How to cope with a boyfriend with borderline personality disorder?

Ummm. I’m not sure how you know he has borderline personality disorder (is this something he told you?), but what you describe certainly fits some of the characteristics. This disorder is one of the toughest to deal with, both as a friend/girlfriend and medically. Don’t think you can change him, because thats impossible. I’ve never been in that situation (I mean as a boyfriend of someone with this problem), but I doubt I would be able to put up with it for too long.

This sounds like regular hetro guy behavior to me.

yeah, if he really had borderline personality disorder the only advice I could give is to get out of the relationship. What you are describing is a guy who’s got very little willpower to follow through on the comitments he makes to himself. That’s fairly typical of many males so I don’t think you’re dealing with a severe mental illness.

As far as how to cope, I would just be as direct as possible. Tell him that his indecisiveness is annoying and is pissing you off. If you are still having issues, just do what all women do when they are trying to get their man to do something he doesn’t want to do… Withold sex until he does what you want.

are you sure he has BDP? He sounds kind of bipolar to me. Was this a diagnosis from a trained professional? Maybe he needs medication. Is he seeing someone trained in disorders? There are support groups online. Search around and you might find one close to you. Be honest with how your feeling and don’t be afraid to get help for yourself. Hang in there!

He told me that he has and is medicated for a mental disorder, but wouldn’t tell me what it was. I don’t believe he is bipolar because he knows I have bipolar friends and have no problem with them so I figure it must be something more serious. I noticed a book he was reading called girl interrupted about a girl with borderline personality disorder and looked it up and he seems to match it in some ways.

First, not everyone treated for bipolar disorder responds well, and there are a variety of medicines that can be tried. Conversely, some psychiatrists will use medications to try to control some of the features of BPD. That said, just because he was reading a book about borderline personality disorder doesn’t mean he has it.

So, let me ask you a few questions to try to tease this out further. Is he impulsive? Does he show mood instability? Does he demonstrate self-destructive behavior, like self-mutilation (i.e. cutting) or suicidal gestures/attempts? Does he have a markedly and persistently unstable self-image? Finally, does he have a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships (i.e. moving from one friend/girlfriend very quickly)? Many of these are features of BPD, but only a trained psychologist or psychiatrist can make a definitive diagnosis.

If he does not trust you enough to tell you the mental condition under which he is being treated and you trust him enough to be sexually intimate then you are being used. I would RUN- not walk away.

In an intimate relationship his diagnosis is your business.

yes to pretty much all of those shilolo. He builds a lot of fires in the woods and sometimes he wont think the location or size of it through I’m amazed he hasn’t been arrested for arson yet quite honestly. I mean fires are fun to have but when I’m there i try to insist on using an existing fire pit or making a little one to use. (I gave another example of his impulsiveness below directed to olddog.) He can be really lovey at the beginning of the day and by the end just be really pissed off and want to go home real bad. He has cut himself though it’s not a common thing and he uses some drugs, but not so much anymore because he got caught and now has to take drug tests. He is really insecure and cares a lot about what other people think of him. Sometimes he goes so far as to put other people down (not me mostly strangers comments like omg shes fat and things like that) i think it’s to build himself up by putting them down. I’m not sure if he really moves from people quickly. We were a little rocky at the start he wanted to leave I guess before he got to connected to me or something but we talked through it and have been together for 5 months now.

olddog – He has trusted me with a lot. He robbed a high school with two other guys and trusted me enough to tell me before he was caught or anyone else knew he was involved. I talked him into turning himself in because the other kids involved had been talking about it and they were on their way to being caught for sure and turning himself in pretty much saved him from going to jail.

I would not try to go all DSM diagnosing him. If you don’t get out of this relationship, please make sure you have a trusted professional available for when things get out of hand.

why would things get out of hand? what do you mean? and I dont really want to get out of it if I can learn to deal with this.

@Niki. I know the DSM is imperfect, and I am not a psychiatrist, but I was just trying to get the sense of whether he truly has BPD features, or whether he is simply insecure and immature (features consistent with the average, under 30 male). I agree that these behaviors are dangerous for everyone involved, as niki has neatly summarized below.

He builds fires, cuts himself, uses drugs, robbed a high school—and these are just things you happened to mention in a single post on the internet. His mental health poses a threat to both his own safety and, I believe, your own. From what you have told us this is not a matter of “if” so much as “when”. Sorry to be harsh but you really need to be able to protect yourself.

He doesn’t cut himself he has cut himself. He doesnt do that anymore. He was actually sort of tricked into robbing the school he was just the driver and didn’t know what they were doing. And the fires are fun I enjoy them too. As for the drugs he doesn’t do them around me and supposedly not that often otherwise so I dont have a problem with that.

Cuts self – uses drugs – fire starter – does or doesn’t take meds – won’t tell you about his illness
And these are the things you know! What next?

shilolo hit it on the nail

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_%28psychology%29

And I have nothing more to add to this conversation. Please protect yourself. The end.

obviously you didn’t read what i just said. It’s not helpful when you answer based on half the facts

Look, one of the features of BDP (if thats what he has) is intense relationships. You feel super strongly because some days he loves you so much, but other times he probably says he hates you. I’ve seen this over and over again. The “ups” are great, you feel awesome. But the downs are terrible. There is potential danger here, as Niki has said. You asked about coping, and everyone here read into your post danger. That itself should tell you something when complete strangers can all agree like this. Just be careful and protect yourself.

He’s never said he hates me. He’s never been remotely violent with anybody. and they clearly are not reading what I’m writing. I clearly said he IS medicated and DOES NOT cut himself (one or two times more than a year ago) and he doesn’t use drugs around me or that often. and he does well in school so I don’t see that the drug use could really be that much of a problem

Why did you bother to ask for our opinion or our help? I as well as everyone else have read every word you have written!
And you know what? We have given you our collective answer/opinion/responses. And you defend him… I bet you find yourself having to do that all the time

I asked how to cope not for someone to tell me to end a relationship i don’t want to end

@Night. You asked the question about how to deal with his emotional lability. Part of the miscommunications here are the disconnect between what you say on the one hand (like in response to my series of questions) and then how you defend him and minimize the statements on the other hand.

I mentioned “hate” only because that is typical of people with BPD. One day you are the best and the next day you suck. I wasn’t trying to put words into your mouth.

Finally, I think the responses here in general have been well meaning. As you can tell, most people wouldn’t be able to cope (including myself), and thus recommended you end the relationship. Sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear. Good luck.

because you would rather wear blinders than see the truth. Please seek profession al help! Good luck!

what is because i don’t know “the truth”? what is this “truth”? and how would you know the truth when you aren’t in the situation? are you sure the “truth” you speak of isn’t a bunch of assumptions you’ve made?

Good luck nighttripper stay safe.

someone tell me what I’m not seeing I sincerely want to see it if I am being self delusional but nobodys told me what I’m not seeing. other than some generalization of him being dangerous to me when I see no evidence of that.

Even with medication and the new BPD treatment of choice it will probably always be the way it is now. It is hard as heck to be with someone with BPD. I hear that you love him but love isn’t always enough. Are you truly happy? Are you really up for this?

It’s kind of strange when I am with him I want to be with him forever and I have so much fun (except for when he is excessively uhh lets say excited) but once he leaves I slowly start to question it more every day until I see him again then I love him to death again and see no issues

There is no medication FOR borderline personality disorder. Personality disorders are usually considered secondary to some other mental illness. If he’s medicated… it’s probably not for BPD. That’s not to say he doesn’t have BPD – just that there’s probably something else at work. But I digress…

As far as relationships and BPD go, they normally don’t end well. One of the defining characteristics of borderline personality disorder is the chaotic relationship. It’s the norm. Chaos is what feels natural. It will most likely never change. If he’s truly suffering from BPD (and it is suffering), your relationship with him will mostly likely continue to be turbulent and chaotic. Don’t expect that to change.

While you can’t change and/or control his behavior, you can control yours. One of the few things that may work to help the relationship is the setting of boundaries and expectations. If he says he’s going to do something, hold him to it. Set boundaries for behavior and activities that you will participate in. If he deviates from those boundaries, remove yourself from the situation. Let him know that if he wants you in the picture, he will have to learn to control himself. Chances are he won’t change. He’ll enjoy the drama and chaos that your attempts to cope will create.

If you continue to go on as is, you’ll be doing nothing but making the situation worse. He knows that he can act any way he wants… do anything he wants… say anything he wants… and you’ll deal with it. In the long run, setting some boundaries will be the best for both of you. It will be hard… and you will have to be firm about it (even when all you want to do is give in). But continuing status quo will simply make changing things in the future even more difficult.

It’s impossible for another person to answer this question, though. Only you know the details of your relationship and only you know how you truly feel. If you think you can deal with the relationship continuing the way it is, so be it. You might succeed. But chances are you will eventually begin to resent him for the way he behaves, treats you, etc.

Unfortunately… I fear there is only one outcome for this relationship. But you may need to live through it to learn for yourself. It’s not something anyone else can show you.

NIght, that is a perfect, wonderful description of what it’s like to be in a relationship of any kind with a person who suffers from BPD. I speak as someone who used to have a lot of therapy clients who suffered from it. I later found out that this disorder is so profound that it takes a big, well-coordinated team to really effect change. Learning this was a relief to me, because I felt very ineffective with them, while wishing desperately to help. I did help. But I could not help enough, and it drove me nuts. I LOVED them. They were funny, interesting, smart, fascinating people. I thought about them all the time. They were able to get me so interested in them that I would go seriously out of my way for them – letting them call me any time and talk for hours (for free) between appointments, throwing objects in the therapy room, cancelling vacations because they were in crisis…. exactly what Derick just finished writing about – they got around my boundary-setting capabilities, they inspired me to think they were so special that the ordinary boundaries didn’t apply. And then finally one time I actually went on a vacation, and after three days of intense worry about one young woman – really, I was longing for her, because she was so volatile and brilliant and full of life – I suddenly realized that she’d have been just as desperate if I was still available as she was if I was gone. The uproar she generated in me was the way she felt all the time. Teaching me to feel it too was her way of
helping me to understand her. It wasn’t the way I felt – I had my own feelings.
But these guys can’t explain themselves; it’s too hard to
get outside of all those chaotic feelings, so they have to act out. Almost like charades, but totally sincere. And you get involved in the intensity. It feels great till you step back, and then, just as you say here, you
“slowly start to question it more every day” – Well, that’s the part of you that’s capable of more than strong feeling. It’s a mature, sensible part that can learn from experience, reflect and assess.

Sounds like he can’t reflect and assess as readily. This is not his fault. Totally not.

I think you will continue with him, and I think that’s okay. It will hurt you some, because it will be frustrating. Fine – liking someone, loving someone, is always frustrating, so what’s the diff. Still,
you do have a certain confusion about his inconsistency, impulsiveness, poor judgment on occasion, and his great intensity. That confusion is healthy.
Trust it. Enjoy this relationship, but remember you are not him. Continue to be careful with those fires. Don’t help him drive any getaway cars. I know
that you can tell the difference between a getaway car and just giving someone a ride,
even if he couldn’t that one time. Trust your judgment.
We at fluther are on your side, even though we’ve pissed you off.

You’re in for a rough ride here. Good luck!

You’ve got to ask yourself if his disorder is not part of the reason why you love him. Would you have liked him if he was a regular responsible guy? I agree with the authors, it does sound BPD. I am asking this question at the moment myself having had to endure a boyfriend tantrum of sizemical proportian earlier today. I went to see if he was okay after trying several times to get hold of him. He was home and safe and overjoyed to see me. I expressed concern for his now week-long disassociative state. Normally it endures no more than two days but mostly minutes or hours. He interpreted this as an attack on his character. I left. He sent an sms threatening to have the security guard fired if the guy allowed me into the complex again. Just now he sent a gentle message that he was okay. One year ago I would have been rooting for team Shilolo, but today I get you. We forgive the madness the emotional weirdness because we know it is an illness. This is not co-dependency, I am as well adjusted as any human not classified on IVDSM but have fallen in love with a mentally ill person. I have fallen in love with the ‘out-of-episode’ guy and now have to deal with the very difficult ‘in-episode’ guy. The advice to leave him is obviously well meaning and probably right but it is simply not that easy. He’ll find ways to stay connected to you even if you try leaving. You’re young. Be aware that you have a very hard long, perhaps even dangerous journey ahead. This relationship needs constant work and an extreme level of emotional intelligence from your side. As I see it you have one of two choices, take real responsibility and learn how to protect yourself in the relationship or get help getting out of it permanently before you get even further invested.

Hi everyone, I have a question…. I have an ex boyfriend who shows all of the signs for BPD but like many of the other stories that I have read, has not once come back to me when we have broken up….can anyone shed any advice on this as it has always been me going back to him???

It is so difficult dealing with a BPD. You don’t know what is going to happen from minute to minute. I have made the mistake of acting on my impulse when he would rant and rage. I have learned that it is not their fault that they have this illness and it is so upsetting to see a very intelligent person, or anyone for that fact, to go through this. I have been split as being evil and it has been like that for a year. I have tried to make it up to him and show him that I am there for him no matter what. The words “love” and “Friends” are taboo to him. If you want to stay in a relationship with a BPD, it is important taht you have patience, understanding, and the will to stay for the long, rocky roller coaster ride. I wish you the best of luck.