Social Question

jordym84's avatar

Is it ok that I'm feeling hurt?

Asked by jordym84 (4742 points ) July 13th, 2012

I moved out to NYC and have been staying with my best friend from college for a little over a month now while I look for jobs, but it’s taking me a little longer than I’d planned to find something so that I can be out on my own.

She’s always wanted me to move here and was the one who convinced me to finally do it. After about 2 weeks of being here I started feeling bad that I couldn’t find a job and was beginning to feel like I was starting to impose on my friend. I’ve always been very independent and hate asking for favors (though I have absolutely no problem helping out others without them even asking for it) so I know that my pride was starting to take a hit. I’m easy to live with as I always, always clean up after myself and being that I don’t like clutter/messiness, I take it upon myself to do the dishes and clean the house every morning when I wake up, so I know there aren’t any problems on that end. I also haven’t been eating much lately, what with the stress and all, so I know I’m not consuming all her groceries and I always replace whatever little food I’ve used.

Well, today she texted me and said that she felt bad having this conversation with me, but she wanted to know if there was any way I could stay with another one of our friends who lives in Jersey for a while because she hasn’t been able to enjoy her apartment since moving out on her own in February because her boyfriend was always over and I moved here about a week after they broke up.

I’ve been toying with the idea of going back home for a little while now, even though I know I’m not going to get a job there for a very, very long time (terrible job market). Funny thing is, just today I got a call for an interview next week and it sounded like I pretty much got the job and the interview is just a necessary formality, but I wouldn’t be starting until August. The problem is, now I feel really awkward staying with my friend and want to go somewhere else so badly because I know I’m not going to feel comfortable being here anymore, but I don’t know anyone else in the city.

I completely understand where she’s coming from and don’t want to take it personally (believe me, I’m trying hard to not let it get to me), but I can’t help but feel a little sad and hurt.

Am I wrong to be having these feelings? And should I just suck it up for the time being and ignore my feelings of discomfort and awkwardness until I start the job and can afford to be on my own? Or should I just go back home? I’d really hate to pass up this job opportunity =/

Thank you all in advance.

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10 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Feelings are not wrong, just as long as you understand them and don’t blame them on someone else. Feel them, talk about them and then move on.

Too bad things didn’t work out, hope they get better soon.

stardust's avatar

It’s completely okay that you’re feeling hurt. Sit with your feelings and accept them, but like @zenvelo said, they are your feelings, so you are responsible for how you deal with them.
Moving is such an unsettling thing in itself so it’s totally understandable to be a bit shaken up by all of this. Talk to your friend – get things out in the open. Good luck with the interview :-)

creative1's avatar

NJ is not that far from NYC I would consider saying for a couple weeks with the friend in NJ until the new job starts and ask if you can come back when it starts just until you get enough saved to get a place of your own. Good luck with getting the job my fingers are crossed for you.

Judi's avatar

Can you take a trip home after the interview and come back as soon as the job starts?
She probably won’t have a problem if she knows that there is a plan for you to be on your own.

Bellatrix's avatar

You can’t help how you feel and that goes for your friend too. It seems to me you are being quite empathic to why she has asked you to move out. This will pass.

Do you want to live in NY? Is that still something you really want to do? If it is, I would talk to the friend in Jersey and see if that will work for you. I hope the job you mentioned comes off but I still think you should be looking for any job you can get right now. You will feel better about yourself if you are working and this other job might not come off.

Cruiser's avatar

I would re-approach your friend and suggest a very detailed timeline with a specific move out date if she would consider allowing you to stay x number of days more. There are shelters and religious out reach options for temporary housing if push comes to shove.

Good luck with the new job.

jordym84's avatar

@Judi I really wish I could go home after the interview and come back again in August, but it’s just not financially feasible (it’s far and I don’t have a car, so I’d have to either fly or take a bus, neither of which I can afford there and back). She does know that I have a plan and I have been sending applications non-stop for the past 2 months.

I guess I’m just kind of bummed out because I didn’t even get to enjoy the only piece of good news I’ve received in a really long time (I texted her very excitedly right after I hung up with the recruiter and after congratulating me, she sprung the “news” on me)...I don’t know, it just really shot down my happiness.

@Bellatrix At the moment, NYC is my only option. I don’t have a car, so I need to be somewhere with reliable public transportation. I did talk to the friend in NJ and she said she’s more than happy to have me come over. I’m going there for the week until I have my interview, but staying there long-term wouldn’t be practical commute-wise.

@Cruiser Thank you!

augustlan's avatar

Maybe your NY friend will be ok with you coming back when (if) the job starts, and staying for a very limited amount of time, just until you can get enough money together for rent, if you go and stay with the NJ friend for now. Best of luck!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

In situations like this, it is best to think up all of the possibilities. Here are a few:
* Understand how your friend/roommate feels. If she needs more time alone in her apt., find ways to provide it. Are there any other underlying concerns that can be worked out? August isn’t that far off.
* If you get the job, ask if there might be any way to start sooner. When I transferred to another hotel in a new city, the manager had me spend time at another one of our properties learning the computer system before I started the official job.
* Move back home for the time-being. I did it once. I left a hotel job in Chicago and moved back home to Va. Three months later, I was offered a job in Memphis.
* Pack your bags and go move in with the other friend. New Jersey has plenty of hotels as well. You might even have better luck there.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

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