Why do I do this? And how can I fix it?
I was dumped a few months ago and I basically fell apart. The relationship (if you can even call it that lasted a month). Thinking back to when we were breaking up, I became the girl I never wanted to be. I think a part of me wanted to break up with him so I was looking for excuses and when I found one (the fact that he told his friend something I asked him not to), I tried to end it. But instead of saying I wanted to break up I turned it around so that he would want to break up with me. Don’t know how but I did. And when he did, I freaked out and tried to save the relationship by becoming somewhat desperate and saying things like I am insecure that is why I do things like that. Which is true. When he wouldn’t hear of it, I became angry and bitter. So I went from being desperate to angry and bitter. I have no clue what I wanted. I had a chance to get back together with him but my anger stopped me and now I can’t stop reliving it.
After we broke up, I started looking at my dating record and I noticed that is a pattern. When I get together with somebody I am interested and want to be with them but along the way, I look for reasons to end it. When they pull away, then I want them back because I think I made the worst mistake ever. It’s crazy I know.
I talked to a few people about this and they said it is because of my low self esteem and especially my depression. I don’t think I am good enough so I push them away when they try to get in to deep. Another reason is that I see and hear what is happening with couples (divorce, breaking up after long time, girls getting pregnant and being abandoned, abuse) and I worry that will happen to me. My mom is bad for contributing to this. In my recent dating experience, the guy was kind of pushy about sex. Since I am a virgin and wanted to wait until I was ready, this made me uncomfortable. I told him this, especially when we were breaking up. Anyway, when I told my mom that he was being pushy, she told me about this one girl who gave it up to a wrong guy (who at the time thought was right for her) and now regretted it. Then she told me about the times when guys only wanted her for sex, etc. I guess this stayed with me and when I noticed him being pushy, I freaked out. The thing is I don’t know for certain if he was or not. Maybe he was acting normal and I just interpreted it as being pushy. I don’t have any clue anymore what is real or not.
How can I fix this?
P.s. I am 22, never been in a relationship, avoided them, this past relationship was my first, parents are married- they fight but are usually happy with each other, there is a lot of divorce in my family and I don’t really want to talk to a psychologist because I have an idea why I am acting this way, I just want to know how to fix it. Thanks :)
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