My wife lost her first fiance to suicide. He was schizophrenic. He threw himself off the roof of the psychiatric hospital. She came close to losing her husband in a similar way. I’m bipolar and I was considering jumping out my 8th floor window.
She lost her fiance long before she met me, twelve years after that. She’d had a few boyfriends in between, but they didn’t work out. She’s never really talked to me about how she coped. I don’t think she feels much guilt. He was very sick, and it was his illness that killed him. Even being in a hospital couldn’t prevent his death.
It’s not your fault. Even if there was something you could have done, it’s not your fault. He is the one responsible, and it was his choice. He could have reached out for help, and he didn’t. Maybe he couldn’t. It was whatever was wrong in his brain that killed him. It takes a lot of intervention to keep someone who is depressed from killing themselves. If their condition is not diagnosed or ignored, there may be little that can be done.
I think understanding that it is not your fault can help you cope. As to why—it’s because he was in so much pain, he believed that only death would give him release from the pain. No one wants to commit suicide. They want the pain to stop. Often, when you’re that depressed, it seems like the pain will never end without being dead. That’s the way it is for everyone I know who has contemplated or attempted suicide. If you have more questions about that, I would be happy to try to help you understand. Or believe.
Coping is another story. Like others have said, only time will help. It’s worst now, and your own pain probably seems endless and impossible to cope with. It would help to see a doctor or a psychiatrist or a therapist (the first two for meds and the latter for talk). In fact, I would say you must see a therapist. You have to have someone to talk to about this who understands what is going on inside you.
There are also support groups for folks who have lost someone to suicide. These will be probably more helpful than anything else you can do. They truly understand, and they will share their experiences in person—very different from doing it here. Fluther is good, but support groups dedicated to the topic are so much better. If you can’t find a local support group, there are surely online support groups.
The rest is grief. Here, I advise you to let yourself feel it. Talk about him. Remember him. Do it as often as you can, with anyone who will listen. Explain to them that this is your process for getting to a point where you can cope with your grief. You don’t know how long it will take. You are not, however, using it as an excuse for anything. You just want help—someone to listen to your stories. You don’t need people telling you to get over it. If that’s what they will do, then you don’t want to be around them.
If you tell people what you want and how they can help, and the rules for your behavior, I think they will be able to support you better. Grieving is not something anyone teaches us in this society, but it is something that we know a lot about. You can read any number of books about the grieving process. I would encourage you to do so.
I’m sorry you have to go through this pain. I can assure you that eventually, it will grow to be a pale shadow of what it currently is. You just have to take it one day at a time. Just tell yourself that, for today… just for today… I can make it through. The next day, it’s the same thing. All you have to do is grieve for one day. At a time. It works. It really helps not to see this as a never-ending burden. It ends every time you fall asleep. Eventually, it will not start up the next day. Or if it does start up, it will be easily coped with.
The best of luck to you!
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