General Question

ajure's avatar

Should I marry my girlfriend? or leave her?

Asked by ajure (74 points ) October 23rd, 2011

We’ve been 2 years together now and its been mostly amazing. We have so much fun together and we are incredibly attracted to each other. However the time has come to decide on whether I want to marry her or not. We live in a semi-conservative country and girls gets marriage proposals from acquaintances and family friends – thats the traditional way of getting married.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and she gets lots of those but she keeps saying no. But now she has a lot of pressure from her parents because she’s 27 (I’m 25). So now the pressure is on me to propose.
She had done her best to keep those pressures away from me for a while now, but its hard now. I have my full intentions on marrying this girl and I love her so much.
However I have my doubts concerning her emotional maturity which lead me to jealousy and distrust. Having all this pressure on proposing drove me to dig deeper into her personality and secrets. I’m not proud at all of what I’ve done but I thought this the only fast way to know if I’m willing to propose to this girl. What I did is take a look at her online activity. I have found out that 10 months ago and spanning up until 5 months ago (5 months period) she had been considering other men (that proposed) in her life. And whats worst is that she had been fantasizing (and dreaming) about a married guy at her job (googling his name and sign nearly every week, and looking for stuff on seducing a married man). However I know for a fact that she didn’t cheat on me.
I also think that what I’ve saw could be just a phase she was going through. And for the past 5 months every thing have been great between us and she listens to my advice regarding her emotional immaturity. I didn’t mention any of my findings to her yet, and I don’t think she’ll take it nicely.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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60 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

Do not marry anyone you aren’t in love with and determined to spend the rest of your life with. Never marry someone with the idea they will change after wards.

It sounds like you are in love with the person you wish she was, and that doesn’t count.

marinelife's avatar

You should tell her what you have done. Your actions were those of a weasel and a sneak.

She should have the choice of whether to marry you or run far away (I would advise the latter).

You also really need to look into your own insecurities. You are the one who is not emotionally mature enough to marry anyone.

rebbel's avatar

Without wanting to attack you, if I were your girl I wouldn’t want to marry a guy that is sneaking through my personal stuff.
Either you trust someone (and ask that person about what he/she has done in the past, and be satisfied or not with their answer, or you don’t trust someone).
In my book there is nothing inbetween those two options (where it concerns romantic relationships).

ajure's avatar

@marinelife @rebbel I already said I was sorry for that and I didn’t know any better. If I were you I’d think the same about me. But I could appreciate some help and advice and not judgement. -thanks.

njnyjobs's avatar

First of all, Welcome to Fluther.

now for your question. Drift away from her and keep what you found out to yourself for her and your sake…. You will be better off single than married to her knowing what you know.

rebbel's avatar

@ajure Fair enough.
I’d leave her then, gives both of you the chance to start afresh with someone new with persons (hopefully) that you can trust.

chyna's avatar

If she is still looking, which she has every right to since you two aren’t engaged, she may not even be willing to marry you. This is really something you need to decide for yourself and discuss with her.

thesparrow's avatar

.. this sounds like a weird relationship to me.. No offense.

whitetigress's avatar

The way I see marriage is you can incredibly in love with someone, but that is rare to have that person. If you are in love, marry this girl. Let it be known to her that you want work for you two. Let her know that your job is going to be your own business and theres nothing to worry about on that part. I feel like once you have your marriage down, you can just focus on further progressing in life. Some just progress in life without a partner. Just be sure to balance it all out well in the end. I’m young too, 23, planning to get married by the end of the year. I have an incredible girl who loves me for me, and I love her too. Of course I see cutie pies around town and being so young I get easily attracted by others charms, but I know that I got a good woman for me and one is enough. So now I get to focus on my hobbies, work related goals and etc.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

She’s 27 and while other men have proposed, you have not so she’s probably been second guessing holding out for you and considering what to do along the way. If you don’t want to lose her to someone else then propose because sooner or later, enough doubt about you will be there to where she gives someone else a chance who’s really trying for her. Happens all the time.

Judi's avatar

I’m not sure SHE’S the emotionally imature one.

ajure's avatar

@whitetigress Thats exactly my situation and what I’m aiming for.
@chyna I’ve talked to her about this and she said she wants me to marry her and she said she had considered other options in the past because she felt insecure and thought I wouldn’t come through.
@Judi She has problems dealing with complex emotions and is overtaken by her fantasies and dreams. I don’t think I have the same problem but apparently I do have a problem because what I did is very wrong.

However I think I need to ask myself if can I live with the fact that I already know and tormented by my sneaky findings.

Judi's avatar

@ajure , you don’t want to accept her as she is, with her wonderful imagination. You want to change her. Let her go find someone who appreciate her for who she is.

filmfann's avatar

Okay, beyond judging the way you have dealt with this, it sounds like your gf has a fantasy for being married. If you truly love her, ask her. Good luck.

creative1's avatar

Marriage needs to be about trust as well as other things and since you seem to not trust her by feeling the need to rifle through her personal computer which I think is wrong really really wrong then you aren’t ready to marry anyone let alone this woman who probabally did nothing wrong except have maybe a little crush or was intrigued by another person. You were in the wrong by even looking.

ajure's avatar

@Judi I love her for what she is and I don’t want to change her in anyway. But I want to her to able to make the right reasonable choices.

@filmfann Thanks. Do really think so? that would be a great relief.

@creative1 I can understand that. But when I have thoughts of being with someone else I try to dispose the idea as fast as I can, because I have someone whom I love in my life. Why can’t I expect the same from her?

Judi's avatar

@ajure, It seems to me that you two have different ideas about what “reasonable” is.

filmfann's avatar

I really think so.

whitetigress's avatar

@ajure Me and my gf have two very different ideas of what is reasonable. Here’s an example. We went to the market to buy more alcohol for a party we were at. She wanted to buy two more champaigns, I grabbed one of the bottles and said, “No way that’s being too nice and its unreasonable for our budget.” But she insisted on her ways but I demanded a No because everyone was beyond tipsy, the second bottle would never be touched. (It was a friends birthday party and we had already bought drinks prior to the second run) She took this to serious offense that I wouldn’t “trust” her as she put it, but I knew it was just a waste of money that is my feeling to this day. But she’s the type to just spend and have fun and in her world she is correct. These kinds of situations, you just gotta suck it up and admit you were wrong, because “reasonable” is very subjective.

King_Pariah's avatar

Simply put, I think you screwed up.

Nothing I’ve seen here indicates her guilt of being emotionally immature. Only thing I can see is a strong imagination (and that’s not immaturity) and a desire to be married to the guy she is apparently in love with. However you can’t expect her to hold out forever as she has done so far. If anything, I think she’s beginning to feel that you have no intention of asking her hand in marriage, so what’s she supposed to do?

So you wanted to build a foundation first, I get that. But that weaseling shows you are emotionally immature, I mean, will she really end up being happy with you when you turned into big brother? Walk away, and do better next time.

Londongirl's avatar

It takes time to build trust between people. If you really sure about her, you must ask her to marry you as people don’t seat around for you, you need to ask and be a man! But if you are not sure, then you should tell her to give you more time for the relationship then it is up to her also to make the decision. Honesty and talk are the best way to go. The things you read from online may not be the truth so may be you can ask her about her past relationship to understand more about her.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. Interesting first question.

In addition to what’s been said above, “doubts concerning her emotional maturity” did not “lead [you] to jealousy and distrust”. Feelings of jealousy and distrust are all on you, and you should take responsibility for those feelings.

I agree with others who suggest that you leave the girl, or let her leave you (which may be better for her reputation at this point) for both your sakes. Neither of you seems ready to make a commitment to each other, and certainly not yet.

Kayak8's avatar

@ajure Welcome to Fluther! Clearly you live in a country where the traditions regarding marriage (and likely the roles between men and women are significantly different than they are in most sub-cultures in the US). Please keep that in mind as you read advice from people who think in traditional western ways—their advice or comments may or may not be culturally appropriate to your situation.

You have described the characters and their behavior in the foreground of the picture, but there is a great deal of background (cultural context) that is missing from the picture. What pressures are you getting from your parents to marry? What has she told you about the pressures that she is feeling from her family? Besides being physically beautiful, what about her character inspires you to spend the rest of your life with her? In your country, was your looking into her internet history a logical thing that a man would do when contemplating marriage to a woman? In your culture, in the present modern day, is her behavior on the internet unusual? If she told you about the proposal(s), how did she describe the other men and how they went about asking her to marry them?

I have way more questions than answers for you at this point! It is most helpful for you to provide additional cultural details that would make the picture more clear.

whitetigress's avatar

You don’t want to be this boy singing about your girl you are talking about if you don’t marry her

There’s a great lyrics in here, “If she tell’s you, I love you, just remember she said that to me.”

If you don’t marry her she’ll definitely be telling someone new the same things she said to you. If you don’t want this to be a reality, marry her.

Hibernate's avatar

Don’t make it because there’s pressure.

blueiiznh's avatar

You decision should be based off feelings and trust in each other. Looking for something like you did is no way to measure this. What did you expect? A person looking for something wrong can turn even the most innocuous thing into something. Shame on you for sneaking into her personal space.
I can’t even comment on what you think she may have done because you really don’t know. You are suspecting something because you apparently are looking for a reason to get out.
Do her the honor of telling her what you did. IMHO, Take some space and time away from each other. If it is meant to be, it will be, but you have some serious trust issues that you created.
Man up!

Fly's avatar

By the way that you are defending yourself and are only responding positively to people that support marriage, it seems to me that you have already made your decision and are simply looking for others to affirm that choice. If you really think that you should marry her, go ahead and propose. Nobody on here knows you well enough to influence such a major decision. Do what you honestly feel is best.

ajure's avatar

Thank you all for the answers. @Fly is right I want to marry her.
I know I screwed up and I have to man up and face my trust issues.
I guess in the end what I came in here looking for is whether these kind of imaginations is normal (and doesn’t mean a thing) or not.

@Kayak8
__________
Looking at her internet history is definitely not the logical thing to do.

I have no pressure from my parents to get married.

At first she never told me about the pressures, but when I see her sad or not being herself and ask her if she’s okay. She tells me that her parents keeps talking about marriage and presenting her with options and sometimes even being angry at her for not listening. About a year ago she told me that the pressure from her parents are tremendous and they are changing their attitude towards her and she feels kind of unwanted in the house.

At the time that I checked (2 weeks ago) and since 4 months back her behavior on the internet is ok.

Being playful, fun, creative and her outlook, dreams and goals for life is the stuff that inspires me to spend my life with her. Also the way she loves me so much.

When we talked about the other men proposing, she was mostly uncomfortable and rushing to finish the conversation.

As for our culture. The new generation is kind of cool, open-minded and think of females as equals. But we respect most of the concepts imposed by the culture (e.x. no sexual intercourse before marriage). However the previos generations (our parents) are conservative, traditional, have strict rules about male/female roles and not so open-minded.

Kayak8's avatar

@ajure Well, it sounds like you are gaining some clarity in what you want in terms of marriage to this particular woman and just needed to reinforce your own thoughts . . .

mrrich724's avatar

you are only considering her, she’s considering multiple other men. . . that doesn’t sound like something you want to do long term. . .

Also, you may be just jumping to conclusions here, but if your theory is correct, she’s already considered seducing a married man . . .

ajure's avatar

@mrrich724 Thats easily thought of as a result of the parents’ pressure to get married.

mrrich724's avatar

But then why not talk to you about it? Why go exploring other options?

I think if she’s pressured into getting married, you should have been the first one she discussed this with!

ajure's avatar

@mrrich724 Thats what I told her and she responded that she was feeling insecure and found it hard to come and talk to me about it.

mrrich724's avatar

@ajure and what was the outcome of that conversation, when you two talked about it? That can weigh heavily on what your decision should be. . .

What did she say, and were you satisfied with her responses/explanation.

I understand that a cultural pressure to marriage can lead her to consider others, however I can’t get past the fact that she would want to seduce a married man. I think that speaks volumes about her respect toward marriage in general (that she would be willing to interfere in someone else’s marriage)

NuGoonie23's avatar

Hold up.
& Uhmmm why is she trying to seduce a married man? She needs to move along and question her commitment with you, instead of becoming a homewrecker for another. Did I read that right?

Although I agree with others in that your curiosity went a little to far, no one is questioning the stuff you did find on her. If I were you I would confront her. You can’t live to propose to a woman with this much ambiguity. Marriage isn’t just a two day thing (although divorce rates seem to differ). If I were you I would dig deep down and figure out how you really feel about her and find out exactly how she really feels about you.

syz's avatar

If those options are both on the table, then you have no business getting married.

stardust's avatar

It’d seem that you already know your own answer to this. Your question, your behaviour, etc all point out that the level of trust needed to take the relationship further just isn’t there. Be honest with your girlfriend and give her the opportunity to be honest with you.

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

You sound unsure about your relationship with this girl. That in itself is a red flag telling you that it would be unwise to marry her. Sure, she may be gorgeous and the two of you have had many great times together and are very attracted to each other, but that is not enough to sustain a permanent and solid relationship. TRUST is the perhaps one of the, if not the, most important factor in a successful marriage. Without it, it is like building a house with no nails. You will be on a shaky foundation for the rest of your life if you keep questioning her loyalty, and from the evidence you uncovered, it clearly shows that her conduct and your conduct reveal a lack of conviction from both parties.

No, I wouldn’t marry her, at least not yet. No amount of pressure should determine what you should do. It’s your life, and no one should pressure you into marriage. You are the one who will live this married life, not them.

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WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I second precisely what @marinelife said, and I’d like to add that if you’ve been together for two years, you should know if you desire to take your relationship further by now.

If you’ve been with her for two years, but still don’t trust her and don’t know if you want to marry her or not, then it’s probable that even if you did marry her, you’d be divorced within a year.

ajure's avatar

@blueiiznh @Fly Thanks a bunch! What you siad gave me an insight on what I’m truly feeling and going through. I have talked to her and told her about my sneaking. She was very disappointed and felt invaded, but I think I can fix this, and do my best to survive this and get married to the love of my life.
BTW I haven’t told her what I saw because it will make things very complicated and uncomfortable between us. I’m going to try my best to forget what I saw.

I wish to advice all the people to cut back on the judgement and negativity. If you don’t have constructive answer or felt offended by the question please don’t write an answer. But thanks to everyone anyways.

@WillWorkForChocolate ouch, thats a really harsh thing to say!

Judi's avatar

If you don’t want honest answers, don’t ask the questions.

thesparrow's avatar

@whitetigress If that was my boyfriend and I, I probably would have been the one cheaping out on the champagne…

ajure's avatar

@Judi Will keep that in mind next time. Thanks for your efforts though :)

thesparrow's avatar

You sound like one of my friends, except she’s the one going through her bf’s stuff and finding little tidbits of raunchy conversation here and there (phone & computer) with his ex. Include nude pictures in that, too. The girl is so emotionally attached that it’ll be hard to convince her to end it.

ajure's avatar

@thesparrow the thing is with sneaking around and seeing tidbits would put things out of context and would be understood in a wrong way. Its really bad and everybody has their secrets and should have his/her privacy respected.
Why would you want to convince your friend to end it?

ajure's avatar

@thesparrow and btw I didn’t find any conversations or anything like that. All I found was the search history stuff I mentioned. I think if anybody looks into the search history of anybody else, it would be misunderstood. Because everybody these days googles anything and everything.

Sher_King's avatar

I think you skrewed it up. Full stop. Your not going to get over what you know. You already have distrust.

So why on earth marry? You seem like you love her, but your 25, and you sound a little shaky and far from being marriage material right now. Infact you dont even know hwo you feel at all.

Marriage isnt a game. And sometimes how you feel is not the reality of things. You’ve been with her for two years, but sometimes two years really means NOTHING. Love is great.. sure. But there are so many other things that come with it.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@ajure Perhaps it is harsh… but it’s also true. Sorry.

thesparrow's avatar

Well, she’s giving him a break for other reasons than just finding that stuff on his computer and phone.

glut's avatar

You are not ready to get married if you marry your girlfriend it is possible that you would no longer want to be married to her, you would be better off being single.

Ela's avatar

Everyone seems to think shame on you for snooping. Well I say shame on her for hiding things from you and “fantasizing (and dreaming) about a married guy at her job (googling his name and sign nearly every week, and looking for stuff on seducing a married man).”
It’s completely beyond my realm of comprehension, why some people actively seek out other women/men while they are currently in a relationship and think this is alright.

thesparrow's avatar

@EnchantingEla I completely agree. It must really hurt to discover that on your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s computer.

My question is why is there a lot of pressure from the parents? 27 isn’t that old these days to get married, and 25 for a man to get married is really young.

pedropedro's avatar

Hey man,

did you marry her finally, how is it going?

Ela's avatar

<— wants to know the skinny too!

blueiiznh's avatar

update please

chyna's avatar

OP hasn’t been back since Oct. 2011. I bet we will never get an update.

Ela's avatar

He probably got married. Some people fall off the face of the earth after they get married
: (

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Actually, he might be in hiding because the proposal went terribly wrong, and he killed her…

AshLeigh's avatar

I agree with WillWorkForChocolate.

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