried that she is going to cut him out of the will. My opinion is that she should take that property and sell it and spend the money on herself. I don’t like being manipulated. He has recently made the decision to open up communication with her. Which will eventually result in us heading down to that property where I’ll have to be around her 24/7. I can’t handle more than 2 hours with her, she is that mean.
I have, in the past, refused to go with him and he has put a lot of pressure on me to go “for appearance sake and to support him”. This goes beyond just a difference in opinions and right into emotional abuse when it comes to how she treats me. Just the thought of going puts me into anxiety attacks.

I have a good friend who believes that I should hold firm and not subject myself to her tirades. I know that that is the right thing to do for me but I think I do have a duty to stand by my family and especially my kids. I am very torn about this. My husband knows my feelings and thinks that I should buck up.

Should I stand my ground and refuse to go on family “vacations” to this property, or, should I stand by my husband and kids and show her that we are a united front?

My husband, his brothers and most of the family knows how badly she treats me. My husband has gone to great lengths to try and get his mother under control. We even went to extremes like leaving dinners and such when she would start to go into me. He has told her to back off, but she doesn’t listen. She just believes that I control him and control what he says.

Sorry for the length of this, I though a little back story was necessary. And this is a very little of what has happened in the last 16 years.