Guys, if a woman you just started dating tells you she is bi-sexual...

Even though I’m not a guy, I am a girl who happens to be bi. My boyfriend just calls me a lesbo sometimes. It’s all jokes, and all in good fun, but I honestly don’t think he really thinks about it.

I would tell her to bring her friend and a bottle of wine. Me luv U both long-time !

She can tell me shes bi-sexual and attracted to girls, yeah my mind will wander but until i see it in action its all just wandering.

bi, gay, straight…. these are not labels that should be important if like you say it’s someone you genuinely like as a potential partner… what’s important is how compatible you are… common interests… the feel of the relationship…. you don’t choose who you fall in love with… it just happens…. and don’t forget guys… just because a particular lifestyle doesn’t seem right to you… doesn’t mean it isn’t or that you have a right to judge…. it doesn’t matter if she’s gay straight or bi…. it’s about feeling love for another human being… and ALL LOVE IS COOL

If I had to guess, I’d say she just wants you to know, like she wants you to know where she went to high school and that she really likes to watch such-and-such on TV. I’m bisexual, too (or something like it) and when I date guys I make sure they know – don’t want to suddenly discover they’re a homophobe after a few months, right? Basically, don’t make a big deal out of it. Most likely it’s not really going to factor into your relationship. Well, other than discussing which Bond Girl is hottest. :)

I’ve been secretly bi since I was in 9th grade. I do lean more to guys these daysI believe, but I have considered being with a girl before and have had some “experiences”.

It depends on the person though. I didn’t tell my guy that I had bisexual feelings until months in. It’s something very personal and sensitive to me. It may not be to others.

However, If a girl seems like a real “go getter” with her bisexuality and mentions it on the 2nd or 3rd date, and it feels like she’s using it more to make you interested or get into some 3some activity…well, I’d be wary. I’m wary of girls who VERY early in the relationship claim to be bi and all ready to use it right off the bat!

Very often, guys I’ve dated seem to assume that “I’m bi” means “I want you to watch me do a girl” or “You’re going to get all the threesomes you want!”. But it’s more like what @fireinthepriory said – it’s just a personality aspect. I hope it’s OK that I poked in here – I’m not a guy.

If she told me she was bi-sexual, I would immediately demand a threesome. Actually, I would beg for one but it’s all the same in the end.

Honestly, I think it would be exciting but it could also have the potential to be intimidating too. I would have to talk with her more about it before I started to feel comfortable about her bi-sexuality. Since this isn’t something I’ve encountered before, it’s all speculation on my part but it is intriguing.

@Bluefreedom yes all the same in the end, in the corner playing pocket pool.

@Triiiple. That’s only if you don’t get lucky. I’m very optimistic when it comes to sexual exploits.

…she’s going to ask for a glass of milk.
When you give her the milk, she’ll probably ask you for a straw.

Follow up: when in the dating process do you think that this information should be disclosed.

@bigbanana. How about right from the start? That would be a pretty big bomb to drop on someone after they’d been dating for a while and possibly having had sex on several occasions already. Honesty is very important in relationships and sexuality issues should be discussed openly and in a timely manner, in my opinion.

Is everything sexual fair game for bringing up “right at the start”? I think if someone spilled all their sexual beans to me right away (“Hey Laureth, just so you know, I’m into heavy bondage and watersports and I have a really vast porn collection. Now, where shall we go for dinner?”) I’d be a little creeped out. I always thought you start on a more basic level (“Lovely weather we’re having. What authors do you like?”) and move it up a notch later.

OK but when? How do you just drop that into a starter conversation ie” yeah i loved Moby Dick, can you pass the salt, oh and I like to sleep with women sometimes”??: see laurths comment..

I don’t see how it would make much of a difference.

I’d still feel more comfortable, say, near the start of the relationship then. If I’m weeks into the relationship and we’re at dinner one night and she says, “Hey, I’m going to whip you with a Cat-O-Nine-Tails while another girlfriend of mine handcuffs you to the bed and pours hot candle wax all over you!”, I’m going to be taken by surprise and maybe even disturbed by that.

Once again, honesty is the best policy.

I think it would be fine for me.

Well 90’s kid I will direct my friend to you..;)

Oh, I understand now. You mean the whole 9 yards? Then, I might be a bit “ugggh” thinking.

I dated a bi-sexual woman, and I actually enjoyed the two “forays” she had when I was with her. I’m not into the whole threesome thing, but I was there both times, and it was great.

I would hope to get in a three way with two ladies but I wouldn’t take them to church with me.

If people that engage in three-ways shouldn’t go to church, that would probably include you as well?

It seems as though all the guys would be okay with it.. are you saying none of you would be a bit jealous of the thought that your girl might cheat on you with another chick? Don’t you think its the same thing to cheat with another girl as it would to cheat with a guy?

A bi girl will cheat or not, just like a straight girl will cheat or not. I don’t think one is more likely than the other. If the girl is straight, do you not worry that she’d cheat on you with another guy?

Well if the girl is bi, then there is twice the possibility of her cheating because she can easily be attracted to both male and female. But if she is happy and in love then there’s nothing to worry about ;-)

@laureth
Why are you whispering? It is hard to read!
Okay so you aren’t a guy, but Chealsey and maybe some other aren’t either.

I’m whispering, because I’m technically not supposed to be answering this thread. It calls for guys to answer, and I’m not a guy.

For what it’s worth, there’s not “twice the possibility” of her cheating because she is able to like both genders. That’s like saying that if I like blond guys and brown-haired guys, there’s twice the likeliness that I’ll cheat.

But I like hearing what you say :)

[Thanks for not whispering that up there ^^^]

One more question: Is Laureth your name?

I guess you are right.. I never thought about it that way. I guess I just thought that if I was dating a guy who was bi (even though I don’t think I ever would), I would be disgusted at the thought of him being with another guy. And this is probably a completely different situation because I know that bi men and bi girls are looked at very differently. I was just putting myself in that situation and I don’t see how I would be okay with it..

@laureth you’re not really playing coy about the “this is a guy” question, right? Because you must know with all that lurve, and I know now from a question that played out earlier today, that if you feel like answering any question in flutherland then you are absolutely free to say whatever you want. There are no unreasonable boundaries. So have at it.

By the way, it sure is balmy this evening and… oh never mind.

I jump up and down and clap my hands…

wait – not all chicks are bi? dammit

Ok, say she’s heterosexual. Is there a chance she might leave you for another guy? Why would she leave you?

Ok, now she’s bi. Is there a chance she would leave you for someone else? Why would she leave you.

If you’re bothered by this, it’s because you don’t have a solid relationship. If you have a solid relationship, it doesn’t matter. If you’re both in it just for fun, then what difference does it make? If you want a threesome, go to a sex club.

When I was in college he geezes I had a female friend who was bi. We weren’t romantically or physically involved, just shared a few classes and a few other interests in common. It seems many mornings we had coffee in the cafe overlooking the quad, and would comment on the girls’ physical attributes as they walked by…almost like another guy in that way, but way different

If that means she’s gonna wanna have emotional and physical relations with another person while she is in a relationship with me, then I kick her to the curb. Since when does being “bi” give you a free pass to cheat? Cheating is cheating, doesn’t matter who you do it with. [stop! I am NOT implying that this is how truly bi-sexual people really think, I am implying that this seems to be a common perception if bisexual people amongst heterosexuals…] So, if I was gay I’d be allowed to have as many gay lovers as I want while remaining “faithful” to my wife? Where the hell is the logic in that? And I think it is somehow very degrading to gay people everywhere, almost implying that they are not real people so cheating w/ them doesn’t “count.” And to assume that most men would be okay w/ their lesbian SOs cheating w/ other woman is more than a little insulting to me as a man b/c I feel it implies I have no real emotional interest or investment in my gf or our relationship, she is just my sex toy, and as long as I’m the only guy putting my dick in her, then what do I care if she has an emotional and physical relationship w/ another woman? But that is not how I think or how I approach a relationship and you’re damn straight it would bother me! In my opinion, any lesbian girl who is in a relationship w/ a bf who doesn’t mind if she messes around w/ other women should really sit down and ask herself what is his emotionsl investment in me and/or this relationship (and she should probably ask the same question of her lesbian partner as well!) Of course, that’s assuming that they care about these things in a relationship, which not all people do.

For me, it would be a deal breaker. It’s still cheating, and that’s something I don’t want in a relationship. If other people are OK w/ it, then that’s their business, but for me it wouldn’t fly.

And I don’t mean to imply that it’s impossible for other people to have an emotionally and physically rewarding relationship under these circumstances. Maybe some people could be very open about it and have no problems w/ it, but for me I wouldn’t want to be a part of it.

@tb1570 has a great point… only… kind of went off on a tangent. The question really had nothing to do with infidelity or promiscuity… the only thing the question required was a reaction to the person’s lifestyle. But again… a great point.

@Dr_C I did begin my statement with :”If (italics now added) that means she’s gonna wanna have emotional and physical relations with another person while she is in a relationship with me…” And while the OP didn’t directly address this in his question, it is certainly a part of the equation and would inevitably arise. And if it doesn’t mean she’s gonna wanna mess around with other women, if she really is gonna be faithful, then there’s really no point in my even having to know about her bi-sexuality (other than a as personality trait) because faithful is faithful, w/out regards as to “faithful (within my gender).”

But you are certainly right—I do have a propensity to go off on tangents! Apologies!

Don’t apologize!!!!! it was a great answer and i believe i stated that to begin with… i should apologize for pointing out the tanget… i have a thing (and this is purely an offshoot of my profession mind you) with questions being answered either in a roundabout way or indirectly…. this is not a critique of your answer… quite the opposite. It just helped me figure out that i need to leave my work at the office. It bugs me when i ask patients simple yes or no questions and they give me 10 minute explanations without ever really answering my questions. Apologies again!

@Dr_C No worries. But, as you said “the only thing the question required was a reaction to the person’s lifestyle.” Well, my reaction would be…... (please see above). : )

It has only happened twice (actually once she was a straightforward lesbian that decided to make an exception).

In both cases I ignored the information completely. There is nothing I can do about what she likes or doesn’t like. She could be a straight heterosexual and like someone other than me. And it is not something to be excited about either (even though I get your drift and yes, I have benefitted from that once).

@Standswithacane – While it’s true that anyone is free to answer any Fluther question, I do try to respect the boundaries set by the asker. There are exceptions, and this is one of them. (As a person with a very slight bi- leaning, I felt compelled to check in and see if there was misinformation.) If it had been some other thing, like, “Guys, do you put your shoes on one at a time?” or something, I probably would not have poked in or answered, because it does not relate to me.

But no, I’m not playing coy. A while back I asked a question of the cooks here on Fluther, and I would have questioned the usefulness of any answer that was similar to, “Well, I don’t know because I don’t cook.” I’m not a guy, so I can’t answer how I, as a guy, would react to a bisexual woman. As such, I probably should not have piped in.

@laureth RE: “Very often, guys I’ve dated seem to assume that “I’m bi” means “I want you to watch me do a girl” or “You’re going to get all the threesomes you want!”. But it’s more like what @fireinthepriory said – it’s just a personality aspect.”

I completely agree. To me it shouldn’t be any different than “I like the color blue!” or “I find people with dark hair attractive”. Just because I like the color blue does not mean I want to paint my bedroom blue while you watch, I just like it is all.

so i have been with both men and women and usually what happens when i tell them that i am interested in both is they become insecure and jealous and always think that they are “not enough” for me.

(i am talking about serious long term relationships, otherwise the typical “dude” reaction is “cool threesome!”).

so i try to wait til i am comfortable and trust the person before i tell them. even still, you could totally trust that person but you never know exactly how they will react.

@alive: Is it necessary to tell them? I mean, at the time, you are with whoever you are with, and if you are with them, you aren’t going anywhere else, right? So what difference does it make?

Actually, it seems to me that you don’t need to say it. You can just bring it up casually when talking about past relationships. I don’t know. I think it’s best to act as if it’s no big deal. Announcing it makes it a big deal. Just working it casually into your history seems to be less of a deal, unless your partner makes it one, and then, you have to question whether you want to be with them.

@daloon Exactly. I mean, if you’re not loooking for permission to cheat, why then do you really have to say anything at all? If you’re gonna be faithful, you’re gonna be faithful. I was kinda trying to get around to that in an earlier post.

i dont have to tell anyone anything. but not being straight is a big part of my life experiences. it is an identity (if you were a black albino would you keep it a secret from your partner that you are black?)

—i know it is a weird example but just because my sexuality is not visible it doesn’t mean i should keep it a secret. and on top of that secretiveness kind of implies shame. i have “come out” to all my friends and family. i can’t just not tell my partner.

it really really really has nothing to do with cheating.

as for how i bring it up it usually is in conversation. usually ones about my past relationships. “she and i fought about…” or “he and i didn’t agree on…” but it comes up in many different ways.

I guess that, even though the question is “guys how do you feel…?” the real issues here are two:

1. Should the bisexual (woman) tell?
2. How do/should the boyfriend react?

So Alive is actually answering the first question, and I also agree that, even though there is no need to tell people everything on the first date, mentioning your sexual preferences (which are part of your personality) is the basis of a healthy relationship.

As far as the second question is concerned, I think it was laureth (as well as daloon) who mentioned this already: liking men doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat on you with another man, so liking women doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat on you with another woman. Who was it that mentioned liking two types of hair? Bisexual, homosexual and heterosexual people all have exactly the same chances of being cheaters, and it is not important WHO they will cheat on you with, but WHY. I don’t think that, should my gf cheat on me, it would matter much whether it was a man, a woman or an amoeba for that matter.

I’m bi. I’ve told people in the past somewhere around a few dates in, once it becomes clear that we want to spend more time together. Just bring it up casually… the conversation doesn’t have to be any more serious than saying, “I’m a democrat,” or, “I’m a republican.” Seriously, there’s no reason to be threatened by having a bi girlfriend.

It seems like a lot of the answers in this thread, like mine, are from bi chicks relating their experiences with straight guys, and the OP asked for the opposite perspective. I CAN say that I dated a bisexual guy once… I have to admit, it was kind of hot thinking about the stuff he might have done with other dudes. I can understand why guys would be into that if they had a bi girlfriend. I never felt threatened that he would leave me for a guy; I was just glad to be dating someone who was open-minded and fun. :)

All I would ask is if I could watch.