Moms w/ kids close in age (current or in the past)....Or kids close in age?

Ahh… I love the holidays.

My brother and I never fought over toys because we really didn’t have overlapping interests. I was really into nature and animals, and my brother was really into tech and electronics. So, while I’d get a telescope or an ant farm, my brother would get an r/c car. Maybe try gifts that specifically mesh with their unique interests to prevent conflict.

But if each one just wants what the other one has regardless, I don’t know what to say. I’m sure the other jellies will swoop in with a miraculous solution. Any kid whisperers in here?

Children will generally try to get what others have. It’s human instinct on its most basic level. When one has something and is happy with it, you’d want it to, for the sake of being happy. As we get older, we develop both our social norms and other societal things that help us cope with envy, jealousy, or generally gaining happiness. The question is, do your kids each have two of the SAME toy? Have you tried that? I know it might seem a little silly, or wasteful, but if you haven’t already, try that as an experiment. I’d be interesting, at least from my point of view, to see what their motivation is to gain what the other is using. Because if one child can find a more creative use for the same toy, and enjoys it more, I’d think the one who didn’t would want the EXACT one kid two is playing with, obviously because kid two is having more fun. >.> Care to share?
:)
And I like tonedef’s answer too :)
Mine is just more a process of elimination to find a permanent solution.

EDIT The question should read parents.

Bring on all opinons please!

My boys are a little over eleven months apart. They love to battle over toys, priviledges, and really just about anything else like who said what, who threw the first blow, all that. I have no practical strategies except that with pretty much everything, I buy two. I label them. I buy different colors of the SAME EXACT THING, they find a way to argue. But they also really dig each other and no matter how bad it was, it’s always better later. They are 11 and 10 and still sneak into each other’s room to sleep together and they are best friends. Honestly, any fighting is forgotten not long after it begins.

@courtney: like gimmedat above, whenever practical, I but my 3 and 4 y/o’s two of the same thing. I learned that very quickly.

That does help, but it isn’t always practical. Does one household really need two little people houses, for example?

It just blows my mind….we have enough stuff to outfit a preschool. Invariably, however, one will be playing w/ toy A….the other kid will drift toward toy B. Now the first kid is like “whoa. what the heck is so interesting about that toy…? I better go investigate!” And then the tug of war begins.

It is like dealing w/ two territorial feral cats who are constantly trying to increase their land hold. Or something.

Don’t get me wrong. They do play together. And it is heavenly. But just as often, they don’t…..

@gimmedat. Sigh. You aren’t giving me much inspiration that this will improve. One glimmer of hope for me is that I have a boy and a girl….

Well it does seem that with a boy in a girl, the future might look a little brighter than right now, but like I mentioned, they have yet to grow into that how societal thing of dividing the genders to some extent, particularly on interests.
I do understand that buying two of the bigger things might seem a little impractical.
But at any rate I think the best thing you can do is try to teach them respect for one another. Being forceful about it rarely solves things. Not to say I think you do that now, but I have seen parents who get frustrated with their children and try to control them more. That doesn’t work.
I was at a lecture given by a child psychiatrist. Though the topic was about dealing with “the rocky road of adolescence”, there was a lot about general parenting philosophy, and what tends to work.
I know at that age teaching sharing is difficult, but it is best to work on that. And try not to punish either of them unless they get into a physical fight. Pulling on toys should be something they should be allowed to do, and they should try to learn to sort it out themselves best they can. And for the record, if they do break toys, try not to be guilted into replacing them. Let them learn, as they should start at that age, that they are responsable for their actions, and thats one way to do it. They are given something, and they broke it. It sounds like you have plenty of toys anyways, so it may not be terribly missed for long anyways.
>.> I think I got a little off topic…
Umm.. hope that helps a little more. But feel free to reply and I’ll keep chatting away ^.^
Oh, and consistency… thats nice too… >.>

As far as the occasional broken toy…..unless it is an easy fix, it gets thrown out.
(My husband’s childhood matchbox cars are dying a slow death this way….)

I do try to let them sort it out….but when my daughter’s screaming reaches the shrill level at which my china begins to shatter, intervention is a must.

We work every day on the concept of sharing. It just feels like some days that I am spitting in the wind. Hopefully, one day it will stick.

They blow me away when something we have worked and worked on finally comes to fruition.

Again, sometimes they do just fine. But when they don’t, it is toxic.

I guess we just had a bad day. The whole “sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug” concept.

Today I was the bug.

@Snoopy,
My daughter is the mother of a 2 year old and a 7 month old. The two year old revealed that his mother shared your frustration when he said to me yesterday “Gigi stop! You makin’ me CRAZY!”

:/ I’m quite sorry to hear that’s how the day is/was going.
Yes, younger children can be a handful occasionally, but like you said, which was perfect, its amazing once they start to get the things we try to teach them. :)
(I’m sorry to hear about your husbands cars… aren’t those like, collectibles? Should be careful about that.)
Yes, screaming and shouting is something that should be spoken to them about, because its disrupting, rude, and not the way things get done in the world. Unless you’re Lewis Black.
Hmm…
Sorry if I haven’t been terribly helpful, but really, go easy on the kids. The more freedom you give them to learn on their own, the better off they’ll be, and the better they’ll understand it.

@courtney…..you have been a help. Just chatting helps.

really. thank you.

welcome to fluther, by the way!

@ Judi. I feel your daughter’s pain. Mine are 14 months apart. At least mine are potty trained :)

:) Any time.
Hopefully things will get better and you’ll be living well.
thank you by the way
I don’t think I fit the description of those who should answer too well, but I try my best ^.^

I raised twin boys and they never really fought over toys or things. I’d like to be able to attribute that to my wonderful parenting skills, but I never did anything to prevent their fighting…. They just didn’t. They worked things out. When they got school age they used the paper/sissor/rock thing to decide important matters like who rode shotgun or who got the first turn for something.
Wish I. Could give better advice, but I think I just got lucky on that one.

@basp sigh. Believe me I try. Some days are fine. Today was just a rough one, I guess.

All the better to make me appreciate the good ones, I suppose :)

Interestingly, as night is closing upon us, it appears my daughter is getting a cold. No doubt a contributing factor….

Ask me in like.. 20 years and I’ll be able to help you out, I’m kinda jealous of all you parent-types. I’m only a student of child psychology, philosophy, and child raising. Odd subject for a 17 year old boy, but hey, I try my best. O.O;;;
And I hope that my kids are more like Snoopy’s kids. Not to put your wonderful sounding kids down, basp, but I’d like to have something to learn from.

take it as it comes, CC.

Enjoy and embrace each phase of your life.

:D Thank you very much, Snoopy. :) Will do.

Snoopy, my first two sons are 16 months apart, I have one method that worked when then were younger.

First, I walk up, get down on their level and take the toy (or whatever else they are arguing about). I hold on to the toy and ask one of them to tell me what is going on (when the other starts to speak at the same time I tell them I am listening to this one and they will have a chance to say what they want in just a minute). I hear that child out then look over at the other child and ask them to tell me what is going on. After I have heard them both out I look at them and say something along the lines of “well we only have one of these Lego bricks and you both want to play with it. What are we going to do?” One will usually chime in with “Let me have it.” When I hear that I look at the other and ask if that works for them who of course says it doesn’t, at that point I ask if they have any ideas. They might argue, but I always say “I’ll just hold on to this until the two of you can figure out a plan that works for both of you.” Eventually they will either come up with a plan or move on to something else. After a couple of times of doing this they learn the drill and it gets much easier.

It usually worked pretty well for me with my own kids and when I worked in pre-school classrooms.

FYI, my boys are older now and, like Gimme’s boys (their cousins), they argue like crazy, but they always have each other’s backs and really are great to one another.

One more thing, I have a brother who is a year older than me (my mom had four kids in just under four years). We went round and round growing up, arguing and fighting, the whole enchilada. I have five brothers and sisters total, and aside from Gimme, I am closer to my brother than any of the rest of them, so in the end your kids will probably end up friends.

Thanks SM. Everyone I have ever spoken to who had kids close in age says that they are best buddies.

Despite the impression I may be giving from this thread, I can totally see that happening w/ my two.

:)

I had three children in less than 4 years (first and second are 15 months apart, second and third are 26 months apart). All girls, no less. We did a lot of the ‘same toy, different color’ and no one was allowed to play with one that didn’t belong to them without permission. Rock/paper/scissors has also been a Godsend and is still in use today, now that they are 11, 13 and 14. They don’t always like the outcome, but they do usually accept it! All that said, 3 and 4 year olds are definitely not great at sharing, and will try your patience sometimes. Take heart, it does eventually get better!

@Courtney: You’re doing a great job, 17 year old boy or not! Welcome to Fluther : )

I even go different colored towels for my kids when they were teenagers so they wouldn’t fight over them!

Oh the memories! First, believe me when I say that this too will pass.

My 3 kids are 2 yrs apart in age so we had our share of this problem. Usually if they couldn’t share then nobody got to play with the toy. It was put away until they decided that they could. Of course, if one of them were playing nicely with a toy and the other child came along and grabbed it, that was a totally different story. The person who did the grabbing was put in time out (we didn’t call it that at that time) but it was essentially the same. If the offender couldn’t play nice, he couldn’t play at all. That usually worked ok. Sometimes an attempt was made to give them both a chance to play with it together if it was something that could be shared, with me as moderator. There always seemed to be the one toy that they all wanted to play with and couldn’t be shared. For those I just assigned a play time. (A. gets to play with it until the big hand is on the 12, then R. can play with it until the big hand is on the 6)

This was an especially helpful technique as they got older and wanted to use the computer. Electronic games that had 2 controllers and needed 2 players also put an end to the bickering since 2 people were needed to play. Then they often negotiated this on their own.

Believe it or not, these are the times (irritating as they may be) that are the moldable or teachable moments. So although they may be difficult for you, they are learning important life lessons if you treat these squirmishes as such.

Buying 2 of each toy seems excessive to me unless it’s something small.

Those matchbox cars are worth a lot more than you realize Snoopy!

I must say you are making me dig deep to remember how I handled these things. My kids are adults now. I often told them, as they were crying and fighting, that someday they would really like each other and would be friends. They used to roll their eyes at that. They are now scattered miles apart and they call each other regulary and truly are friends. They are all counting the days till Christmas when they will all be together this year for the first time in a few years.

So make the most of these teachable moments and look forward to the fruits of your labor. (as I am now!)

Here’s an idea: buy games and toys that require cooperation between two: concentration, card games, checkers, chess, etc.

@skfinkel An excellent idea….however my two are 3 & 4….so those games are a bit too old for them. As an example of a slight variation on your suggestion…..I split the game memory in half so they were each playing there own game side by side. We just started this and we are all actually doing much better over the past few days.

In addition….I found this website online: www.starfall.com
More specifically this link: http://www.starfall.com/n/level-k/index/load.htm?f

I have taught them how to use the pad on my laptop….and they are taking turns doing the letters. They are so fascinated w/ this site. If they misbehave or argue (as they did at first) w/ the site, they don’t get to play w/ it anymore. Of late, it hasn’t been a problem.

They do share and do play well together most of the time. It is an ongoing and evolving process. As are the kids themselves….
:)

My oldest knows that the younger one toys are his and that his own are his and that they can share if they are willing to do so..but it’ll be worse when they’re older, i know…sorry i can’t be much help