Social Question

the_overthinker's avatar

How do I ensure that he will not accept due to politeness?

Asked by the_overthinker (1250 points ) March 5th, 2012

Okay… so I’m about to ask a guy out…

I don’t want to waste my time on someone who will accept, and not reject, due to being polite, or not wanting to hurt my feelings. How might I make this clear as well?

I might also add that this is my first time asking someone out, or even telling them blatantly that I like them.

This guy is more of an acquaintance. I’m going to tell him that I like him, and then ask to go out. What shall I say after? Help me with wording..

And, what should I say if he rejects me? Any personal stories are very welcome.

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12 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Keep it casual.Don’t mention that you like him. By asking him out, you have implied that strongly. If you make a declaration of love or even like, you are making the moment more fraught than it needs to be.

Either he will say “I’d love to” or “Sorry, no.” Then you say, “OK.’

Don’t get over-invested and don’t try to write his lines for him. This is step number one only.

dabbler's avatar

@gailcalled is on the right track. Don’t try to second-guess what he’s going to think or say. Just tell him what you mean. “I’d like to go < > with you. What do you say?”

the_overthinker's avatar

@gailcalled: a guy friend of mine was asked by a girl to spend time together.. He took it as a friendly hang out.. just a blooming friendship… I’m sure she likes him though.

I was going to say something along the lines of “I enjoy talking to you. Do you want to hang out sometime?” And was possibly going to add “it’s Okay if you reject me, I’d prefer an honest answer.”

What do you think, fellow jellies? PS: I’m not really an awkward person

wundayatta's avatar

I almost never asked anyone out as a youth because I was afraid of rejection. It never occurred to me then that a woman would accept out of pity or politeness. It was a tough time for me.

I think when asking someone out, you want to emphasize what you have in common. You like this. I like this. Let’s go do this together. If you want to get a little personal, you can mention that you really enjoyed talking with them at such and such an event. The more you emphasize the “really,” the more personal it becomes.

Other than that, you have to leave it up to them to interpret what you are saying. Dating is a fraught activity. It doesn’t matter if you are 16 or 61, it’s hard to interpret what is going on.

[your post just came up]

Do not say “it’s ok if you reject me…” Then you will almost certainly put him into a position where he cannot decline your invitation. You will have characterized it as rejection, and it may not be that. You need to allow him a way to say he is busy or whatever, so that he doesn’t reject you.

You can leave the invitation open (by saying “another time, then”), or if he does decline, ask if it would be ok to invite him to some other event in the future. But do not give him his options. He has to feel free to figure out his own options or you will force him into doing what you say you do not want him to do.

the_overthinker's avatar

@wundayatta, alright. I’ll not add the last part.

wundayatta's avatar

By the way, are you truly an over thinker?

Not that there’s a competition, but I’m like the king of over-thinkers, or so people have told me most of my life. I think it would be fun to try to over-think and over-thinker. In a friendly way, I mean.

But I have found that I like “over-thinking.” I think it helps in the end. Some of us just worry and worry and try to figure all the angles and end up not doing things as a result. I think you are on the right track in just doing the invite and seeing what happens. I used to think that if I was turned down (and I also saw it as rejection), everyone would somehow come to know me for the loser I am.

Eventually I became comfortable with loserdom, and once that happened, no one could really make me feel any worse about myself than I already did. So now I can be the fool, and oddly enough, people find that funny. Then I get to put myself down before anyone else does, and that makes it hard for anyone else to put me down.

Such defense mechanisms, eh? What kind of creatures are we that we need to learn to do this shit in order to survive? I don’t know the answer to that, but I suppose evolution has something to do with it. I’m just glad I’ve survived and had a few laughs here and there.

Whatever this guy says, you’ve got s story. That’s something. How I asked for advice on the internet and actually paid attention to some guy whose avatar was a rear end. A human rear-end. Yep. That’s me. But there’s more to me than being an ass. I’ve got the world tattooed all over me. Whih means I may be an ass, but I do have worldly concerns! Maybe I actually do know something, even if I look like an ass. Who knows? I hope so. But that’s for others to decide.

Coloma's avatar

Be confident! Don’t say ” It’s okay if you reject me.” lol
What you have in mind to say otherwise is great. Just ” Hey, I like talking with you, would you want to hang out sometime, today, now.” Keep it simple.

the_overthinker's avatar

@wundayatta, I do consider myself someone who over thinks. I’m not exactly proud of it though.. Sometimes it makes me crazy. If something gets on my nerve, I’ll think about it for 1–3 days minimum. But.. I think a lot of people over think things.

I guess my over thinking has made me want to change the way I used to go with things..
At one point of my over thinking process, I thought that something was wrong with me. I think I found my answer though… after thinking over it a lot more. I’d sub-consciously flirt with the guy that I’m interested in.. but then I would make myself believe that it wouldn’t work out.. and then avoid them.. or change my behavior intentionally and treat them just as a friend.

If he turns me down, I’ll just accept it. some people are really selective of who they date, and I’m not the type to mess around with.

@Coloma, okay. I’ll stick with simplicity.

EDIT: and to add, I don’t think I’m a really good flirt. So I just hope he isn’t too daft.. I wanted to be clear.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

You are making this out to be too big of a thing. It’s a date. One date. Dating is how you find out these things about people.

lonelydragon's avatar

There’s no way to do that. You can’t control his actions or motivations. All you can do is ask and hope for the best. I agree with the others. Don’t make any heavy declarations of like or love yet. Just ask him to go to dinner/a movie/whatever and go with the flow. You’ll know by his behavior what his feelings are.

the_overthinker's avatar

hey all, thanks for backing me up. I did as I said.. but now I’m stuck in a hole again wondering. If anyone has free time… it seems I’ve tired my friends out and they don’t want to listen to me anymore. Message me if you’re interested in helping me interpret.. or decide what to do next…

wundayatta's avatar

Feel free to post it here. It’s your question. That way people can opine if they want.

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