Why do people say that it's good to talk about your feelings?

It only feels good to vent to someone you actually trust more than anyone. That is usually one person like a spouse or mother or father.

I think that claiming that talking about your feelings “never solves anything” is as inaccurate as saying that we should “always talk about our feelings.” There are definitely times when we shouldn’t.

Saying what’s on your mind can be a bad call. But, it also needn’t serve the purpose of “solving” something to be helpful. More often than not, it’s letting the bad stuff air itself so you’re not letting it build up.

Also, if you don’t talk about what you’re feeling, you could be carrying around some bad assumptions. If you think someone is nasty to you because they told you they hate the smell of your cologne, they could be. If you tell them how that made you feel, you could confirm that yeah, they’re just nasty. However, you might also learned that it’s the same thing their evil ex boyfriend wore, and they just broke up, and so she’s been prickly and apologizes for being blunt.

It’s not a matter of should but a matter of what might be the best way to fully experience your feelings. The theory is that sharing your feelings helps to put them in a better perspective.

“It never solves anything. There is no point other than actually saying it, which could actually make you feel worse!”

It alsmost sounds as if you don’t want to actually feel your feelings. That you think that if you don’t talk about them, they will go away.

That is not true. Talking about intense feelings helps you experience the feelings in your body. Experiencing feelings is the only way to move past them.

I picture you like a bottle with a cork in it.

If you have difficulty talking about your feelings to others, you could try writing them out. Either of those things will help to clarify your feelings.

Also, it is not about talking about your feelings endlessly. One psychologist I know suggested telling your feelings about something three times, and then letting them go.

There are few reasons. Sometimes venting helps people feel better, especially if the person they are telling is understanding. Also, people cannot read your mind. If you are angry or upset about an event, communicating how you feel about it can help the people around you not hurt you again unknowingly. It gives the other person the opportunity to explain where they were coming from, to apologize if necessary, to clear the air. If they can explain what they were thinking when they upset you, and they did not mean to upset you, as you learn their thoughts you will feel better. Talking can help you see they were not trying to be malicious hopefully (unless they are truly horrible people). Lastly, when you talk about your feelings with someone you trust, and allow them to tell you how they might think differently about it, less affected, it can give you tools to cope better.

In difficult situations people are often going in circles because they just argue on the rational level. An unfortunate professional culture that needs to be changed.

loll… yeah, I’m with you. No one wants to hear my problems….besides, i really don’t want to hear their’s! Just keep on trucking…. it so shall pass!

@BoBo1946 as long as the OP is trucking along and not holding on to anger and sadness and screwing up relationships. It depends on the thing. On the circumstance.

@JLeslie :)))- my friend.

My family always tells me to “say what’s on my mind” and “how do I feel about that” but I never tell them. Why should I?
You are absolutely right, why should you? Just because that’s what people say (that it’s good to talk about your feelings) does not make it the gospel for everyone. If you are comfortable with dealing with your own feelings from within, than by all means keep them to yourself.

Are you a quiet and keep to yourself person around your family? Because if you are, asking questions of you may be their way of saying they are there for you if you need to talk.

@Aesthetic_Mess I think if they can tell you are bottling up your feelings, you probably are not just sailing through life. It feels more to me that you don’t want to share your feelings because you are either afraid of judgement, or that your family might be angry or dissapproving. Is that the case? @AmWiser made a great point that it might be your family’s way of letting you know they are there if you want to talk.

Holding onto to feelings leads to repression and resentment.

They will squeeze out in one way or another, often passively aggressively.

It is very important to be self aware and speak up in the moment, if something is bothering you.

Sharing your feelings also is a good barometer of the level of relationships you keep.

Those who truly value you will want to hear you out and work with you, those who don’t, best to find that out as quickly as possible so you do not waste your time and attentions on false pretense.

Repressing anger, especially is very unhealthy and many physical complaints such as back pain are associated with repressed anger.

Most importantly in repressing and/or denying your feelings you are completely cut off from important parts of yourself that keep you stuck at a lower level of development.

Expressing feelings is not about sloppy emotionality, it is about clarity and self respect.

Sharing your feelings calmly as they arise is the far better choice than repressing them til you explode and part of a healthy and well rounded psyche.

Unloading, for me, makes me feel better.

After what @Coloma wrote I have another comment. There is a lot of theory around avoidance causing anxiety. Avoiding a topic difficult to discuss, a person who upsets or angers you, a situation that is scary to you can make things worse, creating panic and depression.

Well it does not do any good if you talk to someone about your feelings and that person does not even listen to what you are saying or completely bushes you off.
Its good if you talk about your feelings with someone who is a good listener and does try to help you through the hard times..

Feeling your emotions is different from talking about them. You can go out in the woods and scream, or chop wood, or run yourself exhausted, or play music. There are any number of ways to feel your emotions. The problem, of course, is repressing them so much that you don’t even feel them or acknowledge them, even to yourself. Holding them in, is not the same as repressing them. You may want to hide that you are feeling anything, but you can still feel it inside.

Expressing your emotions to another person is a strategic decision. You might find it useful to express your feelings to someone so they can understand what you want. You might just want to vent, and go to a friend or a therapist to express yourself.

In the end, it boils down to communications. If you are facing a problem with someone, it may be useful to share your feelings with them. It’s probably more effective if you describe the emotions (“I was really angry”) rather than acting them out (screaming at them). But who knows. That depends on the communication style of the person you are talking to. If expressing your emotions gets you nowhere, or even makes you feel worse, then I don’t see the point in expressing them.

In your family, it sounds like you don’t think anything will change if you express your emotions, and that’s probably true, if all you do is express them. However, if it is a negotiation, and you use your expression of your emotions as a tactic to get what you want, that’s another story altogether.

You feel powerless in your family. You don’t think you matter or they really care, because they don’t change when you talk to them. Perhaps this is true. But perhaps you need to think about this differently. What do you want? Have you ever expressed this clearly? Have you expressed it multiple times?

You don’t have to be powerless. If you learn to express yourself in terms of your goals and what you want and what you are prepared to do to get what you want and what stands in your way (the things that anger you or make you feel unappreciated or uncared for), then maybe you will have much more success. Right now you withhold your emotions in a passive-aggressive attempt to take on all the pain and to feel like no one cares. You might as well be depressed and die. That’ll show them.

You could take a more constructive approach, although that might expose the truth—that it is as you feel. They don’t care. Well, burn that bridge when you get to it. Right now, figure out what you want and express your feelings to help you get what you want.