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readergirl119's avatar

Do I love her?

Asked by readergirl119 (60 points ) July 24th, 2008

I have this friend that I was really close with. I feel like I love her. I don’t know how to tell her or my parents or my kids (I divorced my husband) that. I don’t even know if I really love her. I spent all last night crying and trying to figure it out. In fact I’ve been doing that for the past week and a half. Can anyone help me?

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34 Answers

ezraglenn's avatar

This is really something that the collective can’t answer. Love is about you, not us.

robmandu's avatar

Not to put too fine a point on it, but are you saying you mean you want-to-get-horizontal-love her?

flyawayxxballoon's avatar

This is a question for yourself. None of us know anything about you or your friend. I wish I could help, but this is a decision that only you can make.

girlofscience's avatar

Can you describe, more specifically, how you feel about her? I have a few girlfriends that I know I love, but it’s not causing me any grief in my life. My boyfriend and cat are both happy for my strong friendships.

readergirl119's avatar

I feel like when I’m not around her I’m alone. LIke she’s everything in my life. I’m not asking you to tell me if I love her, I just want to see if anyone knows how to tell her I do.

girlofscience's avatar

I’m not exactly sure why you feel as if you shouldn’t tell her you love her. If you’re unsure about telling her you love her, then it seems your friendship is not as close as you believe. My girlfriends and I don’t think twice about saying it to each other!

chaosrob's avatar

You mention divorcing a husband but being in love with a female friend. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but the fact that you were married to a man but you’re now attracted to a woman suggests that you might be coming to terms with being gay fairly late in your life.

From the fact that you got married and had kids, I’m guessing you were looking for one kind of life, and it didn’t work out that way at all. I’d guess this is probably a very confusing and frightening time for you.

Two pieces of advice: First, don’t do anything unalterable in your life right now. Get yourself settled down and feeling a little more comfortable in your skin before you do anything to radically alter any more relationships.

Second, please find a professional counselor that you can work with and get some help shoveling through what must seem like an overwhelmingly confusing time. You don’t have to try and remake everything on your own, you can talk to someone with the skills to help you find some confidence and control.

robmandu's avatar

@reader, you’ve been married before?!

I don’t understand how you cannot know for yourself. And also apparently not know that there’s a difference between the feelings of infatuation and the act of love (not the horizontal).

I think you know the answer to this question already.

waterskier2007's avatar

not to rant but i really dont get how people post questions about “do i love this person” etc. love is inside you, and honestly if you dont think you love someone then no matter how complicated it may see, you probably dont. but if you think you do then you probably do love them

marinelife's avatar

I am assuming there would not be the angst here unless you are trying to decide if you have romantic feelings for your woman friend.

While this must seem huge to you and possibly the biggest thing in your life while meanwhile everyone around you goes on oblivious, resist the impulse to blurt your feelings out just yet.

My concern would be that your situation makes you needy. You’re divorced; you have children. Those are things that put a lot of pressure on you. Even if you do love her and she has feelings for you in return, no one person can meet all of another person’s needs. You need to be secure in yourself. You need to be OK when she is not around, and you are alone.

Put a big caution, slow sign up in your brain. First of all, you don’t know what you would tell her. You have said you are not sure how you feel, Next, you don’t know (or have not said) that she has romantic feelings for you. If you told her and she did not, what would happen then?

You don’t say how long you have been out of your marriage. How did you feel about that break-up? Emotional experts say (wisely) it takes a year to process all the feelings from a broken marriage (especially when the person was the father of your children). They strongly recommend not getting into another romantic entanglement during that time.

If you have romantic feelings for your friend that are real and true, they will not go away if you don’t tell her. I think you need to just be with your feelings by yourself right now until you can be sure of what you feel, until you can be sure your feelings are true and not because you are just lonely and desperate to have someone in your life. (Perfectly understandable if you did feel that way, just not a good place to make decisions from.) Try to bring some other friends and other support into your life to help you regain a sense of balance. Doing that will help clarify your feelings for this friend.

If the chaotic “not knowing” continues, think about talking to a counselor who can help you get some clarity and decide what is right for you in terms of telling your friend.

Good luck.

robmandu's avatar

< < wants to replace his answer(s) with Marina‘s.

flyawayxxballoon's avatar

[How long ago was your divorce?]
If your divorce was recent, you might just have feelings for your friend because she was the one that was there for you the most when you were going through the divorce, and now you feel like you need her every time that you’re alone. You should definitely wait for a while to process everything and make sure that your feelings are true. Good luck. =)

readergirl119's avatar

All these answers have helped me a lot. Thanks.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

do you love yourself?

loser's avatar

there’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Are you afraid that your feelings mean that you’re “in love” with her? This may be something that you need to really talk out with someone.

mostra's avatar

hi, i think you have to analyze 3 things:

1.- what happen whit our friend, how is she with you, because is probably that she es in love with you too, but you need to observe her behavior to know what she wants from you.

2.- if your divorce is recent maybe you don want to be alone, nobody likes to be alone buy you need to learn to be happy by yourself.

3.- when you are in love everything is clear is your mind, you feel and you know that is true.

I suggest you dont tell anyone until youre sure about your feelings, but if your friend is as close as you say you should talk to her, before us = )

scamp's avatar

It sounds like you are really struggling with your feeling toward this woman. I wouldn’t tell your family until you have resolved this in your own mind and with the woman in question. If this is a passing thing due to feelings of lonliness after the divorce, there is no need to upset yourself and other family members just yet. If, after giving this a lot of thought and discussing it with your friend, you find it is the real thing, the two of you can form a united front when it comes to telling others.

Take some time to decide how you really feel before acting on it. Then tell your friend you have feelings for her but be prepared for her to shy away from you if she doesn’t feel the same. Friends who fall in love often take a risk of losing the relationship when trying for the next level. If you tell family how you feel about her before telling her, you may find yourself more alone than ever. Good luck to you. One last thing.. you may want to find a lesbian froum online to gain insight and advice from someone who has been in your shoes.

bunkin's avatar

Go with your heart on this one.

strawberryxcupcake's avatar

if you really love her, and it looks like that, you really have to follow your heart! dont think whats the best thing for all?! its important that youre happy! you dont cheat on your husband, thats not the problem! you are how you are and i really think all love you, that will not change! wait to tell it all people. the first thing is to tell her about your feelings!

i think i would hurt you if you dont talk about your feelings. scamp is right, perhabs you should visit a lesbian forum before you tell her what you feel…hope my english was not too bad and i help a bit. good luck! you will do the right thing!

MissAnthrope's avatar

@readergirl119 – So, what happened? Can we get an update? :)

90s_kid's avatar

I think that people should accept that other people are gay. It’s just the way you think. I am not gay myself, but I know someone who is gay and he isn’t mean at all. I am not sure this is good because it might inspire your kids to be gay, but it’s all depending on how you want them to live. Who is more important?

CodyM's avatar

what #1 said

girlofscience's avatar

@90s_kid: Whoa whoa whoa.

First of all, why on earth would you need to qualify that a gay person “isn’t mean”? I didn’t know that was any kind of legitimate assumption…

Secondly, and more importantly, there is no such thing as “inspiring kids to be gay.” Sweet jesus. How absolutely offensive. Homosexuality is an innate attribute. A person cannot be swayed to be neither gay nor straight. There is no significant difference between the percentage of gay children that are raised by same-sex couples as opposed to those raised by different-sex couples. Additionally, some same-sex couples that have adopted children, when questioned about this preposterous claim, have even affirmed that they would prefer their children to be straight, as the world is easier on straight people. No one chooses to be gay.

(But even if people could be “inspired to be gay,” who says that would be a bad thing?)

90s_kid's avatar

So people are born gay…..not my friend. Apparently I didnt know enough lesbianaticness.

CodyM's avatar

Every outcome in life is based on choice. Period.

Nobody is born gay.
Nobody is born a child moleser.
Nobody is born an alcholic.
Nobody is born a pedophile.
Nobody is born a smoker.
Nobody is born an evangelist.
Nobody is born a priest.

These are all the product of our choices in life.

I refuse to think that someone can make the same excuse for being gay as someone who can defend himself for molesting children.

90s_kid's avatar

@ cody m

Exactly

I’m just not as good as you with proving points. :(

girlofscience's avatar

@CodyM: Ugh, you are corret about all of those other than GAY. EVERYONE WHO IS GAY IS BORN GAY. NO ONE CHOOSES TO BE GAY.

YOU ARE FUCKING IGNORANT.

When did you choose to be straight?

90s_kid's avatar

I have this friend that I was really close with. I feel like I love her. I don’t know how to tell her or my parents or my kids (I divorced my husband) that. I don’t even know if I really love her. I spent all last night crying and trying to figure it out. In fact I’ve been doing that for the past week and a half. Can anyone help me?

she was originally straight, now lesbian.

CodyM's avatar

girlofscience: I can tell by your vocabulary that you’re quite the mature person, so I’ll answer you in a very mature way. I chose heterosexuality when I decided that I wanted children. If you say people don’t choose their sexual orientation, you’re essentially saying that every gay person doesn’t want kids, weather they like it or not.

I also choose not to be a racist, cause I love everyone regardless of color.
I choose not to be a sexist, cause I think they’re women out there that can do many things I can’t.
I choose not to be a child molester, because I don’t like seeing young children growing up with strong thoughts of fear around every corner, and going to bed every night tormented by the thoughts of the person who’s wronged them.

I choose not to belittle you or slander you–nor curse you–because I believe everyone deserves love and respect.

This is all based on choice. Homosexuality is not exempt from being a part of your personality anymore than suicidal tendencies and pedophilia, to how you like your morning coffee. There is no reason behind being exempt from every choice in life, except homosexuality.
There is no gray area. There is either a yes, or no.
I apologize if you can’t comprehend free will.

My apologies to readergirl119 for going off track, my initial answer still stands with what #1 said.
Love is for you to figure out, not us.

girlofscience's avatar

@CodyM: I honestly do apologize for my “immature language.” I do not typically use such language, but I got caught in a moment of rage after reading some of the previous responses, and my typing got a bit out of hand and inappropriate.

Anyway, I am not saying that every gay person doesn’t want kids… Many gay people want kids. And have them.

People do not choose to be gay. Just like people do not choose to be male or female. Just like people do not choose to be short or tall.

Not everything in life is a choice.

Noon's avatar

@CodyM
In theory I can agree with you. But you also have to add to the list this:

“Nobody is born straight.”

Cuz sure, if you want to start playing all technical a baby is born without really knowing anything, and can’t even feed itself much less give a detailed explanation as to what it’s sexual preference is.

What we really are talking about here (and which you are choosing to ignore, or maybe not, maybe you actually think babies are born sexual and want to have sex with the opposite gender as soon as they come out) Is that what we are born with is predispositions for many things.

Here are a few more things that I was not born with, but had little to no choice about now (these would be things that were not a matter of the religious concept of free will)

I was not born 6’3” (I am now, and don’t plan on cutting my feet off to become shorter)
I was not born with brown eyes (I was told they were much more on the green side of things, but that is not what I have now)
I was not born bald (But I am balding)
I was not born with my father’s heart disease (but it is now something I have to tell the doctor about if I experience chest pain)
I was not born gay (sure if you want to say it that way, but I had the brain chemistry and hormone chemistry predestined to make me a gay man now.)

As for people knowing people who know people who know people who know someone who is gay because they were molested or what ever. Molestation, tragically, occurs to straight people too. I think it’s funny that people don’t even point out the irony in this logic. Girls who are abused by men become lesbians, boys who are abused by men become gay? Umm….how about this statement, which logically works much better, males abuse people more than females, and it does not change the sexual preference of those they abuse.

MissAnthrope's avatar

CodyM, I hate to rain on your parade, but please trust us when we say no one chooses to be gay. I had crushes on girls years before I knew anything about sex, my first one, I was 4 years old.

I urge you to look more into this subject. Being gay does not preclude people from having children, thanks to technology and adoption. Being gay does not make people any less maternal/paternal or make them long any less for kids of their own. I’m a biologist and I’m absolutely convinced that sexual orientation is set once a kid pops out of the womb. Personally, I believe it’s the hormonal environment of the womb, but others think it’s genetic. Whatever it is, it’s very clear to me that 99.9% of gay people had no choice in the matter. The remaining 0.01% perhaps made a choice to live straight or whatever, but it goes against their makeup.

I don’t know if you have these beliefs because you don’t know many gay people, or what it is. Maybe you should make an effort to talk to some gay folks and see when they first realized they were attracted to the same sex. Very often, it’s at a pre-sexual age, so how can it be a choice?

justwannaknow's avatar

Ask yoursef, Are you in “love” or just in “heat”. Being lonely can confuse these issues.

NuGoonie23's avatar

Oh wow. It seems like this thread has gone into a whole other discussion other than what the question was really asking. It happens.

Anyways, @readergirl119 How are you feeling right now? I agree with @MissAnthrope it’s always good to have updates!
=)

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