Social Question

wundayatta's avatar

On what date do you talk about your history of STDs?

Asked by wundayatta (58349 points ) February 2nd, 2012

Of course, some people will say never. It’s irrelevant if the behavior is gone. But in truth, is there an advantage to bringing up things in your life you may be ashamed about? Is there a disadvantage to never talking about them?

If you keep stuff in your past a secret from a potential partner, how can they ever really know you? If they can’t ever know you, how can you feel known? If you aren’t fully known, can you be truly loved?

If you had something you were ashamed of, yet felt that it was very important your potential partner knew about and accepted, when and how would you bring it up? Or, if you have done such a thing, when in the course of the relationship did you bring it up, and how did it go over?

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13 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

On a date/anywhere towards the beginning of the relationship? No (unless it was something permanent or if I had one at the time), I prefer to reveal my little encounter with gonorrhea later on when we’re close enough that she just laughs and mocks me. Or whenever she asks if it’s towards the beginning of the relationship.

DrBill's avatar

as soon as it looks serious and definitely before sex happens.

JaneraSolomon's avatar

Um, no history to tell. ;D

tranquilsea's avatar

I used to have the STD talk when things started to get serious and sex looked like it may be a possibility. I don’t have any and never had any and I wanted to keep that way.

My sister dated a guy who had herpes. He let her know fairly soon in the relationship which made me respect him a lot.

phoebusg's avatar

I used to think I had an STD, having had a few partners. Turns out I’m and was completely clean, but my doc at the time must have thought I was going hypochondriac on him. Mind you I had every test out there to make sure there are no false negatives. So I definitely identify with the stigma and the fear that you may have passed on an STD to someone else. It used to turn me off and away from sex. The thought of contracting one still does. I’m one of those that would prefer a recent clean bill of health before I can really relax and let go.

At the time, the 2nd or 3rd date I’d bring it up or initiate a discussion to find out the person’s recent history. I do also sneak in a question for the last test/checkup.

It went over well, it’s how you start up such topics.

mrrich724's avatar

If you no longer have them, there is no need to discuss them.

The only reason I can think of is to avoid your S.O. from eventually finding out in a round about way and then getting annoyed and asking “why didn’t you tell me you were a dirty azz hoe”

I wouldn’t bring it up.

Coloma's avatar

If one has ongoing STD issues like Herpes, the sooner the better. To not disclose the fact asap is dishonorable and to allow someone to think you are healthy when you have a transmittable condition is duplicitious, to say the least. ALL cards on the table, upfront!

If you have zero issues, then the past need not be discussed.

Personally, if I was dating and falling for someone and they dropped the herpes bomb, or whatever, on me after weeks, and just before I was about to become intimate with them, I’d kick their ass to the curb in a heartbeat. No thanks, not willing to manage STDs, nope, not gonna happen.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

When it begins to look more serious. Or if sex becomes an option before things get serious.

downtide's avatar

February 31st.

(I’ve never had one, but even if I had, I wouldn’t mention it unless there was some long-term/ongoing effect)

GladysMensch's avatar

I wouldn’t bother unless you were contagious or physically altered (can’t have kids). It’s none of his business. I doubt you feel inclined to tell him about every viral infection you’ve ever had, ie: the sinus infection in eighth grade, the ear infection you had in first grade, that time you had the stomach flu in college. Who cares?

ratboy's avatar

Usually I attend to this while we’re in the clinic’s waiting area.

Symbeline's avatar

Everyone has their secrets, and some are always best kept to oneself. Not because you may have killed someone or anything, but we all need our private little imps and demons. And angels, too. That doesn’t automatically mean that they could seriously hurt someone, whether known or not. But whoever the fuck I know, love and appreciate, I’d feel naked and violated if they had access to ALL my thoughts that I’ve EVER had and EVER will.
Wow, I just had a Pennywise moment.

wait this isn’t metaphorical?

If I had an STD, I’d talk about it to a doctor. It could also come up as passed events with someone I’m romantically involved with. (and other people I ain’t so romantically involved with) The metaphor part is more complicated. In that case, you’re the one who knows if it’s right or not for you and others involved to bring up your Xena like past. So much stuff depends, and that, depending on what it is, for which, of any example, I’ve nothing truly conclusive to offer. Some good some bad, some bad some good? Such is life; you spend it trying to figure it out. Kaw!

Actual answer; on Halloween!

wundayatta's avatar

It is metaphorical. We all have things we’re ashamed of in our past…. I hope. Let’s put it this way, I don’t know… I take that back. Let me see. One lover of mine gave up a child for adoption. She was Catholic and would have had an abortion if she wasn’t brought up to believe that was a sin of some kind. She also did things like picking up men off the street. She had a long history of very doubtful lovers, of whom the guy who got her pregnant was probably the most doubtful.

Another lover had some women’s issues, and her sister was bulemic. I think there were other things going on there, too. My first lover was also a woman who acquired a checkered past after she dumped me. Or maybe while she was with me.

I have friends—many—who have had abortions. I’m sure there are one hundred other things one might be ashamed of, and might feel reluctant to tell a lover or potential lover about. I know my own past is filled with things that might send people running.

I think a lot of people would say you never talk about this stuff. If you are now STD free, there is nothing to talk about. Are you going to talk about every little cough and virus you’ve had?

I probably should ask metaphorical questions. I thought I explained more in the details, but maybe people didn’t read them. In any case, what I’m really interested in is when, if ever, do you talk about these things (let’s say you had an abortion, or maybe you’d gotten a girlfriend pregnant and then made her get an abortion. Would you ever talk about that?

I don’t think most people would. But I think it is a big mistake to not talk about these things. What do you think?

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