How do I tell my parents I don't believe in God anymore?

I wouldn’t feel the need to bring it up unless they ask you directly.

Your beliefs (or lack thereof) are your business.

Now if they ask you to attend church with them, you could still go. Church can be about more than religion (calm, music, socialization).

On the other hand, if they want you to hit the streets and witness people or hold hands with them during a laying on of hands…you may have to be more direct.

I’m with @cprevite on this one. Why do you necessarily have to come out and tell them? Odds are good that they have an inkling anyway, but unless they specifically ask, you really have no need to share it with them. I guess if you feel like by not telling them you are lying to them, then you might want to share. In that case just be honest with them. You could thank them for exposing you to religion as you were growing up and gently explain that it is not your belief system at this point in time.

I have a fairly religious family. When I was your age and truly realized I could never be a theist, I wasn’t sure “coming out” was necessary. So I listened to the god talk and kept my mouth shut until a question was directly asked of me. My mom asked me if I ever thought about going to hell for my behaviors, in front of my whole family at Christmas, no less. As an aside, I have always argued with my mother, about everything, so she knew I had no interest in a god. What I said was basically: look, I am never going to believe in a god, or the devil, or eternal damnation, and you are just going to have to except it. After that, no more questions for me about religion or god.

Funny thing is, 10 years later, none of my family, except my mother, talks about god. I think that life has somewhat put a kink in their faith.

Do what you feel you need to do to satisfy your conscience. If you feel okay about keeping quiet, then do so. If you feel the need to let your family know this thing about you, then tell them.

I’m not in favour of “staying in the closet” about it. You have a right to believe what seems most reasonable to you. Your parents should recognise that right.
Even though you don’t mention that, I want to encourage you not to feel intimidated or ashamed. I think agnosticism may well be the wisest point of view on religion. Even if I’m an atheist myself.
Another reason to break the news is that you would let your community know people of your point of view exist. Maybe there are other agnostics or atheists around you, keeping it to themselves. If one person goes public with it, maybe others will have the courage to follow.
(cough) I’m going to give the Out Campaign propaganda a rest now.

Beyond that, it’s your decision to make, of course.

Now, to turn to the question of how…
Well, if it were me, I’d probably wait for some opportunity to casually mention it. I’d try not to make it a big deal, unless they do. I guess it’s easier that way.
Or, if you have more of a spine than I do, you could just open the subject yourself by telling them you’ve given it a lot of thought and came to the conclusion that agnosticism makes more sense to you, or that it suits your better, if you want to be more politically correct about it.

I’ve had the privilege of growing up with a practising catholic mother and an apparently non-religious father. (I think he’s an atheist, but he’s never really mentioned it.) Growing up with parents of different religious convictions is a great way for a child to learn to put the matter into perspective. :)

Try to keep your beliefs to yourself and be respectful of theirs. There is no sense in disagreeing or arguing about something that will not change.

@Lupin: I disagree. Even if there’s little to gain from arguing about it, I still think there’s something – liberty, to be precise – to gain from owning up to your beliefs. Especially if they conflict with the local consensus.

Very carefully and then when you must. It can cause real problems for some people while others will just accept it. Besides none of know for sure what the future is and you may change your mind back. It is your mind change it as many times as you want. We will all find the truth in the end whatever it is.

If you’re expected to participate in certain events that make you feel uncomfortable and untrue to yourself, speak up about it. There should be no shame in finding out who you are and what you believe.

If they ask you to attend church with them, but you’d rather not, just let them know your feelings on the matter. Don’t become defensive, don’t put down their beliefs, but do make sure they know you feel differently and are no longer comfortable with certain activities. If they respect you as an individual and adult, they won’t press the matter. If they do push you, say something like, “Look, I still respect your beliefs, please respect mine.” Case closed. :)

@Fyrius I did it out respect for my parents. I simply never brought the subject up. They figured it out on their own and did not push me at all. They were big enough to understand.
When I have to go to a church with family or attend a funeral service I still stand when everyone stands and I say “Amen”’ when they do. I’m not being untrue to myself at all. I do it out of respect for them. The whole world does not revolve around me. I’m big enough to let some things slide if it makes others feel comfortable – especially when it comes to religion. Same with politics, by the way.

My story is very much like tinyfaery’s, and I agree with cprevite too. The questions I had at age 13 had turned into agnosticism by 16 and full-scale atheism by the time I was an adult. I never felt the need to confront my family about it even though they remained very religious (evangelical Christian) right up until their deaths. It was nothing that they needed to accept about me because I was not asking them to approve or entertain my beliefs and lifestyle in place of or alongside their own. We lived separate lives. Over time I am sure they figured it out. I also changed political affiliations, and I never felt a need to throw that in their faces either. They knew.

When I visited them, I went to church with them and behaved myself even though I was no longer a believer, exactly as I would have known how to behave if I went back and attended a class in my former high school even though I was no longer a student. If they had ever asked me directly about my beliefs, of course I would have told them the truth, and that would be me owning my convictions. Being quiet and respectful is not tantamount to denial, and holding true to one’s own beliefs does not require aggression against someone else’s.

I have attended services of religions ranging from Catholicism to Wicca, Judaism to Buddhism, not forgetting the Mormons, and I show them all respect. I see no problem with people’s believing different things. The problem comes only when one of us thinks we all have to believe the same thing.

Wait until you’re asked, or the subject comes up, and then be honest about it.

@Lupin

Ack! That is a very dangerous sentiment.

I am resented towards religion and have for some time been pretty hostile towards it. My parents are surprised at my sudden disdain and hostility towards religion. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut when something religious is uttered (mostly because I want to make it clear I won’t be manipulated by it anymore).

But now that I’ve made my point, and they have backed off, I don’t feel the need to go on as aggressively as I have. They must by now suspect that I am agnostic, but unless I’m asked I don’t feel the need to tell them, unless it comes up. I have told all my friends and acquaintances, though.

So if religion is being used to manipulate you, by all means, tell. But if it’s not the case, then put it off for the opportune moment, if you wish.

“I don’t believe in God anymore” would probably do the trick. Though it’s sad that you’ve lost your faith.

@NaturalMineralWater: Though it’s sad that you’ve lost your faith.
I beg to differ.

@Fyrius Go ahead and differ. No begging required.

Yay! :D

“Mom. Dad. I don’t believe in God anymore.”

I didn’t really come from a religious family, and I frequently argue about it, so I probably have a different perspective than you.

My problem with “keeping your mouth shut unless it comes up” is that it treads very close to hiding your beliefs. You obviously don’t have to tell your parents anything you don’t want to, but if your motivation for not telling them is some imagined social norm about how you’re supposed to keep your lack of faith to yourself, I don’t think that’s something you should be worried about.

The fact of the matter is that our society has progressed to a point where atheism—along with homosexuality—isn’t something you need to keep in the closet. If your parents think otherwise, they’re the pariahs, not you.

I tried to keep it from my mom, based on advice I’d received from my father that telling her would break her heart. Not telling her hurt us both. We both knew something was up, I suffered having to lie about who I was to be her daughter and she suffered knowing I wasn’t telling her something that was significant. For us it got much better once we talked about it. But whether or not you should do so depends on you and them and your relationship with each other.

@Ivan “Ack! That is a very dangerous sentiment.”
Forcing my belief on others is more dangerous. Tolerance and respect are better.

@Lupin

Discussing religion openly =/= forcing your beliefs on others.
Avoiding religious discussion =/= tolerance and respect.

(I assume the sysmbol means not equal.)

When neither side will change and discussion only causes pain, avoiding the discussion is the higher road.
That’s why I’ll stop now and go to bed. It’s after midnight.

The only way that nothing will change is if you keep telling yourself that nothing will change. The only way that discussion will cause pain is if you keep telling yourself that the subject should be painful. The goal is not to convert other people to your way of thinking, the goal is to have an open discussion and an exchange of ideas. Avoiding discussion accomplishes nothing except to perpetuate this horrible stigma.

What horrible stigma is that?

My parents are Christians, I am not. I have never felt the need to tell them that I stopped believing. If I did my dad would probably devote a lot of his energy to praying for me, or something along those lines. No thank you. I go to church on Christmas Eve and Easter with them, but other than that, I don’t do anything religious with them.

If anyone ever specifically asks me, I’m not going to lie, but until then, I’m not going to bring it up. When religion come up in conversation I usually slip quietly out of the room in order to avoid it.

@Ivan: The goal is not to have an open exchange of ideas. The idea would be to put it out there, so that efritz’s family doesn’t have an false impression of who he is. Efritz is not going to convert his parents to atheism, and his parents are not going to convert him back to Christianity. At best, if he told them, they would come to have a better understanding of his beliefs. More likely, it would just cause a rift in their relationship.

And so it goes… on and on . Like politics.
Imagine living in a household where it must be discussed at every meal, every passing in the bathroom, every time you’re sitting in the living room. No wonder some kids hide in their rooms.
I’m still going with: Keep your own beliefs to yourself, and respect others’. Your parents will figure it out. Stand at Aunt Edna’s funeral service and say Amen even if you don’t believe it makes a difference.
@efritz The series of exchanges above are a taste of what you can expect. You decide if you want to dabble in those muddy waters.

@Lupin: You’re sketching the most extreme variant imaginable of what you advise against. This is a fallacy.
Imagine instead living in a household where everyone knows you’re an agnostic, but nobody bothers debating it any more after the first tries proved futile. I think this is a much more realistic situation, and more desirable than keeping it a secret to avoid confrontations.

Furthermore I think you’ll find much more endless debate on a website like this than in a common household.

The actively negative attitude towards discussion that I see on this site continues to surprise me.

If you stopped telling yourself that discussing religion should be awkward and painful, it will cease to be so. If your family was able to openly discuss religious matters, it would no longer be a subject you wish to avoid, it would no longer be a subject that caused pain, it would no longer be a subject that caused rifts between families. It’s not about converting your parents or whoever to atheism, it’s about exchanging ideas, understanding each other’s beliefs, and having a healthy attitude toward religious diversity. Never speaking up, out of “respect,” will only keep the subject awkward and painful, it will only maintain the potential for rifts.

Are you friends with them on facebook? Make your religious preference “agnostic.” ;)

I guess that’s how my parents officially “found out” I was an atheist.

I think any belief in god I had was gone by age 13 or 14. (And I had just made my Confirmation the year before!) I never said anything about it then; I continued going to mass with my family and attending Catholic school. However, I stopped receiving communion at mass around age 16. I guess that was my parents’ first clue. My parents had a problem with it and brought it up with me, but I probably just said something like, “I don’t feel comfortable receiving communion because I do not feel connected with ‘jesus’/catholicism.”

When I went away to college, I think it was pretty evident that I wasn’t going to mass…

My parents were fine with this and we started to develop a really nice relationship with each other when we were no longer living together (constant arguments when I lived with them!). We sometimes had discussions, in which I was candid about my disagreement with many Catholic beliefs. My parents did not have much of an issue with this because they disagree with many elements of Catholicism as well. But in the conversations, it was always apparent that I disagreed with a lot more than they did…

I am now 23, and when my mom got facebook back in November, we became facebook friends, and I’m sure she saw it because she made specific comments and laughed about many elements of my profile. However, she didn’t say anything about it.

She didn’t say anything about it until I was visiting her a few months later and we had a few cocktails together and got into a discussion about religion. She started to cry and said how much seeing the word “atheist” under my religious preference on my facebook profile absolutely breaks her heart and how she feels it is her biggest failure… to have raised a daughter who became an atheist.

In response, I told her that she should feel successful for raising a healthy, independent mind. She always told me to think for myself, investigate ideas, analyze my own thought processes, learn, and come to my own conclusions.

I feel much happier not pretending to be something I am not around my parents (and I also generally feel uncomfortable when people think I am religious). However, my mother is very sad about it.

Take from my experience what you like.

This debate seems to be digressing from the original question and more into the issues around acceptance and tolerance of other peoples religions. I was always taught that no matter what your religion, you were still a human being and although your view may be different from mine you are entitled to it.

In response to the initial question, although I am not fully aware of your relationship with your parents, if they believe as strongly in their religion as you make out then they should have a degree of understanding and love towards you as their child. Hopefully they will understand and respect your lifestyle choice.
If you do decide to tell them remember it may come as a shock and what may appear as disapproval at first may just be misunderstanding, explain that you are wanting to experience a different lifestyle and you still love them and respect them as parents, reassure them they haven’t don’t done anything (assuming this is the case) and that at this moment in your life you have other thoughts and ideas.

After all if we were all the same the world would be a very boring place.

GOOD LUCK X

@girlofscience: She started to cry and said how much seeing the word “atheist” under my religious preference on my facebook profile absolutely breaks her heart and how she feels it is her biggest failure…
And it breaks my heart that people think about atheism like this.
Maybe she thinks it’s a view people turn to because they are bitter and unhappy about life? As in, “the world sucks so hard there can’t be a loving god watching over it”?

@Fyrius: That can’t be, because she knows that I am extremely happy and non-bitter about my life.

I am in a very similar situation as you actually. I’m 22. just graduated from college (with a degree in philosophy) and am home with a fairly different perspective on religion and I would say that i would have to agree with cprevite more than anyone else.

Now I don’t know how accepting your parents are. (mine are fairly open) I am a comfortable agnostic (possible atheist) and was born and raised catholic, attending catholic school until my junior year of high school, but after college I came home and my mom knows that I am not really religious anymore. I think at first I came home more assertive than I am now but I have mentioned it before in passing when she prys to ask if I still go to church and now it has become (i dont want to say a ongoing joke, but in a way yes). I think at first she was upset about it but understands I have my own beliefs. My mom still asks me to say grace before our dinners when I am around and I do so (often quickly) but she knows that I don’t reaallllyybelieve anymore, like when i was younger.

the point is you can be yourself and even make it known without being disrespectful to their beliefs. You can still go to church with them on easter and christmas and say grace without believing. You can do it out of love and respect for your family.

I think you should talk to parents about this about why you made this choice and if you feel that its right. I’m sure they will attempt to listen but if they dont simply put it bluntly it might hurt them but if your looking to be true to yourself then you need to respect you and your family by not keeping this a secret. in the end it will be less harmful.

@Ivan, you haven’t answered my question: What horrible stigma is that?

Does it make any difference to you that actual personal experience belies your opinion? Your position is expressed in the future tense, mine in the past. Which do you suppose we know more about?

@Jeruba

The stigma is that religion is a point of contention that only results in hurt feelings and accomplishes nothing and therefore should not be discussed.

Of course personal experience shows that discussing religious matters causes rifts. That is my exact point. If we all stopped believing that it should create rifts and start discussing it openly, it will eventually become an acceptable thing, and it will no longer be a point of contention.

My personal experience was not that it caused any rifts but that quiet acceptance took place without confrontation or religious aggression. There was no need to expose anyone to assaults on their beliefs. Instead differences were simply and respectfully allowed to be as they were. Isn’t that the essence of tolerance? What possible better outcome could there be?

(Since it was utterly unnecessary for them to explain to me what Christianity meant to them, or for me to explain the meaning of atheism, what would we have to talk about? Emotions?)

As long as anyone thinks that it is necessary for others to believe the same way they do, differences in beliefs will be a problem. Some religions hold this as an article of faith: that others must believe as they do or be damned. Insistent attempts to persuade others to one’s own point of view (including on this matter) show that one has not yet got beyond contention.

Do you think that, if you had all taken the time to discuss openly what you believe, how you came to believe it, etc, that you wouldn’t have reached acceptance and tolerance?

Because of the strength of our family bond, I think we would have, while arousing a lot of emotions along the way. (Not doing so was never a matter of not taking time.) That’s where the distress would have come from. If we accomplished the goal without the anguish, what would be the purpose of the anguish other than to make you right?

My point is that there doesn’t have to be anguish. If we had a culture that more openly accepted discussion of these matters, there wouldn’t be any pain or family rifts. I think that understanding the beliefs and rationale of others is very beneficial.

Intense personal differences between parents and children will always be fraught with anguish, no matter what the subject.

That will only be the case if you keep telling yourself it will be.

I’m not going to purse a debate with you, @Ivan. I just think there’s a need to recognize a difference between my sitting down with my Catholic or Muslim neighbor and seeking common ground, on the one hand, and a child’s confronting his or her parents with the implicit statement “I have categorically rejected what you so lovingly taught me and brought me up to believe, hoping that you would find in me a true affirmation of the faith you hold,” on the other. One can be conducted in a rational and civilized manner, toward peaceful understanding among individuals for the good of the community, and the other probably won’t be.

Parents and children can have those agonized differences over matters much more trivial than religion. Even brands of toothpaste can be matters of conviction, never mind political affiliation. You can modify your own perspective all you like, but you can’t change that of your parents.

Do you have children, @Ivan?

What if, for some reason, it was considered taboo to talk about toothpaste? What if most people thought it was their job as a parent to make sure their children use the same toothpaste as them? What if discussing differences of toothpaste preferences caused pain and anguish? Wouldn’t talking about toothpaste solve all of that?

@Ivan, What if? It’s still exactly the same concept. If parents thought it was important that their children use a certain kind of toothpaste, and the kid grew up to prefer a different toothpaste, [in most situations] it would probably be better for the kid to use his own toothpaste in private, and the family toothpaste while staying at home.

You’re talking about society, and if we stay on the topic of society I agree with you. Open conversation is the only way people can see past their differences. Family is different.

Though I have never made a public statement on the subject, my mom knows that I no longer subscribe to Christianity. My dad doesn’t know, because it’s easier for him not to notice those little cues that my mom picks up on. If I were to make a public statement, my dad would have to face that, and it would cause him a lot of unnecessary grief. Quiet withdrawal from the belief system preserves the balance of the family. A formal rejection would only bring turmoil.

@petethepothead

I would only say that if society were to be more accepting of religious discussion, so would the family. Conversely, if religion were able to be discussed openly in the family, that would make it less taboo in society as well.

@Ivan: I would agree with that.

A statement like this tends to do a lot of good.—-> “Don’t think of it as me rejecting everything you taught me. Think of it as me taking the think-for-yourself lesson to heart in a big big way. Be proud that you taught me that. I love you, but I’m not going to midnight mass with you. You need to respect that.”

If your mother’s most cherished belief is that families will be reunited in heaven, and you tell your mother that you’re not going to do what she thinks it takes to be there, she isn’t going to care what society does. It’s still going to break her heart.

@Jeruba – I think that’s the closer.

My mother in law is the sweetest woman on the planet. Kind, caring, would give you the shirt off her back.

But, she’s a 72-year-old lady from a small town in Italy.

Church every week, roseary beads in the purse, religious artwork all over the house. You get the idea.

If I explained to her that I was agnostic, but it in no way reflects on her beliefs and the discussion we’re having is, ultimately for society’s betterment…she’d cry herself to sleep every night, tell me daily she was praying for me, and check regularly to see if I changed my mind.

Now what does this accomplish?

You could tell your parents you were gay, an atheist, and a terrorist, and then recant the other two.

@MontyZuma: Wouldn’t that imply that the parents would be devastated about having a gay child, though? I don’t think that’s typically the case anymore. My parents would not be even slightly upset if I were gay, but they are very sad about my atheism.

@cprevite

If you took enough time to discuss it with her, perhaps it would convince her that it’s not so bad.

@Ivan: it’s a lovely thought, and I don’t disagree with your premise, but twenty tears if experience with this person tells me no.

Some very fine people in one’s life are just set in their ways.

Sorry, but I cannot see how the possibility of breaking one’s mother’s heart has anything to do with, well, anything. It might break a child’s heart to not be able to be who they are for fear of how one’s mother might react. Call me selfish, but everyone’s heart gets broken multiple times and for a multitude of reasons, and being true to oneself is certainly ample reason to potentially break one’s mother’s heart.

I’m with @Ivan. Religious belief—or lack thereof—is important. Too important to avoid discussion, even if it causes family strife.

The civil rights movement used to be an impolitick form of discussion in 1960’s family gatherings. I’m sure a lot of people with liberal views on race relations had parents or grandparents who would be shocked and heartbroken to find out that they liked black people. But I’d still discuss it, because it’s important, and I wouldn’t want the views of thin-skinned traditionalists to control what I say and discuss.

If your family’s worldview is so fragile that revealing your perfectly justified beliefs about religion will cause problems, that’s their problem, not yours.

@tinyfaery – Not all parents are adults emotionally. Sometimes its the ‘child’ that ends up having to tend to their parents needs and insecurities rather than the other way around. If you’ve been put in the role of balancing your parents emotional upsets, taking action (like telling them information they don’t want, like that you’re an atheist) would cause you to step out of your traditional role in the relationship. It’s hard to change your role in a long relationship and hard for them to accept when you abandon a role they depended on you filling.

As an atheist I would be upset if my child came home as a gung-ho convert to some religion, an intolerant one especially, because that would make me think he had done something harmful to himself and to his own life. I would be bothered by that as much as if he had contracted a chronic disease, and my maternal compulsion to look out for his well-being would make it a matter of serious concern. Wouldn’t a religious parent of an atheist child feel the same way? I don’t see how discussion could resolve anything at all because it would not change the facts.

But the parent is still not in a position of “letting” an adult child be or do anything. Why would we need a parent to “let” us be who we are? We are who we are.

Do we feel the need to tell our parents if we are into BDSM? If we look at Internet porn? How about if we finagle our expense reports? If we shoplift? Do we? Really, do we? And isn’t that who we are if we do those things?

So religion is a shameful as porn, and needs to be kept secret? Interesting.

@fun If someone is that invested in being the caretaker of their parents’ emotional well-being, I doubt such a person would even think about telling a parent something that would potentialy be upsetting.

porn is shameful?

@tinyfaery – I think there are degrees. It depends on whether or not the son/daughter wants or needs to stay in that role. It’s a pretty big burden, in a way deciding to reveal something so troubling could possibly be a way to relieve the burden if they don’t want to a caretaker anymore.

Now this is just getting silly. I didn’t say any of it was shameful; that’s a matter of personal and locally applicable standards (although theft is illegal). I am just saying it is not necessary to tell everything about yourself in order to be “who you are” (who else can you be?), and your parents do not need to know everything about your life.

@Jeruba

“I don’t see how discussion could resolve anything at all”

I’m sure it’s silly to the questioner, as well. Don’t respond if it’s silly. Silly is wasting your time on something you don’t care about either way.

tut tut it looks like rain.

Ultimately I think this is the sort of question that needs to be answered on a case by case basis. Familial relationships are too diverse for there to be one universal answer. I can see merit in both courses of action and have used both depending on who I’m dealing with.

And that’s in just one family.

If they ask you, then tell them. Keep it short and simple. If they should ask you why, should you then tell them why. You don’t need to give anyone an excuse for how you feel.

look its very easy if you think you need to tell em tell em I mean its good to tell your parents about what you believe in or not but that is in other hands when its brought up or mentioned or you try to get into the subject to tell them im religious I believe in god but I have my own way of thinking and I go to church not much but maybe once or twice every 3 to 5 months or more and my mom knws I’ve told her and said hey mom look you do knw I have my own way of thinking about god and she wishes I can think like her kus she said it but she says w.e I cnt do anything about its better that I knw so I won’t have to talk much about the subject she understands but she wishes for me to think diff.. So don’t be scared to say anything say it like it or not no one can make you lyk something you don’t ever!