Why do people keep secrets? (And some other questions..)

Everyone has things in their lives they don’t want the world to know.

Sharing secrets is a way of trusting someone else.

Sometimes we just have to tell someone, if it is anonymous, it’s like telling, without telling.

some people cant handle the truth

@DrBill So you’re implying that it’s therapeutic for the teller? Because it doesn’t seem to do much for the tell-ee.

my great uncle once said
Everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

so i think its just natural to keep things from other people, especially if the secret just makes things more complicated

Sometimes we’re ashamed of something and are afraid of what people might think or say or what the consequenses might be. Sometimes we just like to keep things private. Sometimes we don’t have anyone who we can trust to tell things to, so we keep it to ourselves.

There are many reasons as to why people keep or choose to tell secrets…it depends on who and what the nature of the secret is.

@Allie
I’m not implying it’s therapeutic for the teller, some people just drive themselves nuts because they are not capable of not telling. Exposing who is bot the point, they may change the names, but it is the telling that passifies them.

A site like PostSecret is an online version of the confessional, but without the Hail Marys.

keeping secrets?
maybe it keeps us from hurting others, or so we think…
sharing secrets?
it reminds us of or falibilities as humans and allows us to perhaps forgive ourselfs?

I’m not sure how I classify a secret. I guess there are things that nobody else knows, but in most cases somebody else shares the knowledge of your deed, thoughts or actions. I never tell someone else’s secret, that’s a trust issue. As for my own, I will share a piece of myself when it allows me to commiserate or show shared compassion. As @Bagardbilla said, to share that we are all fallible, and in most cases, forgivable. (yes, I did say most…not all).

I keep secrets because I don’t feel obliged to tell people the item I’m keeping secret. I keep secrets from the closest people in my life, my partner and my mother. Why? Well, why would they need to know the secret item? As they don’t have a need to know, I keep it to myself.

@aprilsimnel draws a great analogy. Some of the reasoning behind going to a confessional would apply to PostSecret. Of course, one difference is that by posting on PostSecret, the entry can become popular and passed around, which is somewhat strange considering a secret is something that’s generally not shared. However, it’s still a secret so long as the people you’re keeping it a secret from don’t know.

I think one reason why people share their secrets on a site like PS is because others can take comfort in their own secrets by reading others’. I read a secret that is far worse than a secret I have, and I may take comfort in knowing that my secret is not as bad as that one, for example.

I have secrets I was told over 30 years ago, and people still share because they know I can keep them.

I had to grow up with secrets. The secrets I kept for my family inevitably involved fear of being punished or being shamed in front of others for their actions if those actions became public knowledge.

If you’re doing something that you know is wrong, or that you know other people believe is wrong, and you want to maintain some social standing and freedom from prison, you aren’t going to tell people your business, are you? Especially if it involves the abuse of children, right? People do a lot of things behind closed doors that would shock most of us to the core if we knew. Nice and decent looking people, who help old ladies with their bags or donate to charity and help out at church. I know, because my aunt was one of those nice people. In public.

I ended up having to go to therapy and tell because the stress from keeping secrets was all too much. Even today, I feel guilt and shame for things that have happened that weren’t even my fault because the nature of keeping some secrets means that you are brainwashed to believe another person’s behavior reflects on you. Will I put something at PostSecret? No, but I know how to write. I can see a roman à clef in my future. Sorry, Auntie. :P

Many things are stigmatizing in our world: being gay, being a member of a race that is discriminated against, being an illegal immigrant, infidelity, polygamy, being mentally ill… so much more. People treat you differently when they know these things about you. They could be scared, or angry, or dismissive of your humanity, or disgusted… and more.

It is no wonder people keep secrets. No one wants to be treated like an outcast.

And yet, these things are usually important parts of our identity, and we want to talk about them, to share them. If we have no friends or family we can trust, then we want an anonymous way to share. If we can’t talk about this stuff, we can’t know how to deal with it, or if anyone else does it, and how they dealt with it. Secrets are awful burdens. Sites like fluther are a gigantic gift to those of us who have done shameful things, especially to people like me who have, no doubt, committed every sin on the books.

I think Postsecret is brilliant. I grew up in a family that had NO secrets (apparently) or if you had them it was wrong… This still screws me up now. Why does everyone have to know EVERYTHING about you!

Sharing secrets with people that don’t know you enables you to express yourself without any judgement which is what we need shoudl be able to do all the time anyway, but sadly we can’t.

Why do people keep other people’s secrets? Because they take seriously the trust that was placed in them. I never, ever betray another person’s confidence. But I also decline to accept a confidence that I don’t believe I can keep.

Why do people keep their own secrets? Probably fear and shame, mostly. In my case, however—there came a point when I had told my husband my last secret. This was when we’d been married about 20 years. (I don’t like to rush some things.) And you know what? I didn’t like the feeling. I didn’t enjoy being without any mystery. I decided that I like myself a little better when I have a secret or two. (It’s sort of like wearing sexy underwear beneath ordinary clothes. Only you know it’s there, and it gives you a little bit of specialness out there in the world of streets and offices.) So I had to go and get myself a few new ones.

@lynneblundell, I agree with you. I think I was influenced by mother, who always said, “You don’t have to tell all you know.” My sons always talked pretty openly to me—still do—but I told them way back when they were young teens, “Your parents can’t know everything about your life. I’m not going to tell you everything about mine.” I wanted them to be sure that we expected them to have their own lives and that it was up to them how much they chose to tell us. I regard this as a very different matter from sneaking around and deceiving, and I think they were always clear on the difference.

@Jeruba you’ve given me shivers…i think that’s a beautiful way to bring up your children. you sound like an amazing mother x

Stupid Secrets are immature.

Yes @ 90’s kid “Stupid Secrets” are immature. But not all secrets are stupid. Some are necessary for reasons that are far beyond your understanding at 14. As your life progresses, I’ve no doubt you’ll see that not everything needs to be shared with everyone. Sometimes it’s wonderful to know something that someone shared with only you.

That’s why I put that. Before I edited it, It said “Secrets are stupid.”

Beautiful.

I believe that some people will tell another person a “secret” to make some one else feel unimportant. In a group setting, say an office (in my situation, an office of 6 girls); one of the girls will take one or two of the other girls in the office into an unoccupied office and close the door. Now, I don’t see any reason for this other than she wants people to know that she is special and she know something that no one else knows except for the few people she chooses and every one else is unimportant. Like you’re not worthy of hearing my secret. It is rude…...

Hiding the things we are ashamed to tell the others, we keep secrets to maintain our identity.

And sometimes you have to keep secrets to not damage yourself or people around.

To protect their lives from people’s judgment