Social Question

AshLeigh's avatar

How can I help my best friend through a recent breakup?

Asked by AshLeigh (14777 points ) October 22nd, 2011

My best friend moved up here from Alabama, and before he moved, he was in love with his girlfriend. They stayed in contact, and planned to get back together one day. I realize that doesn’t always work out, but still.
She got mad at him, for one reason or another, and got a new boyfriend.
I’m really worried about him. He won’t even talk to me anymore, and he’s really sad… I’m his best friend. I thought if he’d talk to anyone, it would be me… I want to help him, but I don’t know how to do that. He won’t answer my phone calls, or my texts.
I don’t know what to do… :’(

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55 Answers

Prosb's avatar

If I were in your situation, I would break into his house, and sit with him in silence until he came out of his slump. I would be there if he wanted to get anything off his chest, or just someone to vent to. I don’t think this is the best course of action, but it is honestly the one I would go with.
(Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.)

AshLeigh's avatar

@Prosb, that’s what I would do, if he didn’t live fifty miles away…
I tried texting, and calling, but he ignored both. He knows he can talk to me, he’s just not…

lillycoyote's avatar

You might try something very, very old-fashioned: Write him a letter. On paper, in an envelope, with a stamp, picked up and delivered by a postal employee! :-) A personal letter, or a card, with a note, in this day and age, might just get is attention. And in a letter you can take the time to say everything you want, and get it right. It might be worth a shot. And, maybe you can enclose a card, stamped and addressed to you, for him to use to respond, just to make it easy for him. I don’t know, it’s something to consider, at least.

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

What a nasty girlfriend he had! Pretty bad, considering that both had “planned to get back together” again. That was pretty low in my opinion.

As for what you can do, you can try contacting him again, and tell him that you’ll be there for him if he needs it. But to be honest, there’s little you can do to mend a broken heart, especially with guys, because guys usually don’t like to communicate their feelings with others to begin the mending process. Time is the only healer, and hopefully in time he will come to realize the sincerity of your kind words, and perhaps contact you to say thank you, or maybe even tell you how he really feels.

AshLeigh's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES… I thought so too. It makes me mad.
I hate this girl, and I’ve never even met her. I feel horrid about it, but I can’t help it…

Maybe I should have mentioned that he likes me, and knows I like him. But he loved her.
I realize that might make it weird to talk to me about. But I’m his best friend, before I’m anything else. So I don’t know if that would matter… I don’t understand humans.

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

@AshLeigh You know what? It’s really better that she’s not with him anymore. That shows she didn’t really truly love him in the first place, and a guy as special as your friend deserves a girl who will treat him better, with more respect. To ditch someone immediately and hook up with another boyfriend just because she “got mad at him” shows she has no class, maturity, or conviction. Good people deserve better.

You are good friends with him. Great friendship is sometimes worth more than a romantic relationship. Treasure that. In time, I’m sure he will see the light. He’s just in a mess right now——his head is in a whirlwind. He needs time to heal. Most likely, your kind words of support will be appreciated once the whirlwind dies down.

AshLeigh's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES, I guess so… Thanks. :/

Judi's avatar

Did you have anything to do with why she got mad? Jealous maybe? If so, talking to you would be the last thing he would want to do.
Give him space. When he’s ready to talk, he will.

AshLeigh's avatar

@Judi, no, I didn’t.
It was because he didn’t answer the phone when she called him… At four in the morning… On a school night.

mazingerz88's avatar

Try this if you wish. Send your friend just ONE word messages every 6 or 8 hours, eventually completing a friendly supportive and sincerely symphatetic statement which would go like, “I know you are hurting but anytime you feel like talking I’m here to try and make you feel better just saying or rather texting.”...and so on and so forth. Just one word every 6 or 8 hours.

Chances are he’ll get intrigued, even annoyed ( lol ) maybe but still, there’s a chance he might just find it cute and call you after realizing you are not forcing him to do anything he just isn’t ready for and that you care.

AshLeigh's avatar

@mazingerz88, that’s a creative idea, but I don’t want to annoy him.
I think I’ll just give him a few days, then try again.

mazingerz88's avatar

@AshLeigh Great. You know him better so follow your instincts. A good friend knows when or when not to push or establish presence.

AshLeigh's avatar

@mazingerz88, I guess so.
I know if he needed to talk, he would. He always does..
It’s just weird for me. We talk every day, at least for a few minutes. I’m not used to not hearing from him. :-/

mazingerz88's avatar

As long you know that he knows you are concerned about him, yes my opinion is it’s best to give him a few days.

When I was in high-school suffering from a heartache and shut myself in for days, my best friend came and without saying anything delivered me my favorite hot soup made by his mom.

We haven’t spoken for years and years now, but I’ll always remember him as my one and only best friend for life.

Joker94's avatar

He’s probably still reeling from what happened, I know I would be. Keep on being supportive and outgoing to him, not the point of being annoying, obviously, and he’ll come out of his shell eventually.

saint's avatar

If he doesn’t want to talk to you, he doesn’t. He probably will in the future. As time goes by, he’ll get over it and everything will get back to normal.

Londongirl's avatar

If he’s your best friend, then if I were you I would go to his place and be there and talk to him… sometimes it is good to show that you are there for your friends…

AshLeigh's avatar

@Londongirl, as I previously said, I wish I could, but he lives 50 miles away, and I have no means of transportation at the moment. So going to visit him is out. :-/

Hibernate's avatar

Don’t push your luck. If he doesn’t want to open up don’t press him or else you’re gonna loose him as a friend. He might not want “forced” help. Give him space to grief in his own way.

LezboPirate's avatar

Okay, next time Dad and I go to Anchorage you can come with. And we’ll take you to his house, where we will jump out and storm the place. We’ll break down every door in the house until we find him. Then Dad and I will hold him, and you punch him in the nipples until he feels all better.

Don’t lie. You love that idea.

AshLeigh's avatar

@LezboPirate, hello, my sister. Glad to have you back.
Welcome to Fluther, once again.
I do love the idea. You’re awesome.
However, care to explain to me how nipple punching will make anyone feel better?

lillycoyote's avatar

@AshLeigh I am just hazarding a guess, and @LezboPirate is your friend so she knows better than I, but maybe nipple punching is one of those things that will make him feel better just because she’s starts doing it to him and then she finally stops. It will just feel so good when it’s over. Just a thought. :-)

AshLeigh's avatar

@lillycoyote, she’s my sister. Haha. And I’m really hoping the nipple punching is a joke.
I could just be like “Hey Mr. Burgess, I’m just here to punch Gage in the nipples. Don’t mind me. XD

lillycoyote's avatar

@LOL. Your sister, that’s even better. It’s always good to have a Ninja nipple puncher in the family who’s got your back. Well… maybe not always good. :-)

LezboPirate's avatar

Okay, maybe that’s a bad idea. But don’t you feel better now? Maybe you should tell him that and then he’ll feel better. You think? Laughter is the best medicine, I hear.

Or just wait it out. Everyone gets over break ups eventually. Or..they at least realize that life goes on, even if they are still upset about it.

Also, I’m no Ninja. We have another sister. I’ve been trying to get her for years. She always sees it coming. Even when I’m standing behind her. She must be the Ninja.

AshLeigh's avatar

@LezboPirate, yes, probably not a good idea. But maybe I’ll send him a text that says “Hey you. I’m going to punch you repeatedly in the nipples.” Think it’ll work?
Morgan is a ninja… I haven’t succeeded in nipple punching her either.

LezboPirate's avatar

I think so. And if not..what is he going to do? Be mad at you for threatening his nipples? I doubt it. But seriously, we could take you to see him sometime. He might like that.

Morgan is only that way because she knows she deserves it. I’m gonna get her someday.

AshLeigh's avatar

@LezboPirate, yeah, but he won’t talk to me. And I doubt his parents would appreciate me just showing up at his house.
I’ll hold her. You punch.

LezboPirate's avatar

..Call his Mommy and ask.
Mmkay.

AshLeigh's avatar

@LezboPirate, yeah, becuase I totally know his mothers number.

lillycoyote's avatar

@AshLeigh It’s not like my feelings are hurt or anything, my dear friend, but I did get 9 GAs, count ‘em, 9! for suggesting you write your friend a letter and you completely blew me off, :-) nary a response nor even a mention. Toss me a bone here, my friend, have you even considered that?.

LezboPirate's avatar

That isn’t a bad idea there, either. ^^

AshLeigh's avatar

@lillycoyote, that would require that I knew his mailing address. D:

lillycoyote's avatar

@AshLeigh Well, you could have just said that. :-) Someone must know it. Who is he staying with? Do you know the landline number where he is? Or does someone? If you know that you can do a reverse look up. And how were you and your sister going to find the house if you don’t know the address?

AshLeigh's avatar

@lillycoyote, I know where he lives. I’ve been there. He is my best friend. But the mailing address is different, since he lives in a duplex.
I only know his cell phone number.

LezboPirate's avatar

Hmm..
It’s not that different. Did you look at the street name and such? And which apartment number he lives in? The rest I already know. :D

Ela's avatar

Update @AshLeigh? How is your friend??

Nipple punching… really? omg that’s funny!

AshLeigh's avatar

@EnchantingEla, Nipple Punching. It’s a sport in my family.
He’s still not talking to me. I text him once every couple of days, but he still doesn’t say anything… I fear if I tried calling him, he’d either not answer, or I’d sit there having a one sided conversation…

Ela's avatar

If he doesn’t answer you can leave a message and if you end up having a one sided convo…
ask him he could please breath a little louder? ; )

AshLeigh's avatar

Haha. I could try it.
But I wouldn’t know what to say in a message, since odds are, he won’t answer…

Ela's avatar

Tell him you miss him.

You could give us his number and we’ll text him : )

Maybe his number has changed? Do you have an email or another way to contact him?

AshLeigh's avatar

I guess I could try…
Right… I don’t trust what you’d say to him! Haha.

Ela's avatar

LOL I’d say “AshLeigh misses you!!!” or whatever you wanted me to say.
I love texting and have 3 phones I can text from ; )
(mine plus my kids)

AshLeigh's avatar

Hah. That’s silly.
I texted him, and said “I miss you.”
So far no reply. I just sent it though.

Ela's avatar

<paces>
He may not answer the first one. Unless you get charged for every text, I’d send one every day, them 2 a day, then 3 a day…
Either that or I’d pour my heart out. Since he ain’t talking to me anyways, what’s there to lose?
Be persistent!

AshLeigh's avatar

I don’t want to annoy him. I’ve been sending one every other day, or so…
I don’t know what to do. This kid’s got me going crazy.
I went through everything with him. But now? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
What the hell am I supposed to do to make him realize…

Ela's avatar

Just letting him know you are there for is about all I see you can do.
I’m so sorry. I really dislike it when a person treats someone this way. (The way he is treating you)
It does make a person crazy, because you care about them.

AshLeigh's avatar

I guess.
It’s making me mad. I just want to yell at him, but I know I shouldn’t…

Ela's avatar

I think I may know how you feel. If you could just get him to listen and to talk to you everything would be alright? I don’t know how often you would talk or text but I do know how it feels to text someone everyday, have a miss understanding and then have them severe that connection. I know exactly how it feels to be completely shut out and how much it hurts, how deep the pain is. I know how frustrating it is that they won’t even listen or give you a chance. I know how crazy it makes you feel because they are so important to you.
Just know you tried you’re damnedest because your friendship means that much to you.

AshLeigh's avatar

We talked EVERY DAY, since the day we met. At least a little. He’d text me at least once a day, and call a few times a week. It’s weird, not talking to him. Every time my phone goes off, I instantly think it’s him, then it’s not…
I just want him to talk to me. I want to know that he’s okay. Or at least that he will be…
I’d put all my hopes, and my faith into this friendship. Then nothing.
Which makes me wonder why we work so hard at things, when pain, and destruction is to be the only outcome of our efforts. :-/

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Don’t say anything about his ex unless he says something first about her. If you talk, talk about something else entirely.

Mr_Paradox's avatar

Let him know that you are there for him and if he decides to talk then listen but dn’t give advice unless he asks for it, this is something he hast to work out by himself.

Sayd_Whater's avatar

I’ve been in your position a while ago.. And I don’t know what kind of relationship you both have.
My bestfriend broke up, and several of our mutual friends tried call and write txt msgs but they couldn’t get nothing out of it… As for me, I didn’t say anything for about 2 weeks… I don’t know about you guys but whenever I’m heart broken I don’t wanna see anyone… Whenever he is ready you’ll know it! And if you are really best friends you really must give him some space, it seems your friend needs time to think on his own without his friends coming on top of his shoulder reminding him of what a bitch she was… Or telling him what to do… Give him some space and he will come back to himself and to his friends again.
By the way, my friend called me yesterday and we’re having dinner tonight… Still not sure about what to say so I guess I will listen instead… =)

AshLeigh's avatar

He is fine now. :) Has been for months.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Just let him know that “IF” he wants to talk , that he knows how to get ahold of you.
(when he feels ready).
He probably is thinking things though.
Might want to work things out for himself.
Give him the respect to handle that in his own way.

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