How traumatic is it to be put into assisted living?

Transitions late in life can be very hard. Moving into assisted living in and of itself is not necessarily traumatic, but it can be if the person feels they are being forced into something and have no choices.

There should be a social worker that can help her transition more easily. And her family, if they are the ones moving her or making decisions, should be including her in all decisions. After all, it is her life.

“Assisted Living” is not some kind of prison, it is a broad description of various kinds of residential concepts, from light housekeeping being supplied on up to (but not including) nursing home care. Your friend is not being “put into assisted living”, she is choosing to go somewhere that will ease the day-to-day living burdens.

Perhaps it is the moving itself that is being traumatic for her.

She had a choice: move back to her big home where she watched her husband die over a years’ time or go to assisted living. She could not make up her mind. She wanted her son and/or daughter in law to do it for her. I wouldn’t tell her what to do; I did tell her I would want to stay in my home . They designed it together. But she says the house reminds her too much of him and that is just what I would want.

I’ve heard many people come to love the socialization aspect.

*I’m really interested in this question because I’m moving my mother in with us, in our home, and some days she acts like it’s a huge relief and other days she acts as if it’s prison.

@KNOWITALL Oh, dear. I hope your mother comes to accept your generosity and is relatively happy. Seven days a week of crying and complaining really wears on a family and friends. Fast. If your loved one can drive a car I don’t see how “prison” could enter into it. But if she cant drive she may grow to expect outings like going to the movies, going shopping, etc which many couples cannot do since they work full time.

I don’t know from personal experience. My parents died young and their siblings are relatively young by today’s standards.

But from my point of view, it would be pretty creepy knowing I was moving into God’s Waiting Room.

Maybe your friend’s adult children are urging and encouraging her to go to assisted living because of things going on that you may not know about. Maybe they feel she would benefit from being watched or maybe she needs the physical assistance (cleaning, help with stuff around the house). Also, I can tell you what happened with my grandfather. He fell prey to a predator in the neighborhood who tried to get him to co-sign a loan and who probably got some cash payments from him, under the guise of being his friend and hanging around. My grandfather was lonely and this person would come watch TV with him and stuff like that, and so my grandfather got to trust him and was saying the only person he trusted was “Bill.” There’s more to the story but we had to put my grandfather in a nursing home before he ended up signing over the house or whatever might have happened.

What I think may happen with your friend is that the staff at the assisted living will get her to partake in some social activities and hopefully she will grow to like it.

I realize that it appears a senior is safer in assisted living. But, then , both my parents died in a nursing home as did my inlaws and my dad had a stroke in two of them. Is that protection?
I know she can cook a meal for four but whether she can drive is iffy at best. She had a seizure, a big one, two years ago and three or four strokes. I also fear the language barrier of her being Hispanic with a very strong accent will hinder her making friends. I understand ¾ of what she says but these women will be strangers.

I’ve seen both.

Seniors that move into assisted living facilities and thrive. And seniors that move into assisted living facilities and lose that spark in their eyes.

I think the difference is whether or not the move was something they chose for themselves or something that was decided for them.

Probably a combination of wanting autonomy and the desire to feel wanted by your family.

Either way, I hope this is a good transition for your friend.

I’d say it’s a normal way to feel about it, the dreading of it and all that. The ideal scenario is for humans to simply and calmly accept that these things are inevitable. But realistically, it’s not going to happen that way.

Yes; I agree we all need to accept that if we live long enough we’ll be “put somewhere.” We need to think about it a lot.

In that case, it sounds like some serious grief is affecting her. The house reminds her too much of her varied, but moving will be taking her away from the comfort of memories. I am sorry your friend is going through this, maybe you can reassure her that she’ll make friends pretty quickly (most such communities work pretty hard to be welcoming and have interests for everybody) There are advantages as well, shuttles to shopping, maybe a communal dining room if she doesn’t want to cook.

I hope she becomes happier, this is a very hard time for her.

Thank you @canidmajor . I’ve told her about their shuttle and not having to cook or clean but she never, ever says one positive word about anything. And yes; they have a dining room. I’m fairly sure she wont have a microwave in her room ; I don’t know yet.

@Aster: Most assisted living doesn’t refer to nursing home-type situations. Assisted living most likely refers to some light housekeeping, maybe a meal shared at a dining hall, and staff providing activities and events, including shuttle to plays and outings. When you say your parents died in a nursing home, that’s most likely not the same scenario as what your friend is going into.

@josie Assisted Living is not “God’s waiting room”. That is a nursing home. Trust me.

An acquaintance of mine, her mother loved it. She had company during the day, activities, the staff was very nice. She still had all her mental capacity basically, but physically she needed help.

A friend of mine here where I live, her mom is very happy too where she is living. Both she and her husband were living there, but he past away a few months ago.

Both of the people above had a child that lived nearby and were visited often by family.

My grandmother never wanted to go to assisted living, but towards the end, my sister felt that she would have been better there. She stayed in her home until she died though, with help coming to the house.

Some assisted living is awful. Patients being neglected is probably some of the worst of it. Neglect can lead to serious patient harm.

They say you should shop for the assisted living facility you would be ok living in, so if your children ever need to put you in one, at least you chose it when you had all your faculties, and your children will know the place was your choice.

Where I live they have facilities you can live in while you are still totally compos mentis and able to care for yourself, but they supply a meal a day (some places it’s 2 meals) and transportation. Some places you rent a small apartment, some you buy it. Then, as you age, if you start to need help, then you become part of their assisted group within the same complex. My paternal grandfather was in a place like that also the last few years of his life. I always saw my grandpa as very lonely, but he was slightly hard of hearing, and had had a very very difficult life. He also had lost his wife, my grandma, quite young, he was in his early 50’s when she died.

I have no children. I hope to God I have good care when I am older. It’s a little terrifying.

It’s a normal way to feel. But assisted living places vary greatly, from nightmarish awful terrible places, to extremely nice ones.

My Grams couldn’t wait to go into one & she loved being there. She constantly had people to interact with which was exciting to her as almost all her friends had died & very few people visited her. She thoroughly loved being able to socialize!!! My Gramps hated it from day one & he never got past his dislike until he passed on.

Now that I’m getting to the age where assisted living is becoming a possibility in the not so distant future, I’m just trying to put it off as long as I can remain independent. At the same time, I realize that will be part of my reality within the next 10 years or so. I’m a lot like my Grams so I think I will enjoy being around people my own age who can talk about the things I enjoy discussing. At the same time, I’ve heard way too many horror stories to feel completely comfortable just jumping into it.

Part of your friend’s concern might be the quality of care she may receive. Those places can be quite expensive & many widows don’t have the cash flow to receive the care they feel they deserve.Of course, a lot of her emotions are driven by her grief & the fact that her life was turned upside down the day her husband passed. Once she gets settled in, she might find it much more enjoyable than she thought it would be.Then again, IF she’s already decided that she’s not going to like it, she might create her own unhappiness!!!

It would had been ideal if someone would had taken her for visits first to the assisted living facility?

Here in our Town of 5000 there is an independent senior apartment block for those that just retired.

This is a place where those that can function well and hare still healthy with no serious illnesses or impediments.

It is like any other apartment block in Town except its only for seniors.

Those that live here and become infirm ( 85 years) or unable to function like cooking etc for themselves then can transfer to the next stage in another apartment where everything is provided .

Meals and housekeeping is provided as well as laundry is done on site for them.

Entertainments are numerous and bus transportation to events and shopping are provided as well.

Generally those that grew up in the same era get along well as their interests coincide.

Here in our town the seniors in the first apartment that is the independent seniors are encouraged to attend events that are offered free at the other complex
( where everything is provided for those that cannot function well on there own).

They are encouraged to attend and socialize and this helps both complexes and is actually a way to acclimatize the upcoming seniors who will one day be in that last complex in there later years.