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Nad92's avatar

I broke my own hymen,how do I tell my fiancé to be?

Asked by Nad92 (192 points ) November 30th, 2012 from iPhone

I was 12 when I was “exploring” myself, when I saw some blood on my finger, I freaked out thinking I scratched myself from the inside, until the text day when I got my period so I was relieved. UNTIL the following year when a teacher was telling us in class about how important a woman’s virginity was and the hymen..etc! I’m 20 now and since I’ve always been stressed about this thing! I have a loving boyfriend now, he’s never touched or seen me “down there” and he will be coming for my hand in marriage next year and I’m terrified. I live in Jordan and an intact hymen is super important! I know he loves me but it’s such a major thing here, what if he doesn’t believe me or doubt me in the future! I don’t know what to do! Im still a virgin but without the proof!

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69 Answers

tedibear's avatar

I’m going to take a guess on what happened when you were 12. I think that they blood you saw when you were 12 was just the start of your period. Even at 48, mine will do a little start and stop on the first day.

Since you’re 20 and soon to be engaged, I suggest that you go to a gynecologist for a check up. The doctor should be able to tell you if your hymen is intact. Keep in mind too, that if the doctor does an internal exam she/he might accidentally break your hymen. I’m not sure how that situation would be handled in your culture. I would hate for a doctor’s appointment to be the cause of a lot of problems for you. What happens with girls who ride horses or do gymnastics? Those things can cause stretching or breaking. (That doesn’t always happens – just occasionally.)

filmfann's avatar

Many girls break their hymen while exercising. Don’t freak out. You are still a virgin.

Nad92's avatar

Umm well honestly.. This is embarrassing..a few years after my “exploring stage” I went into a rebellious stage where I didn’t care about the Arab men and their stupidity (I’m part german btw so I’m very open minded to the people here) well in that rebellios stage I did more than putting a finger there.. Now that I’ve matured quite a bit I understand how big of a deal the hymen thing is.

Nad92's avatar

Filmfann:I know I’m a virgin.i had loads of girl friendS that have screwed around with so many guys but never had sex from the front but they go marry and claim to be saints!its so unfair!

tedibear's avatar

Does your boyfriend know about this rebellious stage? Not knowing enough about your way of life, I don’t know if it’s something you can talk to him about. Would he dump you for going through a normal teenage rebellion or would he understand that these things happen? Especially if you tell him that you love and respect him and would hate for one stage of your life to damn you in his eyes.

Nad92's avatar

That’s the thing,we’re so good together and we love each other alot.. But when it comes to a subject as serious as this I can’t predict his answer.im afraid I tell him then he’d see me differently. Or got forbid in the future we’d argue about something and he’d use that against me. We’re madly in love now but you know what time does to relationships.i don’t think he’d dump me! At least I hope he wouldn’t.hes in palestine now and I’m in Jordan and we only talk on the phone and Skype.i don’t want to tell him now caus if his reaction is really bad he could simply cut me out of his life.but if he were here I could go to his house or sth.

tedd's avatar

Frankly I don’t think the hymen is all that important. If you value virginity then all that would matter is whether or not you’ve had what you consider sex, which in this case sounds like it would be penis in vagina copulation.

Hymen’s break very easily before sex, in fact I believe both virgins I was with had already broken theirs before we ever had sex (and that shows you how important it was, I’m not even positive). If your b/f is so upset because a vestigial piece of flesh you were born with broke prior to it being broken by his penis, more than he cares about you (or for that matter cares that there’s not been another penis where his is going), then he’s not worth your time.

Nad92's avatar

Thanks ted.you made me feel a bit better. but you don’t understand the culture here.people kill their own daughters over things like this. PERSONALLY i was whipped by the satellite wire 34 times (how do i know!i counted the marks on my body!) caus this guy I used to talk to went and told my dad I had a relationship with him after I told him I didnt want to be in a relationship with him!

Nad92's avatar

I can’t go up to him and be like “babe listen I have sth important to tell you,what I was 12 I broke my OWN hymen but I swear no one has ever touched me” it’s not that easy!

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 That’s pretty messed up with the wire, and honestly I’m not very fond of a culture that objectifies a woman and her hymen like that.

But anyways…. to be honest, you probably don’t have to tell him at all. Both virgins I was with still bled the first time. Unless you’ve been shoving 2-liter bottles up there it’s going to be tight and a full sized penis will probably cause it to bleed… and moreover unless he’s been sleeping around with a bunch of virgins, how in the heck is he going to know the difference?

dabbler's avatar

How likely is it that your fiance will notice? Is it likely that he will be exploring ‘down there’ with the intent of qualifying you – and will he know what he finds when he does?

You know the real story, you are an actual virgin. I think you should be at peace with that.
If you act nervous with your intended then he may get suspicious and come to wrong conclusions despite the truth.

Nad92's avatar

Hhaha no nothing like that’s been shoved up there! Haha he’s a virgin. It’s more of the principle you know. And I don’t know but I guess his dad or mom or maybe his friends have talked with him on the bleeding part! I guess I feel like I did something really bad(even tho I know I definitely didn’t) but its like this big “bad” secret that I haven’t told him and I’m afraid of his reaction! That’s the problem with Arabs! They live their lives in black and white. And thanks,that happened a year ago and I won’t say I’m over it but I try to forget.but I’m not worried if he dumps me that he’d tell everyone that I was “opened” I trust him that way lol

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 Yah honestly I doubt he’ll even know the difference. You’re a virgin, and if that’s what he wants then that’s what he’s getting. Just be confident about it, you know the truth. Some tiny piece of flesh, that can be broken by stretching too far or running too hard, doesn’t make a bit of difference. And trust me, you will still bleed.

Nad92's avatar

Like what I’ve found out from my married friends is that when their husband them(can they feel the hymen break?) they withdraw and I guess they check their privates or the sheets! Im not too sure! should I tell him now if I see the timings right or do I tell him when he comes back to Jordan and find the right timing then. Or right before he asks for my hand in marriage or right after we’re engaged or before we’re married or on the wedding night(tho this is the less likely option since its should be a special night not the night we fight lol)

Nad92's avatar

And I’m 100 percent sure I broke my hymen so I’m 100% sure I won’t bleed! This hymen thing is really stupid!

JLeslie's avatar

If you lived in America or some other western country I would say your lucky. Getting that whole hymen problem out of the way is a positive in my opinion. Since you live in a place that puts so much importance on such thing, I have no idea what to tell you. I have no idea if your fiance will be a total asshole or not.

He won’t feel your hymen break if you had one, but he might expect some blood if he was raised to believe all virgins bleed. I would think girls have broken hymens all the time and are virgins where you live just like in America. It probably won’t be a big deal.

Nad92's avatar

That’s what I’m curious about,I doubt I’m the only one who has a broken hymen and is still a virgin! But from those who do get married how do they get away with it! I can’t imagine them all doing that hymen replacement surgery or those red pills or whatever!

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 Neither virgin I was with had an intact hymen, and they both bled. Several non-virgins I’ve been with who simply hadn’t had sex in several years also bled.

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JLeslie's avatar

@Nad92 I broke my hymen when I was a kid. It’s such a nothing thing. If your fiance is not requiring you go to a doctor before marriage to be checked, I would not worry at all.

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 lol, why would I take offense to you calling my penis large?

Trust me though, that’s not why (though you can also trust that my penis is just utterly massive). I have talked with several of my friends about this over the years, and their stories are pretty much all in unison with mine.

Nad92's avatar

So you think I shouldn’t tell him!? But what if he finds out and after the wedding night I didn’t bleed and he got worried and asked me to go to a gyno! The docs gonna know it broke a long time ago

Nad92's avatar

Ted! Hahaha good for you!

I really hope you’re right!!!

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 Well even if the doctor figures it out, that’s private between you and the doctor.

Look honestly, if the hymen is such a big deal to your beau that he would throw your entire relationship into chaos over it, even though you’re still very much a virgin, then he’s not worth your time.

JLeslie's avatar

Your culture is too different. There is no way for any of us on the Q so far to know what your fiance expects or will do. Hopefully someone from your culture will find this Q. Can you confide in your mother? Or, an older relative?

I still say if it is very important to him he would have you checked before the marriage.

Nad92's avatar

But this is the culture here, this is how he was brought up!he might be educated and from a very well know and high classes family but that’s the basis of any good Arab woman! I can’t really blame him, seldom do men mature enough outside the box and understand the work in a way that’s different to what they’ve be taught

Nad92's avatar

Jleslie:my moms a doc but well she’s totally outta her mind! I can’t go to her.. Tho I could ask my aunt (but she’s also foreign)

JLeslie's avatar

@Nad92 I’m not blaming, just saying we are not familiar with what might happen.

I hope you raise your sons differently than your culture. You can be the beginning of change.

JLeslie's avatar

Meanwhile, I think of Jordan as being one of the more rational countries in the middle east.

glacial's avatar

You may or may not have broken it… and that doesn’t matter to you or to us. The problem is, will your husband expect to see evidence of a hymen breaking that night? Does he expect blood on the sheets? Because whether or not there is blood on the sheets is not proof of your hymen being intact either. Consider: if you did break your hymen when you were 12, would you have seen the blood unless you had inserted your finger? So there’s no way to ensure winning or losing on this issue. If you can’t talk to him about this (and I guess you can’t, if you are afraid it will make him suspicious), then you just have to hope that he has enough sense to not care whether or not there is visible proof of something he should know already.

Nad92's avatar

Oh definitely,I’m obviously not the most orthodox Muslim or Arab!im part German and Indian and Pali and Jordanian and I’ve also lived in India with Christian grandparents and an aunt and my mom who converted! So I definitely see things differently so hopefully I’ll teach my kids good values

Nad92's avatar

True,I heard the blood from it is so little gets mixed up with all the other body fluids that it wouldn’t even show!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Nad92 I understand your culture fairly well. My guess is he won’t be that good of a lover that he will be able to feel the difference himself on the first stroke. This is a little wacked, but maybe put some blood in your vagina so if he pulls out to check for blood he sees it? I know no blood is a grounds for leaving a wife in your area.

Nad92's avatar

I thought of that,but that’s deceit.if he finds out he’d think I really did sth and that’s why I was trying to hide it.. I should tell him.. I know deep down I will EVENTUALLY will..but I’m scared! From my comments in making him sound stupid and uptight but he’s really the sweetest guy!maybe im just over reacting..after all we have been together for 1 year and 7 months.. What’s between us is special… But I guess if he really doesn’t believe me when i tell him he’s not as good as I thought he was

dabbler's avatar

Do not tell him anything about your hymen. You have done nothing wrong.
If he’s a virgin he won’t have much idea what’s going on, and if he trusts you he will want to be happy with having you. Let that happen, let him accept you as you are (as he should!).

There is no reason to act anything but innocent, at least because that’s the truth, and also because acting otherwise will invite (nearly mandatory) repercussions due to your social norms there.

tedd's avatar

@dabbler I agree entirely. And like I’ve mentioned, from my experiences and those I’ve heard of other people… there’s a pretty strong chance you will still bleed anyways.

Nad92's avatar

Aaaah that’s another option!!! I’m so confused…

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Nad92 I love your honesty, but is it not deceitful to leave a virgin wife because she didn’t bleed on the wedding night?

Nad92's avatar

That’s why I was thinking of telling him before we get engaged.. If he leaves me(which honestly is very doubtful) then I really wouldn’t care for another relationship and would settle for an arranged marriage I guess ,and then I’ll get that opperation done somehow! Caus then my arrange husband wouldn’t be outta love so it wouldn’t be that important to me then.

tedd's avatar

I need to recuse myself from this.

I cannot grasp this cultural importance on the hymen at all. It stuns me that you would go through surgery to have something so unimportant restored, simply so it could be broken again.

Nad92's avatar

Tedd it’s an honour thing! It’s so stupid! Just like the hijab and jilbab and burqa! I’m a Muslim and I’m allowed to say that lol. Here the men are such assholes! I’d walk down the street and men would blow me kisses and yell dirty words at me then they go to their homes and make their sisters wear the hijab as a protection from assholes just like himself!

Nad92's avatar

This may not be the best culture but it’s definitely not the worst.. good things do come out from a religion like this.. In the east people aren’t allowed to express themselves when it comes to sex so adultery is rare here and in the west sex is so common it’s sickening.. Wish there was a country in between where sex isn’t a forbidden but still not encouraged.

tedd's avatar

@Nad92 Well I’m not gonna turn this into a debate about cultural norms or the type of men you’re looking for…. but personally I would consider that a pretty big negative in a potential life long partner.

So I change my vote, I say tell him. If he can’t handle it, go find someone who can. You aren’t a piece of property, and you haven’t done anything wrong. If the hymen was supposed to be some all important sign of honor from god, he wouldn’t have made it so incredibly easy to break. If he dumps you because yours is broken, then quite frankly you deserve a man, not some child in a grown mans body.

dabbler's avatar

He has every reason to want everything to be ok, at least because otherwise he HAS TO make a fuss that can be catastrophic for your relationship. He would be obliged to make the fuss. If he’s an understanding man who would not make a fuss then he’s also not going to make a fuss with whatever he finds on wedding night.
The trouble you invite ‘telling him’ is simply unnecessary. I think if you bring it up you are guaranteeing a scandal. You might as well simply call the whole thing off (and give NO reason) instead of telling him.

I still think you should not tell him anything. You are innocent in all the important senses of the word. Stick with that, know that, be at peace with that, live that.

In fact I’ll go so far as to say that ‘telling him’ is dishonest in this case because in your culture it will mean something that it should not. It will misrepresent that you have done something wrong.

If in fact you think you have done something wrong, and won’t be at peace until you are punished for it, then go ahead and get punished, tell him.

That I think is the conflict at the center of your dilemma, you actually feel guilty per your cultural standards, even though you know you are not by your personal soul’s standards.
If you are like most of us this won’t be the only time in your life you are faced with internal discord. Personally I advise to forgive yourself and take the course of least likely trouble.

Nad92's avatar

Dabbler.. Great advice! That’s prolly the same thing my aunts going to tell me.

gailcalled's avatar

The first time that I had intercourse, I had no pain and no bleeding. Every body is different. If I had had to present evidence of an intact and then ruptured hymen, I would not have been able to do so. There are many women like me.

JLeslie's avatar

I really think this is all in your head and nowhere in his. He loves you, he trusts you are a virgin, you are a virgin.

However, if you feel so worried over this, that you are keeping a secret from him, then go ahead and tell him. Tell him your concern about what might be his expectation. That you are pretty sure you broke your hymen when you were very young, you have no idea for sure, but that you are worried he might inspect the area or something, and you don’t want him to be dissappointed. Hopefully, he will comfort you and tell you it wasn’t even in his mind. But, it is a risk. A risk that he will never think of you quite the same. I have a friend who had an abortion and she told her boyfriend, now husband, and she feels he still judges her about it. I think she never should have told him, it happened before she ever knew him. I think there is a good chance he doesn’t think about it, they are a lovely, caring, couple, but in her head she feels her own guilt about having done it.

On another note, I really doubt Arab men don’t cheat. They treat women like property are extremely macho, and in some countries have multiple wives. They seem to think it is just fine to have sex with many different women. You said yourself they have no problem harrassing women as they walk down the street and then want their wives and daughters wrapped up like a burrito head to toe. They don’t trust other men, because they are not trustworthy themseves, which means there have to be a bunch of untrustworthy men regarding sex in that culture. I don’t mean all Arab Muslim men, I have wonderful Arab and Persian friends, both men and women, most are very western in their thinking and values. Oh, and the women tend to be gorgeous, but that is besides the point.

I think after what you said about your mother, you just have guilt because of your mother and how conservative she is.

wundayatta's avatar

If this is that important to you, then you must not leave things to chance. You must make sure you bleed on your wedding night.

But why are you entering into a marriage where such a charade is so necessary? Why can your husband not accept you for who you are despite your culture? Is he that traditional? If so, then how can you expect any happiness with him?

It seems to me that you are more concerned with acting proper than with being happy. I know many people who have lived their lives that way to their regret. Being yourself can be difficult, especially when you are going against a culture, but I assure you you will be glad you did when you are 50. It is never worth being fake, no matter what culture you live in, especially when you are already the genuine item: a virgin.

Your concern about this is worrisome. Do you worry about other issues as well? Do you have serious anxiety in other areas? Frankly, I am worried about your state of mind. Do you have access to therapy, by any chance? I’d be surprised if you do. Islamic cultures don’t seem to be very friendly towards psychotherapy.

But what you want, I believe, is to be honest with your future husband. If you want to tell him, fine. If he can’t handle the truth, then I don’t think it would be good for you to be with him. You need to be able to talk about what you want to talk about. You need to be able to be who you are. You need his trust. If he can’t give you those things, then it would be better not to be with him. Or with any man, if you can’t find a man who is trustworthy in your country.

Nad92's avatar

Jleslie:Wow!!! That was the best answer! I’m going to do what you said.. And I guess it would be in my head,if this stupid thing is too much for him well then were just not meant to be! Thank you so much!! Imma wait till he comes bk to Jordan and sit with him and quietly tell him everything and hope he loves me and trusts me as much as I think he trusts me.

JLeslie's avatar

Good. Let us know if it all goes well. I am inclined to think it will. Knowing you can tell your husband anything is a great feeling.

Nad92's avatar

Wundatatta:umm well if I don’t go along with my culture I’d just be the odd duck out! and I already am!! I’m not religious! Not even a tiny bit!and my views on religions baffle the people I know! I live in a certain condition and I just have to deal with it till I can get out of it. You cant tell me I should man up and stand up to what I believe when you’re not in my situation. I thank you for your advice but it’s easier to say than do. Basically this is my life. Uni-house day in day out I hardly ever go out with my friends. I have to wear long tops(like almost knee length) or my dad threatens me to wear the abaya(that long black dress you see the Arabs wearing) I wear short tops when I know my dad wouldn’t see me that day. I have to walk a certain way and eat a certain way and sit a bloody certain way!anything else I get yelled at!my dads a good educated man but with major anger issues!of course not all Arab girls are as cooped up as me.. I live a very tough life!i was regularly beaten,spat directly in my face!say it and I’ve had it! I might have a car,a good education,expensive clothes the outter appearance is everything in my culture!i have very big dreams!but if I want any of my dreams to come true I need to be patient!i had planned to runaway to London for more than 6 years!everything to the smallest detail.. But then I stood back looked at my situation. If I left, then my dad or anyone of my elatives would have definitely come after my and killed me!im sure you’ve heard of the honour kill! Even if I didn’t get caught I would be alone in a strange country I would have to work really hard to support myself on my own,I wouldn’t have been able to finish my studies! I’m playing it smart! The guy I’m with is amazing!none of his family members wear here hijab,they go out in short skirts and sleeveless tops.theyre all educated and very high classed and I’ve meet them all,very sweet and respectful.and they’re Arab! If I had runaway I wouldn’t have met him!good men in this country are RAREEEEEE and I found one!and that’s why I’m afraid of loosing him!hes my good luck!ive been praying for happiness for years and he came true! And I’m not even the romantic kinda person but that’s what it is.i know him inside out but when it comes to sth like this I worry because you can never expect his reaction!arab men are very different than the westerns!but I’ve made up my mind now.. I didn’t expect such support from so many kind people!i was so down and so worried , you all gave me the courage to face him and tell him about it!and make me feel good about my self again! i just wish I had done this a long long long time ago!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Nad92 I think you should feel him out very carefully in a generic way and get his views on the idea before you decide to tell him or not. If it is a deal breaker with him then make your decision. I don’t see it as deceiving him because the males there deceive themselves into thinking it’s a difference. But it is big thing in the culture among men.

Nad92's avatar

Wundayatta:umm is that a pic of a bum? Lol sorry

Nad92's avatar

That’s what imma gonna do,casually tell him I was reading on the Internet some articles and bring up a few random subject including the hymen thing and see what he says…and defend the case obviously so at least he’ll sorta get the heads up 0:)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Good luck, however you decide to play it.

Nad92's avatar

Thanks a lot Adrion x

whitenoise's avatar

I think you might want to consider learning a bit more about the anatomy of your body. Your hymen are not something that you would normally break.

There is not something as a torn hymen. Please check this youtube-video… it’s enlightening, relax and enjoy life.

JoeyOhSoClever's avatar

If you know you broke your hymen and its a big deal to the men there, but you know you are still a virgin, then I would hope you are going to be super protective over your virginity now. If you have doubt in your mind that your fiance might judge you after intercourse it would be wise to talk to him before and make sure that he is not going to freak out. Because if he does then you’ve lost both your hymen and your virginity. Gotta talk about it with him.

JLeslie's avatar

@JoeyOhSoClever Super protective of her virginity? WTF does that mean? Your answer makes no sense to me.

Nad92's avatar

@joeyohsoclever she means that since I know I dont have my hymen and I didnt use it as an advantage to sleep around and I should keep myself pure. Dont worry Ive known for years and I’ive never let anyone touch me except for my boyfriend and hes never even gone anywhere down the belt. Im a good girl lol

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Nad92's avatar

I talked to my aunt and she told me not to mention anything to him, it was something I did when I was very young and I shouldn’t let it effect my future. I didn’t do anything wrong and It’s my body and what I did is normal and nothing to be ashamed off. If on our wedding night notices that I didn’t bleed and he asks me to see a doctor I should know he wasn’t worth my time! Oh and tedd you were right!!non virgins do bleed sometimes!!! I should just be at peace with myself and stop feeling guilty about something so silly. Thank you all for your help. Xx

JLeslie's avatar

Virgin is virgin whether the hymen is intact or not. Virgin means someone who has not had sex. Isn’t that what these horrid men are so concerned about? That they are the only one to have “had” the woman? Thinking about it in terms of a piece of anatomy is just idiotic, provincial, prudish, from the dark ages way of thinking about. Sorry, but it just drives me crazy.

Follow your aunt’s advice. She loves yu, she knows the culture, and she probably knows best.

gailcalled's avatar

“Virgin” is traditionally defined as one who has not had sexual intercourse.

@Nad92: Non-virgins bleed all the time. You are a virgin by the broadest definition. That is all that matters.

Virgins often do not bleed when having intercourse for the first time.

JoeyOhSoClever's avatar

@JLeslie What I meant was that @Nad92 feels like if she doesn’t show blood she has no proof of her virginity. Regardless of what anyone else thinks she knows deep down she is still a virgin. So what I was suggesting was that hopefully she would be careful with who she decides to give it up to, being that the men there are so culture driven, her fiance after intercourse could decide that he felt she deceived him and leave. Therefore, leaving her with a broken hymen and no longer a virgin. So it would be a good idea to talk to him about it before they do anything so that she could trust him not to leave after intercourse.

gailcalled's avatar

@JoeyOhSoClever: She will be “giving it up” to her husband on their wedding night. That’s not being careful enough?

JLeslie's avatar

My reaction was to the idea that just because a young girl does something to cause her to tear or stretch her hymen, has nothng to do with whether she would let a man touch her. As if a girl thinks, “well, I’m not a virgin, might as well have sex.” I just can’t wrap my head around how anyone can think that. I understand what you are now saying @JoeyOhSoClever that since she values her virginity you don’t want her to be in a situation where she loses it and then the guy leaves her an hour later. I don’t think there is any chance of it happening after what the OP said about her fiance and what her aunt said.

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civlala's avatar

I’m curious to know what happened… did you end up talking to him?
Did you check with a doctor? I know it’s a terrifying situation. I would rather not get married than get married and unjustly be thought of as “impure” just for not producing “proof”. It is not fair at all.

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